Letting go (or not!)

After 8 months, I thought I would be more submissive than I am, thought I would be perfect but I am far from perfect. I am far from most of the things I envisioned in the beginning. We have gone through another rough patch. This time a medical issue interfered with discipline. I made it impossible and he shut down or at least I thought he did. 

I'm not sure this was all my fault this time. I know I broke every rule, pushed every boundary and expected a reaction of some kind. He knew what I was doing and refused to react. 

What I know now is that I still have trouble letting him lead, letting him guide us through the rough patches. I can't let go. I still try to control everything by being a brat. By pushing and reacting. 

To his credit, he refuses to give in to my childish behavior. He leads by being calm and assertive in the face of adversity. He reigns me in when it's possible. He does have control, quietly watching and making notes. He never let me get away with anything, he just refrained from discipline until the issue was all cleared. 

We are back on track.  The path has been cleared of obstacles and we are steady making progress again.  The journey is difficult but worth every moment. I have another meeting in a few hours and even though I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not complaining or dreading it.  I'm looking forward to being on the right path with the man of my dreams. 

I'm learning.  I'm not perfect and it's ok!  I'm happy and loved!!

Electric fences

The electric fence or invisible fence is a great deterrent when it's working. The trouble is they often fail in extreme storms and never work during power failure.  

I've decided the rules are like that electric fence. When they are enforced, like the fence, they deliver a strong negative force you'd think twice to go near again. When they aren't enforced, it's as if the fence is lacking power. You know it's there, but when tested, nothing negative occurs. No jolt to bring you back to the proper side of things. 

We've been in our own little storm today. Forces outside our own creating a tornado of angry and hurt feelings.  Not at each other but at this particular force. I guess we all have them. Problem is, the fences are down. I've tested them. (I see you rolling your eyes at me but it had to be done). I'm stressed, unhappy by these events and feeling unloved and unwanted. (The un's). I hate these feeling more than the thought of trouble I'm causing myself. The storm has knocked out power to my fence. All attempts to cross boundaries have been successful so far today. 

I know this storm will pass. We get to spend all day tomorrow storm free but I'm not sure the fence will be mended in time. How long will it take to mend the fence this time?  I'm not feeling as strong as I was once and I need him to be solid in the storms.  

Ugh - I dislike feeling this vunerable and needy sometimes. I just want to be held and sheltered. I want him to be my umbrella not shivering in the cold wet rain with me. 

This journey will continue, the path goes on. This time I'm bringing waders!!  I'm learning to endure through the mud and muck. 

I think he had a virus

We spent a couple weeks in funk land.  We've now settled safely on the other side or somewhere close at least.  I'm not sure we are fully safe on dry land but I'm sure our feet can at least touch solid ground.   So I guess it's time to write about those feelings.  I may ramble, oh please, when don't I?  Be patient, I'm sure there's a moral to the story in here somewhere.

So in case you're just dropping into this blog and missed a few entries (what really? Go back and read them - we'll wait), I will tell you that life got in the way a few weeks ago and we've struggled to get back.  Some disturbing news at the doctor led me to pointing accusing fingers and fighting the one person who was trying to help.  He didn't know how to cope with all those emotions and I think he was being drained by my emotional overload.  We also moved and got one of the little people ready to head off to the big bad world.  Needless to say, I was a basket case.

What I needed was a firm hand.  A solid rock to plant my feet on safely above the water line.  I was left drowning instead.  I fought hard but emotionally I couldn't bring myself to safety.  I needed him, I wanted him to be there.  When he wasn't, I shut him out completely.  

I think this is where he caught this virus.  His walls couldn't withstand the pressure I was putting on him and so with his defenses down, he shut down all means of communication between us.  DD stopped.  He stopped trying to help us.  He wasn't leading.  I sure as heck wasn't following.  I broke rules because I was mad, because I was lost, mostly because I was scared.  This virus, a lot like the flu but for the HoH, left him unable to fulfill his role as a husband, a leader, a friend.  He was drained.  He blamed me.  He said I wasn't doing what I needed to do, so why should he.  I must not have wanted this anymore.  That's how I was acting.  He quit leading & started blaming.

Ok, so we both can't be blaming each other.  One of us had to lead us out of the turmoil.  It was horrible.  I never saw any of this as my fault.  I blamed him for everything.  I blamed him for the bad news at the doctor, for our baby growing up and leaving, for making us move, for not doing more.  I was asking more more more and giving nothing in return.  

It hit me - OMG this might be my fault.  I might be the reason he doesn't love me anymore.  Shock & awe, I wanted badly to snap out of it.  I couldn't.  It's not a light switch you can flip and everything gets better.  Depression doesn't work that way (oh I wish it did).  I had to try to explain.  Tears filled my apology and I'm not really exactly sure I even said "I'm sorry".  I told him how I needed him to catch me when I was falling and that he wasn't there.  He let me fall into this pit of despair by thinking that I needed the time and space for myself.  I needed him to help lead me out of the darkness but he let me wander.  I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but it was his fault too.  

We did have a good talk. (It was just a talk that night)  I asked him to be the leader even when he thought I needed space to myself.  That in those times, I needed and wanted him to help snap me out of that place.  I didn't like being in that place any more than he liked me being there.  He's agreed to help me more in those situations.  (hmmmm brat beware!!!) 

It took some time for him to find his mojo after all this.  I guess when you get a bad flu it just takes time to recover.  It's been a slow process but I think he's almost completely healed.  He's reiterated the rules and expectations and has told me in no uncertain terms that he will deal with things as they come up.  No more waiting.  Tested that theory once already & didn't like the outcome.  He's still working on consistency again.  It's not where it once was but I'm sure as fast as he learned once, his recovery from this virus will be just as speedy.

We are still learning.  We haven't given up our journey and there are no roads leading back from where we came.  We will be stronger as we will be together.  Be patient with me, I'm not there yet!!

The funk continues

Maybe it's not a funk so much as an overwhelming craziness caused by life. We are moving. Not the simple pack it all up, load in on a truck kind of move but a bit by bit here and there kind of move. Everything is upside down, nothing is in a place yet and it's driving me crazy.  Not that I'm an everything in it's own place kind of person but I'm a know where it is or was person. Right now my world is in chaos. 

I would love for someone to just tell me exactly what to do, when to do it or have it done by. Instead of the general stuff that needs to be done anytime someone is moving. 

Add to that chaos, the waiting game from test results from the doctor. I'm a total ball of nerves and emotions. He is letting me get away with way to much snappy nasty attitude. I know why & I appreciate the sentiment but I also want the absolute to stay absolute. I'm rambling and probably not making sense. 

A few more days of utter chaos and maybe things can start to return to normal.   

I'm also worried about the privacy type issues in the new house for DD. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. (Pun intended. LOL). 

Sorry if this doesn't make sense but I needed to get it out. Still learning and growing!!

In a funk

Ever had that one thing happen that immediately ruins your day?  How about your whole outlook on life itself?  It's a big deal but really only in my head. Everyone is telling me how it'll all work out just fine. Blah blah blah. The life goes on speech.  Problem is, I don't want to hear about life's not fair and it'll get better. I want to pout about it for a time. I should be able to pout about it.  I should be able to be mad and upset.

I should be able to do that so long as I stay within my boundaries. I am able to be whatever I need to be. I'm just not able to do it within my boundaries. Unfortunately, they are restrictive in that regard. They are supposed to be. The guidelines we've set forth are for us. To keep us focused on the big prize - a happy harmonious peaceful marriage. 

I'm almost over it.  I'm starting to feel better about the world and being a part of it again. I also feel really guilty about all those things I did in my (for lack of better word) tantrum.  I confessed. To all of it. 

What I really wanted was for Fonzi to be my rock. My safe place. Even though he was partly to blame for my unhappiness, he stood firm never yielding to my emotional state. Steering us ever so quietly through the storm. We've reached the harbor and I think the the boat will be in for some repairs. 

I'm slowly learning to control my temper.  Following the rules when I'm mad is a huge hurdle I have yet to clear. There is a lot of work to do on this path and we are still moving forward.  I'm a work in progress and I'm not done learning yet. 

The rainbow

I wasn't going to write about this as I've discussed it a thousand times but I realize that this blog serves as my reminder to not do these things again. A sort of diary of the stupid things that get me in trouble. Really there should be a thousand entries already in our 4 month journey but even I can't figure out why I do some of the things I do. 

So this day started out like any other. Making plans for a Saturday together. We decided to go shopping and to lunch.  I was already starving. Never good as my mood swings are easier to trigger when I'm hungry or tired.   Well plans change as plans do when other people get involved. Now instead of the two of us, it's now us and both girls. No longer lunch where I suggested and had my sights set on but wherever the mood takes us when we get where we are going. (Do you see this starting to unravel). No longer shopping where I wanted to go bet where the others wanted to go. No more about us as a couple, now it's us as parents. 

We hit store #1 and as I am looking around I noticed I was alone. They had gone another direction and not one of them bothered to tell me. (Did I mention I was hungry and prone to irrational moments?). Strike one!  Another smart mouth rude comment from a kid and I was over the edge. I thought I had it under control. I didn't yell or argue just got quiet and sullen. What I didn't do was clue him in as what was wrong. I really did try to get past it myself. I didn't want to ruin his time because of my hurt feelings. It was probably just hunger and I would feel better after we ate.  Right?  Well not so much. I had already decided what I wanted to eat and we didn't go there so at this point it really didn't matter to me.  Just pick something. I'll be fine. 

So apparently the quiet sullen wife who was saying anything was getting on his radar of trouble. (There should b audible warning systems in place). When I told him "it doesn't matter" I pushed the fire all weapons button and sent the day into a downward spiral I couldn't recover from.  He quit talkin to me, wouldn't look at me and his responses were short or "it doesn't matter". Yep doom was into future. 

We were never alone, I couldn't fix it at this point as I didn't know how. I knew I wanted it over but now he was upset and  it would blow up eventually.  I'd ruined the afternoon because I couldn't just drop it sooner. 

A few hours after being home, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He asked what happened and I told him I let something the kid said get to me. He grabbed my hand again and led me to the kid. He sat us both down and told us how he needed us to get over it. (Love this side of him). He held us both accountable for what had happened. 

Once that was settled and we were alone in the house the real trouble began. I was led back to the bedroom. He said let's gets this over with so hopefully I can put it past us. He was still really upset and I knew it would be more severe than normal severe. I don't remember all the details of the actual spanking. There was no warm up, it hurt, I wiggled a lot. Couldn't stay in position to save my life (which I thought it might at some point). He threw down the impliments and walked away not releasing me. Just left. I laid there crying, not from the punishment but from the abandonment. I cried because I'd hurt him so deeply and I couldn't even be still long enough to end it for both of us. When he came back, it started again. He was calmer but still mad. I still wiggled but did my best. 

Finally I was over. A hug, a kiss - forgiveness. 

I never thought it was pilots subtle to be spanked until you couldn't sit down. I'd never been there.  Having now been there, I'm trying every thing NOT to go back. I spent a few hours on my tummy, slept on my tummy and wished for relief. 

The morning brought a rainbow of colors all across my bottom. I think I saw every color in a crayon box. I would not be comfortable again for a long time. I was ok with that. It's like a badge if forgiveness. I know at one time he wouldn't have cared to make us right. It would have eaten away at us for weeks or months. I know because he did take care of it that he loves me. He wants us to still be us. We are still ok. 

I learned to speak up. What I want does matter. I might not get it all the time and I'm learning to deal with that too. I do matter to him. My thoughts and feelings are as important now as they ever were. Only now, I know he hears me. He wants to hear me, wants to make me happy and keep me safe. 

It's not an easy path we are on and really no marriage ever should be. One the path is easy, it's boring and easy to push aside. I like the rocky path, it keeps us trying. I'm still learning everyday in this journey & I'm still so glad he's there beside me. 

My Husband/Best Friend/HoH

Four months ago I brought a completely new dynamic to our marriage.  I asked him to research Domestic Discipline.  I thought it could help fix some of the problems we had.  I thought it was an out of the box solution in a otherwise hopeless existence.  I was there.  Ready to leave before he left me.  I was ready to throw away 20 years with my best friend.  He wasn't there for me and I really did think he ever could be again.  I'm glad I was wrong.

Upon being given this opportunity to research and change the way we do things, he leaped right in.  He started doing his own research online and with me.  Asking challenging questions I really had to think to answer.  He was involved for the first time in over 10 years.  He was talking to me, it was a start.
I explained the whys:  why I thought it would help, why I wanted it, why I wanted us.  He was game.  It took him 4 days.  I'm lucky as not everyone has a partner who jumps right in and decides to do this.
I got one last "are you sure" as there is not going back speech.  

He gone in 4 months from "I could never hurt you" to "it's supposed to hurt".  From "I could never use that" to "that could work".  And my all time favorite:  I could never mix business with pleasure.  (still working on that but it's coming along).

He's amazing.  He's taken the lead, taken back all the control I so longed to be relieved of and no longer holds on to the frustration that I can cause. He allows me to be me while still keeping a firm grasp on us.  He has stopped letting me be THAT person.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I am thankful for him.  I am in love with my best friend again.  I'm sure he is in love with me again.  He tells me all the time.

We have our problems, it's not been a bed of roses.  We don't communicate as much as we should.  I still tend to bottle things up until I just can't hold it in anymore.  He doesn't talk unless prompted.  I find that extremely frustrating.  That feeling like if I don't start a conversation, there won't be one.  I often just sit and wait for him to want to talk to me about anything but he often doesn't.  

I've re-read the blog entries and realize that from where we started to where we are in just 4 months has been a long long journey. I was so naive then as to what a punishment truly was.  I guess at the time, I never imagined they could be so much worse.  I also never imagined that I would feel so much in such a short time.  I think I've lived every emotion there is more than once.  I still feel totally vulnerable and needy most of the time.  

It feels like we've been on this journey forever but also that it's just started.  As long as we are still learning, we will continue.  It's our journey and I'm glad I'm on it with my best friend.  

Time

I've been on a roller coaster of highs and lows over the last few weeks. Not really knowing what I could write that would make me or anyone else feel better. So instead of grabbing the tablet and letting things flow, I've bottled up and started to become resentful. 

It's not that DD has taken a back seat or gone away completely, it's just the way we're doing it isn't as effective as it should or could be. I still stay in trouble and it's not consistency that's the problem. So what is?  Time!

I thought with the start of his new shift, he'd have time for me. Time to talk, time to laugh, time to just be us again. That's not the case. We do have time together but we don't talk to each other. We've been talking at each other for so long, we've slipped back into then habit. He doesn't see that I need more than just a "hi, how are you". I want full long conversations about everything and nothing. All we talk about is what kind of trouble I've caused for myself. What I did or didn't do. Why can't we talk about something silly and stupid. Everything is always serious, followed by well ......

He makes time for the kids, his family and everyone else. He makes sure to do what they need or want him to do and I'm pushed to the side waiting - again. I'm resentful of that. I know he's a great father, brother, friend, yes and husband but what about companion?  If we go out to dinner, I'm left trying to carry or start a conversation that he barely puts any effort into. Why bother?  I just get out my phone too. 

I don't know what I'm saying. Right now, I'm sitting here beside him and he's sleeping. Always sleeping. I feel alone.   Maybe this wasn't the place to vent but this is my safe place. 

Emotions

It's been a while since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone, seems like yesterday.  I'm to a point where I'm not sure what to write about. I seem to get in trouble all the time and really this place has been a reflection spot for me. I've read back on everything we've gone through and see how far we've actually come. I've changed, he's changed and best of all we are changing.

I have felt more emotions in the last 11 weeks. All of them really.   Today I was in trouble for my mouth. Some stuff I said yesterday, some magical words I'm not allowed to say any more were texted over and over again. I knew I was in trouble, I was on his lap, bottom bared and waiting when he said to me "you really need to watch what come out of your mouth". He was being serious, I got the giggles. When he asked why I was laughing, I told him it wasn't my mouth, it was my fingers. Oh the humor didn't last long. The problem was, I never got my head into that remorseful state where the spanking was going to help. Once it started, I wanted to be there but never made it.  So when he made me kneel for the first time ever in the corner, I just got mad.  From giggles to mad in under 5 minutes, gotta be a record in there somewhere.

Well mad led to attitude and as we all know, I have trouble sharing why I'm upset. Little more attitude, little more serious hubby. (Seriously, this man has too much patience with me)  I did tell him the corner time just upset me. He didn't really say much, just gave me a look of "really". Which I should have read as a warning but I didn't.   So mad brat escapes and runs amok in the house. Stomping, slamming doors,rolling eyes, I knew she was out & didn't care.

I was, however, somewhat in control believe it or not. I did mind my rules about texting him when I got to my destination and asking for things I wanted to have but were at his discretion as to whether I can have them or not. I was still mad, just not crazy.   He texted me about what was wrong and knowing I went over that line. I asked if I was I was in trouble. He replied with a definite yes.

What I found myself feeling was relief and happiness. I don't know why but all of a sudden the dark cloud that was my mood, along with the brat, disappeared. I'm not worried about the consequences for the trouble. I'm ok with whatever comes. What I know is he loves me enough to still want to be near me when I'm a miserable brat.  

Still seems rather strange to me that I can feel all this in such a short amount of time. I'm glad the black cloud lifted. I'm glad it was his text that made it go away. He loves me. He wants me. He wants us!  I'm still learning and soon I'll be able to control that brat all the time. (HA I won't hold my breath for anytime real soon). I'm grateful Fonzi is a patient man. I love him!!  We're still on this journey together!!

Bad week

It's been one if those weeks where nothing seems to go right. I've been off and somewhere let the brat out to play and never put her back. I've let the disconnection and misunderstanding grow into a mountain instead of just facing it head on and making it go away. It's my fault (mostly) and I'm ready to admit it. 

To say I've been disrespectful and disobedient are understatements. I've done things just to do them. Said things just to say them. Why?  Because I was mad and upset. I really need to control that side of me better. I need to talk through my feelings rather than hoping they show enough on my sleeves to get his attention. They never do. He knows when something is wrong but he cannot pinpoint exactly what it is it what it means.   

It all started when I was playfully telling him NO but it wasn't really playful as I really didn't do what he wanted. I just didn't want to comply, I chose not to. I spent the test of the morning doing pretty much the same thing. Playfully pushing buttons I knew would make him do something. Anything!  A firm warning, a swat, a look but nothing. Later, a few texts telling me how disrespectful I was and a new list of chores that had to be done or else. (I've so not finished that list yet either). The "we will talk" text mid day sent shivers down my spine. 

The problem was nothing happened. He didn't get upset, no look was given, not one word of lecture or impending doom. I felt abandoned and hurt. Not that I wanted trouble but I guess I was looking for it. The next morning, nothing. The afternoon, nothing. It was as if he completely forgot ME!!  I did what any brat would do, broke a few more rules and backed away from him. I became distant and unreachable. I shut down. I'd been craving the connection but didn't realize it and when it didn't come, I closed (slammed would be closer to the truth) the door. 

I see it now so much more clearly than I did before. The fog has lifted and the brat has been silenced (for a while at least). I talked to him, he heard me. I don't know what the solution is or when it will come but I know he's trying. I know he still loves me. 

As for the rules I broke, the things I said or did, I am deeply sorry. It was wrong, I apologize. I haven't confessed them but I will if I am asked to make an accounting of them.  So far, he hasn't asked but I'm sure it's because he can guess what they are. I wasn't hiding when I did them, I won't hide from them now. (There are probably a few I hid better than others)

I'm still sitting just fine as of this writing. I'm still waiting for his final say, but I am done being a brat (for now LOL). 

It's our journey, it's our path. I am learning to follow. He is learning to lead. As always, be patient with me, I'm a slow learner somedays. 

The daily battle

I made it. I finished a week of daily maintenance without dying. Oh how I thought I might in the beginning but looking back, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.   I'm glad he took the time to reset our journey. My behavior almost derailed the train way too early and that would have been horrible. He loves me enough to right the wrongs and continue.  

Day 1 - no maintenance due to the fact the weekend yielded 5 (3 severe) spankings. He was sweet and gave me grace to allow my bottom a moment to recover. 

Days 2-5 - no more grace. Maintenance delivered and received. Boy was I one sore but content wife. 

Day 6 - Family visiting - no maintenance but I could  feel the brat escaping 

Day 7 - regular maintenance day but the brat escaped before maintenance. Ouch!

It was a tough week and I survived. He told me during our weekly meeting that he didn't like the daily maintenance, so it was over. He said, it felt like he was spanking me for no reason at all. I was surprised by my reaction. I told him, I deserved the spankings (gulp! Ya I said it). I had taken us to a place where he doubted I wanted to be on the journey. I didn't want to make him feel that way and I'm glad he took the reins and put us back on track. I told him how proud of him I was. How loved I felt. And as much as I didn't like the daily maintenance, I knew I was well behaved all week because of it.  I knew a misstep would not end well and on a sore bottom, it would be worse. I was more submissive, I was more his. He was in control and I let him lead. I told him how much I loved him being in control. I was/am content and happy. The incident has been well forgiven and I'm finally able to let it go. Let go of the guilt and frustration, the unhappiness of it all and just be us again.  

But......

Now I want and crave more. I need to know he's thinking about me when we are apart. Mostly because right now, we are more apart than together. We work opposite shifts. We spend nights together - sleeping.  I want to know he cares what I say, what I eat or drink or lately what I don't eat. That keeping me safe and protected is always in his mind.   That he is truly concerned with my health and happiness.  I want him to know it's ok to set boundaries for me.  It's ok to tell me no. It's ok to control the brat when he does say no. (She will be there I'm sure).  

Sometimes, I feel he holds back not wanting to smother me with rules and enforcement. So I wait, going over the scenes in my mind. Playing out the different scenarios until I'm sure I know how it will go. Then it doesn't go anywhere at all and I'm left feeling empty again wanting him to do more.   I'm not empty, not really. Just wanting.   In my mind, I know this needs to progress at it's own pace and I cannot control it anymore than I can control the rain. Yet I push. Patience is not a strong character trait for me.  I'm too good at making the stories in my head, the fantasies, seem so appealing I can't wait for them to be real.  They seldom are.  I will wait for him.  I will follow him. He is my path & I will not stray (no matter how cute the squirrels are the forest). 

I am learning to silence the brat and follow where the path takes me. It's our journey and it might take us years but we will get there - TOGETHER!!!!  Because really there is no other happy ending than the one we make as one!!

Major Lesson Learned

I wasn't going to write about this incident but I've learned so much from it and grown so much, I thought I needed to write it down in case I forget where I came from down the line.  

Basically, it all started from a stress filled attitude problem.  It's just been crazy here lately.  Family drama eventually takes a toll on everyone and for me that means being disrespectful to the one person who justs wants to keep me happy. I totally deserved the attitude adjustment and accepted it with no problems. He put me in the corner and lectured a bit more. Upon releasing me he asked me to do something on a submissive level.  No bra for most of the day. 

(This is where it goes totally wrong)

I didn't want to do it. I didn't want any part of this punishment. I begged for him to change his mind but he stood his ground. Just looking at me with the "really?" expression on his face. He called me back across his lap for round #2. Another firm spanking for disobedience. Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to just submit to his punishment. I looked for ways to get away with not doing it.  I shut down and sat on the floor of the closet and refused to come out.  When he asked what was wrong, I tried to deny it at first but he knew. He cautioned me not to go down this road but I was stubborn and not hearing him. Maybe thirty minutes later, he relented and let me off of this punishment. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself and asked the question. "What is so hard about just doing what he asked?  Why do you need to stand so firm on this?  Is it worth it?"  Now, with tears in my eyes, I gave in to his request.   It took me some time to get there but I did submit. (I think that's important). It was too late, he didn't care. He was relieved I guess that I got there, but not how long it took me. He promised, I would pay for my disobedience later.  When later came, it was a severe spanking but it lacked something. 

The next day, still overcome with guilt and sadness, I spoke with him. I told him how I felt. That I know all was supposed to be forgiven, but it didn't feel right.  I still felt immense guilt. I felt like he was still very upset with me, like it wasn't over. He asked me to drop it and let it go but I couldn't. It wasn't over.   We talked a lot that day about what went wrong. How my actions of disobedience to him was as if I was telling him I didn't want this journey anymore. He felt my not being able to submit was way bigger than just defiance. I didn't see it that way until he brought it up. I told him for me it was more about being vulnerable around other people. Being exposed to people like that was too much for me. He understood, he promised to take that particular punishment off the table.   It was never meant to affect me so negatively emotionally. 

He always would have kept me safe no matter how exposed I felt.   This is what got me to the point of submission. Even in trouble, he would keep me safe. His only concern was for me. He warned me against disobedience for my own good. He spanked me for my own good. 

He decided to get us back on track, he would give me two more spankings.  Basically one then and one later. Both to be severe punishment spanking, both to be remembered for a good long while. (But wait, there's more). He wrote out a stricter list of rules and a daily reminder spanking starting  the next day and on for at least a week. 

I know now that I was asking him to give me 100% of himself but I wasn't willing to give him 100% of me. I told myself I was, but I wasn't really. I still wanted some sense of control. I was picking and choosing how I would be submissive.  After all the spankings, I felt better.  I felt at peace finally. I no longer want to control this. I want him to lead me. I need him to lead me. 

Today is day #3 of daily reminders and I'm not sure right now my bottom can take much more. I will not fuss or fight it. I know he's doing this for us. I know he is right. He made his decision to continue us on our journey and I will follow his lead. 

I learned a lot about myself and Fonzi. This isn't a straight and narrow path, it's a lot of work. I'm glad we are learning and growing together. 

Lost & Confused

Why is it so hard to tell him all that I need and want. Somehow I have no problem telling him the things I've done wrong, the things that get me in trouble but not what is beneath. The why consumes me. The wants and needs. 

I've been thinking about why I constantly disobey or why I'm not feeling as submissive as I want to and I think it boils down to a desire to feel completely dominated. Like give away control and not worry about ever having to feel that way again. I don't feel like I can give up that control. Not yet. It's like some part of me still is trying to control everything and until that demon goes away, I'll be unhappy.

I don't know that it's in him to give me what I want. I don't know that his personality is to be so controlling.  Protective.  Maybe that's part of it too.  Maybe I need him to be overly protective of me. To watch out for me always. To have my back covered at all times. To keep me safe from myself or anything else. To hold me close always and not let me wander, even if it's just my mind wandering. My mind tends to wander a lot and sometimes it doesn't come back. 

Don't get me wrong.  I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. I just want something on a deeper level.  To feel his love when he's not near me.  Some way for him to be with me 24/7.  I know that my being more submissive to him, even when he's not around, will help but how do I get there if he doesn't demand me to be there. 

I feel so selfish.  So out of control, full of stress.  I'm trying but I'm not succeeding. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not really living in this moment. 

I'm lost but I'm willing to learn. I'm still on this journey as long as he's on it with me. 

I know the path is still ahead of us, we've just slid off the trail for a minute.

     This photo is mine.  All rights belong to me!!

Our special day

I had it coming. I knew it was coming. I did not enjoy waiting for it. 

I couldn't talk to him about what I was feeling. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was hurting & he was causing it. Instead I tried to get his attention anyway I could. To say I was a brat would be an understatement. I was acting out, talking back, being disobedient. I think I broke every rule (some twice). I also tried doing nice things, considerate things, submissive feeling things. He noticed the bad stuff and barely made mention of the good. Well at any rate, I got his attention.   

We had planned an outing. Just the two of us. It was, in the beginning, a weekend but turned into one day because he had to work. (Brat reason but no excuse) I was really looking forward to our day. A movie, lunch, a casino trip, dinner and a hotel. We never get to do stuff like that alone. We haven't had a date in years. 

We woke up and he asked if I was ready to start our day. I so was but he had other early morning plans. My time had run out and it was time to pay the price for being an insufferable brat for the last few days. I wanted to plead that it was our day but he wouldn't have listened. I instead complied and went across his lap. I swear there was no warm up. His hands were like steel. It lasted forever. He misplaced his stick and continued harder with his hand. Usually I'm grateful for the hand only spanking but this was unlike any before. I wanted it to stop. It did, he rubbed my back while I calmed down and then he found that silly stick and started again. I think there were 4 different sessions between the stick and his hand. I will not be acting like a brat anytime soon. 

And so our real day started. First a movie. (Ever sat still that long on a sore bottom - OMG it was horrible). The rest of the day went without a hitch. I stayed out of any more trouble. 

He found a new implement a a fishing store of all places. An 18" oar. Who would have thought a fishing store would be dangerous to take an HOH. I might need to rethink his anniversary gift. LOL

                                    It really is as  menacing &awful as it looks!!

It was a good day. I'm glad we had the time to connect as husband and wife, best friends, & lovers. 

It was also Sunday. Maintenance day. Just because I'd been spanked once didn't mean he would throw off our regular schedule. I tried - believe me - to convince him otherwise. He wanted to try out his new oar.  Try he did. That thing is as horrible as you can imagine it to be. Heavy large & stings like no other. Well I don't want to revisit it anytime soon. I've been good for 2 whole days. I might actually make it to reminder day without a discipline spanking this week. Crazier things have happened.  

I'm finally learning!!!  Maybe, but there's still plenty to learn. Together, we will learn. Together, we take this journey. 

Small Victories

So finally something to write because I feel like it and not because I got in trouble again.  Not that I didn't mind you, I'm just not writing about that today.  

To say we've had a few weeks from hell would be an understatement.  Some of these things will continue for another month due to circumstances beyond our control.  It's difficult but in these hard times, I've found some small victories and I need to write them down so as not to forget how far we've come on this journey.

Our Journey, our life now as opposed to before, had been a great tool to lead us on a path to our future.  Whether it's DD, TTWD or D/s I'm not sure.  Most likely some combination of everything and I know that is ok because it is ours.  It's our Journey.  No one else has to take this path but us.

So onto the victory part.  In and amongst all this strife, there are changes that I can see and feel.  I have a temper, the occasional bad attitude and a general laziness when it comes to housework.  Since our journey began, I can feel a peace like I've not felt in years.  The flare ups from the temper have settled, the attitude is lessened and I have chores.  I'm not there yet, but it's a good start.  Before the journey, I would have bit the heads off whoever came close to me when I was in this place of stress and things that I could not control.  Even yesterday, when things felt at their worst, I did not go into full melt down, full out attitude mode.  I let him guide me, ever so swiftly, to peace and control.  I came out ok.  For once, I did not feel as though I would drown in self pity and despair.  He has brought me to the shore of tranquility.  

He's changed to and I think that is my biggest victory.  He wears his seat belt in the car.  I never thought in a million years, I would get him to voluntarily wear a seat belt.  He shows me he loves me every day.  The fear of him leaving is gone.  He's in control.  He no longer does things that I feel drive a wedge into our existence together.  

The best victory is I'm happy again.  I feel loved and wanted.  I no longer worry about the little stuff because I don't have to.  I'm able to trust again.  I no longer have that horrible case of the "un's".  

It's our journey, we will take it together.  We will learn, we will grow and we will be better because of it.  

Lacking Something

It was bound to happen sooner or later I guess.  He could not possibly go on being Mr Perfect. (Ok I totally laughed even writing that). At some point the general consistency we've been enjoying would end. It's his right to change his mind. It's at his discretion to dole out discipline. I get that. I will deal with it. 

So the set up was a few days ago I got the your attitude was out of control today speech. It was a crappy weekend, so much stuff to deal with and I let a little one annoy me (which leads to attitude towards the next person in my line of sight - guess who). Ok so the warning and the "we will talk" line but nothing really happened. A few words were exchanged but nothing really final. No forgiveness, no aftercare - just nothing. Regular maintenance the next day but nothing said of attitude. Maybe this was his grace for the weekend from hell. I easily let it go. I'm not crazy enough to say "hey, you didn't spank me for this". 

Yesterday was another morning I wish I'd never had. Unlike Monday where I was just off and needed a reset (which I got - ouch), I was just mad. I'd asked him to do something and instead he poked fun about stuff I didn't do and how was this different. Well this wasn't anything like what I don't do and frankly no adult should leave this problem for another. I never would. I ended up doing it because he wouldn't do it right anyway which made me madder. I was disrespectful at this point. I see it NOW but in that moment I was unable to see anything other than my own hurt feelings. I left for work, slammed a door or two, barely said bye and even that had the "tone".  Once at work, refused to send the "I'm at work" text.   A little while later a text that read "The way u left today was very disrespectful and demands attention tonight..."  Took me seconds to recover my mind after that and realize maybe he was right. I resigned myself to whatever would come my way. 

Nothing did, nothing has and nothing will. I don't know how to describe what I felt. Maybe a sense of abandonment. We haven't not talked about stuff in 2 months. We always talk now, good or bad. This was nothing. Not even an acknowledgment or an I changed my mind. Which he did but he could still say something. Just leaving me hanging like that hurts. I told him partially what I was feeling but not in depth. I can't go back to the not talking. The letting little things slide by. The fear of growing resentment again. I won't go back there. 

I'm trying to behave today. To be mindful of my submission. To remember he does love me. To not let these tears of frustration turn to anger and disrespect or all out defiance.   I'm not that girl anymore (most of the time anyway). 

A first hurdle in the the journey. We will jump it. We will cross over stronger than before.  We are still learning - together!!

He is paying attention

To say some mornings I lack the motivation to get the day rolling would be a total understatement. I'm the one who will hit snooze as many times as possible calculating just how mush more time I can lay there comfy & still be on time. It's a constant mental game for sleep. 9 more minutes here and I will take a quicker shower. I can lay here and contemplate my outfit, my moves.  Completely choreograph my morning routine in my head for just a few extra moments of sleep. It's not that I'm sleeping at this point, just delaying what I know I have to do.  Procrastination at it's finest. 

These things he knows all too well. I'm not a morning person and will delay any morning until noon if I could. This is why he established the get out of bed at a certain time rule. It's for my well being. I'm happier when I'm not rushed in the morning. I'm less crabby all day. Im less likely to take it all out on him.

The kids have been out of school, we've had family drama and it was Monday. Who doesn't dread getting out of bed on Monday?  I was slightly procrastinating, doing my usual dance in my head. Ok, no kids to get ready, an extra snooze. It takes x amount of time to get to work, a shorter shower, I can wear this and the whole thing going as I planned. I even took time to sit on the bed and play a few games and of course make questionable comments to the sleeping bear.   Turns out, I don't think he was sleeping. My comment that I seemed to lack motivation did not go as unheard as I thought.  As well as the "ya think" comment when he asked if I was running late. 

I did finally start to get ready, albeit very late at this point. There was no way I would be on time. No way my day wasn't headed in a wrong direction. He gently said, so you have no motivation this morning. Looking shocked, I said no just don't feel it today.   I thought there'd be a lecture, maybe words of encouragement or I don't know - nothing! (Giggling already aren't you). He offered to give me motivation. Well he didn't really offer anything, he pretty much said I've got your motivation. Pillows were in place on the bed, tools out, proper motivation right there - yep I saw it, just that much too late. He landed several swats of motivation on the one place I could remember where it was all day. 

After that, my day went well.  I stayed focused and on track all day at work.  I didn't have any problems with attitude. I didn't break any rules.  Found no more trouble that day. Not sure when he started paying this kind of attention to me, but I like it. I like the feeling of being loved and cherished so much that he is willing to push a reset button for us. I felt like I matter. I haven't felt that way in so long.   I like letting him lead me. I love this man!!!

Let the adventure continue. As long as I'm learning, we will be alright!!

Those 4 little words

There have been few things in my life that have stopped me dead in my tracks or changed my direction so abruptly. There is always "the look". Whether from my Mom or Dad as a child or from my husband now, it is always a visual incentive to change something NOW.  Rarely did the look from mom or dad ever evolve into more. I'm just good like that. (I hear you giggling).  The look from my husband on the other hand, never ends well. Either because I've already stepped over the line or I just keep on going.

The last time the look didn't work, I told him it was ok to tell me to stop before I got that far. Before I pushed the envelope to the point of no return. It was ok to let me know he'd had enough already.   I can be a talker. When things aren't going my way, I tend to want to over compensate with explanation. I am of course right, he just needs to hear all my reasons. Or when I'm being playful and he's not feeling it the same way, I guess I can come off as annoying.   (I don't get it, but I guess it's possible).

So the other day, in the midst of a playful banter. I heard it. ENOUGH. Just 1 word. It was all I needed. Butterflies and chills, I stopped. Walked away and left it alone. It was over before I got myself into trouble. That one word. That one second to stop, regroup and walk away. I never thought it would work but it did. I've heard that one a few more times and each time the same result.  This even works in text form. From the other side of town, the one word text just ends it always the same. Butterflies and chills but no trouble.

Then there's the other three words. Also the power to stop me dead in my tracks but always too late. A line is already crossed, a rule already broken. We will talk. Talk talk? No, more he lectures, I listen kind of talk. This talk always ends up with me in a very vulnerable position begging for another chance. (I don't really beg - out loud anyway).  These words are usually on the phone or in a text. Rarely in person.  The power they carry is immeasurable. I know instantly what the future holds and it's going to be painful. Unfortunately, I've seen too many of this text lately.

We will talk is different than let's talk. Let's talk is more right now, in your face kind of trouble. The we will talk is more of a just wait til you get home kind of trouble. The kind you think about maybe for hours, dreading the idea of actually talking.

Words do have power.

I'm still learning. He's still learning. We are enjoying the journey - together!

His Kryptonite

It's been a very trying week. A lot is going on and a lot of family drama has taken over my world. All in all, I've not have any major melt downs or attitude issues. A few small ones yes but nothing so major that I dreaded being spanked for. I was spanked, just didn't dread it.

I've dealt with a lot different spankings over the last 4+ weeks. Maintenance & reminders once a week. Discipline and punishment when necessary.  So let's just say I've experienced it, should have gotten a T-shirt. Instead got bruises and an inability to sit still without remembering why I should be good. (Let's say I have a bad memory)

That being said. I never cried. It's not that I wasn't remorseful because I was. It's not that it didn't hurt because believe me it did. (Well there was one that didn't but that's another story and he figured out the problem and fixed it LOL). I don't know why, just no tears.

This mornings reminder was no different than any other. He used the belt (which he rarely uses but he broke the paddle - I kinda want that paddle back. Shhhh don't tell). It wasn't any worse than any other reminder except I'm different this week. I'm sad and I haven't shed any tears for that either. So today for the first time, I cried during a spanking. Not a big blubbering baby kind of cry, just a few tears sneaking their way down my cheek.

It wasn't the spanking that made me cry but I felt a little better.

The look on his face was troubled. "You cried?"  Almost an accusation tone in his voice. As if I'm not allowed to cry. I simply said "yes sir" and let his tone pass by. (See they have these "tones" too but they won't admit it). He looked heart-broken. He actually couldn't believe it and I think it hurt him to see me cry. He had not been expecting that. He was not prepared to comfort his crying wife.

So tears are his kryptonite. If only temporarily, I saw the weakness in his eyes. I won't use my new found tool as a means to escape any spankings in the future (or will I?). I don't know if ill ever cry again. I don't know what the magic combination is for the big baby blubbering relief cry I've heard about. Maybe I'll never know.

I do know that like the cute adorable sweetness that I try to use from time to time, tears will not deter him for long.

Still learning all the tricks.




Sent from my iPhone

Confession

I have a natural ability to over-share.  I also find guilt to be a gut wrenching experience.  I do not like that guilty feeling and being a natural over-sharer I have no problem confessing.  It's not a bad thing to confess.  It's not a bad thing to relieve yourself of the guilt that you're holding onto.  The only down side I've found is the trouble it keeps causing me.

Now is it confession that is causing me trouble?  NO!  The fact that there are a few rules that I insist on breaking over and over that is causing me trouble. The phone use in the car seems to be one that I just can't get past.  I know there is danger, I know there is a rule but sometimes it just seems easier to use the phone than to let someone else feel any kind of stress because they couldn't reach me.  Seems easier at the time, but a few minutes later, after thought, I know it was wrong.  No amount of excuses I can come up with seem to make it any better.  The excuse to not cause others grief, ends up giving me grief in the end.

The disappointment on his face, the tone in his voice, the words of lecture are spot on creating more remorse.  The punishment would come in the morning after confession because it was already late.  He put me in position, he lined up his paddle and once again reminded me why these rules were rules and why I was to obey them.  There was no amount of squirming or trying to get away that would sway the sting of that leather paddle.  No amount of begging or promising to be good deterred him from his task.  The good news is I felt better after confessing and being punished.  All things are forgiven and forgotten.  The bad news is that he likes that big giant leather paddle and I don't think he's sending it back anymore.  It was horrible & I don't want to meet it anytime soon.  Today I sit gingerly.  The phone safely tucked away in my purse for the duration of my travels. 

So confessing I broke a rule (again) isn't really hard.  Accepting the fact that I'm in trouble (again) isn't that hard.  Sitting afterwards, that's hard!!!

You'd think I'd learn by now but Nope!!! Still learning!!!

The exercise

I wrote the other day about a full on submissive day where I could only do what I was told or allowed to do.  Everything I wanted or needed would be controlled by him. I would give everything to him.  My whole world would be at his discretion.  Easy right?? OH no, in no way. 

It wasn't horrible.  I wasn't perfect.  He wasn't perfect. 

He had worked a double the night before, so he was really tired and didn't really push the limits of my submissions. He only reprimanded me a few times for not saying sir, or doing something without asking. He only put me in position twice during the day but later told me had he not been so tired, it would have been 5 or 6.   I did not earn any extra swats for bad behavior. (Stop laughing, I can be good when I want to be)

He did make me wear clothes of his choosing, which left me feeling naked and exposed all day even though I wasn't. I guess this is when I felt the most submissive. I couldn't do anything about it. Couldn't change clothes, couldn't add clothes. Very humbling & full on embarrassing.  Once I was allowed to change clothes, I realized I didn't feel the same towards the submissive day. It was almost like it was over, but the look on his face later proved me wrong. 

I don't think this is the last time we will do this type of exercise. While it was working, we were closer.  We had a connection that we both enjoyed.   I totally loved giving him charge of all of me. He did me proud. He was not abusive with his power, he was loving and caring. 

Since Sunday is the beginning of a new week, we finished the night with our usual sit down discussion and maintenance (ugh). A tweak of a few rules, a stern warning of the ones I can't manage to follow and all is good. We are doing alright in our journey. We realize it's our journey to take. No one else will have this journey as everyone must go down their own path. 

Some day soon I may sit without squirming a little, but until then, I'm still learning!!

Submissive or not?

As I sit here again with a sore bruised bottom, I wonder how I continue to get here. I asked for this, it should be easy. It's not!  So totally not easy. So what is wrong with me?  Why do I find it so hard to fully submit to his wishes, his rule, our rules?  Why do I find myself over and over again laid across his lap for again breaking the same rule?  

I told him recently I needed him to be more in control. I needed to be able to feel his control even when he wasn't around. I need to feel his safety net always. He agreed to give me more.  More control would mean a shorter leash more rules. It would be a bigger challenge for my submission. While I want and crave the dominance, I struggle with submission still. 

I'm not sure it's that I'm testing the boundaries?  I know those are made of stone and I won't be able to push my way through.  It's more me getting into an independent place in my head. A place I find hard to escape after so many years. I can take care of myself. I am strong. Yet, somewhere in that place, I know my submission lies. Waiting for it's chance at freedom.  

My rule breaking is a sure sign of lack of submission, not a lack of wanting it. Wanting it and doing it are on so different levels.  I'm going to master this thing. 

This weekend, he has decided to initiate a submissive day. A day full of doing only what I'm allowed to do. A day where I ask for everything I need or want. A day where the word sir will be used without fail.  A day where I do only as I am told.  A challenge I am ready to take. 

I will be the best I can be because that is what he deserves. He gives me so much, loves me deeply and wants to be with me forever.  I am such a lucky woman to have a man, a best friend who is willing to give me all I need. 

Be patient with me, I'm still learning!

The Anniversary Spanking(s)

We have been married 20 years. It's been an adventure from the first day we met. Our love story was like no other. We ended up eloping after only 2 weeks and out lasted everyone of our friends. We are lucky to still be in love.  I'm lucky to be married to my best friend.   

So the day would start with a little reminder of who the boss is, who's in control. Didn't matter is was our anniversary, it was reminder day. Mr Consistency is always true to his word and no amount of batting eyes and cuteness would deter him.  So across his lap I went.  He wielded his trusty paddle brush and promptly applied a reminder of why I should be good.  I got the message over and over again.  This message was so well received, I felt it necessary to confess way to much after the fact. Ya, I know, when will I learn to just keep my mouth shut?  Probably, never.   So while the reminder was fresh, he reminded me that it did not excuse the other stuff but not to worry, he would forgive me later. (This is the last appearance of that brush as sadly it broke)

The anniversary itself was nice. He came to my work for lunch.  Bought me beautiful beads for my bracelet and had a surprise waiting for me at home. A surprise that included flower petals on the floor and a heart shape made of little kisses on the bed. It was so sweet, something that he's never done ever in 20 years. Don't worry, he received a gift card to his favorite store and some candy.  Not as dramatic I know but I will now have to join him at this favorite store of his while he picks out the gift he wants. (I hate this store - so it's a really big deal that I'll actually go)

He also ordered some new implements that came the night before.  A very large (like super huge) leather paddle and a smaller wooden spoon sized thing with holes. I really don't know what goes through his mind when he picks out these things. Neither of these got used for the morning spanking. 

So during the day, there were many chances for him to tell me how my night would end. A quick text here, a phone call telling me how "hot" my night would be. Not the fun hot, but the fire burning stingy ouchie hot of discipline.  He delivered on his warning when he finally got home from work. He promised that he was only trying to invest in the next 20 years and us. He decided to try out the new wooden thing. I do not like the new wooden thing.  I now know why I hear so much about the spoons. The concentration of stingy pain all over my bottom and thighs was almost unbearable. I couldn't stay still, I dodged and squirmed. He held on tight. I have a few new bruises including one that resembles that stupid spoon looking thing. (He told me I shouldn't have squirmed - he's probably right)

It was an overall great anniversary. I feel loved and cherished, safe and secure. I know I have a lot to learn but I'm in good hands. Here's to another 20 or more years. 

Whirlwind

This journey has been a whirlwind of adventures. We talk, we laugh, we spend a lot of time together.  It's not all been easy. There has been plenty of times I wish I hadn't asked for this. (Ok mostly when I'm OTK).  I'm glad I did. I'm glad he's still here with me. I'm happy and content for the first time in years.

He's beginning to have doubts that he's doing this thing right. Is he too strict, too quick to punish?  He is strict on the rules we have agreed upon.  He is very consistent on those rules. He is a little more laid back on the attitude and tones, as long as I don't push too far.  Unfortunately, I've given him many reasons to punish.  I'm sure there are many more sore red bottoms in my future.

We are learning still. We are talking.  For me, as long as we are talking and moving forward, we are doing this right.   I love him and I know he loves me.

The phone, the car & the HOH

Well I wanted this blog to be more about us and our journey than a reflection place for why I was/am in trouble. Lately, trouble seems to be my middle name.  Sometimes no matter how hard I try, old habits come back into play. 

So this time, unlike with Facebook, it was so accidental I didn't even realize I had done it until it was too late.   Getting on Facebook knowing I was not supposed to was more an act of defiance. A rebellious state of mind for which I immediately felt guilt, confessed and was punished accordingly.  I'm trying hard to stifle that little rebellious brat but she is one strong determined person, a formidable opponent. 

The rule:  Seatbelt must be worn at all times, no texting while driving, no phone calls except with use of Bluetooth. 

Simple enough.  I started this one actually because HOH never wore a seatbelt and always had phone in hand. He does use a Bluetooth for making calls, that was his addition. I hate the Bluetooth, it hurts my ears so I rarely ever use it. I'm not big on texting while driving and always wear a seatbelt and not very often talk on the phone while driving. 

Until. . . .

We were driving to the kids soccer game when I received a call. I saw it was from the school, so I answered. It was only a recorded message and could have totally waited. I don't know why, looking back, that I answered that call.  Old habits have a way of coming back to bite you in the butt. (Literally, in this case)

Who was on the phone?
Just the school, why?
Oh, I thought it might be really important since you answered it in the car. You're driving right?

And the lightbulb goes on. Oh, crap what did I just do?

I'll help you remember to not use the phone in the car. 

That reminder always waits until the house is quiet. I had a lot of time to wonder just how bad it was going to be. I did all my chores, was super sweet (not really) and tried to mentally prepare for what I knew was coming. 

Fonzi is not a big lecturer. He calmly states the facts interjecting none of the guilt. At least until this one.  The I can't believe you did that while I was in the car.  It was disrespectful and disobedient. Not to mention how dangerous it was for yourself and everyone in the car.  (Really, just 2 weeks ago, you told me how great a driver you were so it wasn't dangerous).  I'm not sure where the lecturing Fonzi came from but boy was he there last night.  I was told to stand in the corner until the house was still and quiet. It's hard to stand in a dark corner. 

Once the house was quiet, the fireworks began. Not a big warm up, this was punishment after all. He drew his evil stick and began.  Swat after horrible swat, I thought it would never end. He paused to lecture some more but my break was short lived. Again the rain of awful stingy swats landing on my thighs and covering my bottom in a storm of fire. Another break, another lecture. More rain of fire. (Have I mentioned how I hate that stick - this is apparently not the time to tell him but I did). Followed by more fire. 

I won't sit still today. My bottom still stings from the bite of that nasty stick (and my thighs). My phone will stay in my purse this morning. Maybe I'll break out the Bluetooth and get it ready for use. A small short lived pain in my ear is better than he horrible pain in my bottom. 

I do however, appreciate and love him even more because he was protecting me from danger, myself even. I know he loves me.  I felt his love last night.  He held me until I fell asleep and whispered I love you many times in my ear.  I'm one lucky baby girl. 

Be patient, I'm still learning (and losing bad habits).

Vulnerable or needy?

I've needed to write for days but couldn't think of what to write. Usually it's something about me bing in trouble, but really is that all I ever want to write about. Although, I have plenty to write about.   I'm sitting here looking at the laundry I was told to put away many times. I'll get to it. Eventually. LOL. 

So here it is. My topic for today. Maybe someone will understand my rambling. Where's the line between vulnerability & neediness?  

I woke up yesterday in a sad place and I tried for hours to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that I was missing the closeness with Fonzi. Since this journey began, we've spent a lot of time together wether talking, laughing or just snuggling.  I've felt loved, wanted, safe and very vulnerable. I've given more of myself to him in the last two weeks than I had given in years. I've given him all of me; emotionally & physically.  I've not asked for much in return other than to feel the closeness and the love. Those are the things that make me feel safe & protected.   

Then suddenly a forgotten word, a forgotten hug or snuggle. I felt exposed in a way I hadn't been before. Ive not needed him to say "I love you" every time he leaves or before bed in years, so why now?  Why do I need to hear it before I can sleep?  Why before he leaves for the day?  

I guess I don't want to fall back into old habits. I don't want to go through life in a hum drum kind of space anymore. I want more from him, from us.

So I have this question:  Am I just being needy or selfish or have I left my self vulnerable?

I did write him a note explaining how I felt ignored when he forgot the little things we had promised each other. I did feel better after knowing he read it and said he didn't realize I felt that way.  Yet, I still feel something sad inside that at anytime he can forget again.  I promised not to be a brat and just talk to him (I don't see that brat part not happening tho) if I feel this way again. I also promised to follow the rules, even if I wasn't feeling like it. 

So that being said.  Off to tackle the laundry monster.  Still with questions in my head but a little more at peace now that I've thrown it into blog land. I don't expect anyone to read it or comment but it's out of my head and that helps me too.

Obsession

Do you have an obsession or addiction?  Has it gotten so far out of control that you can't manage to stop on your own?  Have you asked for help?  Even with help, do you find it hard to control?

I have a Facebook addiction. There I said it.  Admitting it is the first step right?  I don't know why but I see that little icon on my phone and it calls to me. It wants me to come inside and visit with my friends and family. It wants me to play the games and post the silly pictures. It draws me in like a moth to the flame. 

Once inside, there is comfort in seeing that all your friends are there. There is warmth in their posts and silliness in their photos. A new selfie, a milestone for the new baby. It's like we live our lives in a virtual world on a screen.  We don't actually ever share these moments but somehow we are there. Every time I sign on, it's like a family or class reunion, lunch with the girls or just watching like a mother at a park watches everything.  It's comforting. 

I guess I don't have many friends that are not in Facebook land. The connection I feel is probably great inside Facebook because I don't see many of my friends due to very busy lives. It's a way to keep in touch. 

Needless to say, I'm addicted. I can't help it. I told Fonzi I wanted help to curb the desire to be on Facebook so much. He agreed it had become a huge distraction for me and agreed to help. (Although he thinks I have other things that are far worse - don't worry, he made rules for those too)  I agreed to stay off (cold turkey) of Facebook for 2 weeks. A self imposed grounding from Facebook. 

I did so good the first week.  I didn't go in once. Oh, the desire to go in was there but the instinct to save my butt was stronger. I am allowed to play the app games that connect with Facebook. One such game sent a request & when I clicked it, it took me to Facebook instead of the app. It was an accident, I quickly closed Facebook down, made a quick confession and it was over. Or was it?  The problem was a saw something that troubled me and by the next day the obsession with the error got the better of me and I checked out Facebook. Just for the error, I didn't scroll or browse around. Good for me but bad for the addiction monster lurking inside me.  The monster showed up full force yesterday and I found myself engulfed in the stories and faces I have missed so much for a whole week. It took me a few (like 3-4) minutes to realize what I was really doing and I shut it down.  

How on earth do I tell him?  How did I get myself here?  Extreme guilt and shame had to be worse than anything he would say or do.  I told him in a text.  His reply "meet me in the bedroom when you get home".   It was a butterfly kind of moment, I knew I was in trouble but I felt relaxed and at peace because I knew he would help me. He was there to see me through his no matter what.  He stepped up to the HoH plate and swung for the home run. I had nothing to worry about.  When I'm not in control, he is. Ever loving, never harsh, just totally in control. 

After everyone was in bed and the house was quiet, after we snuggled for a little while, he stepped up to the plate and started swinging again. He has quite a swing on him.  He was at bat for what seemed like an eternity. I won't sit still today or probably tomorrow but I know I won't be on Facebook. He also imposed another 2 week ban. So much for progress, I start over. 

This addiction is small in comparison to some struggles of other people but addiction, no matter what it is, can be all consuming. I am lucky I have someone who is willing to help me fix me.  I am loved. 

Be patient with me, I'm still learning.

The First Sit Down

He started by telling me there would be no trouble for things said in the sit down. I wasn't so sure I believed that at first. We discussed our first week, what went right, what went wrong and how we planned to improve. I said I had been a brat because I was upset with him. I felt ignored and rather than tell him so, I just acted out of spite. I was less than submissive. I was more downright defiant at times.  He apologized for getting lazy.  He knew he should have corrected an attitude or tone but he didn't. He said he knew when I was being a brat but chose to ignore like he used to.  He promised that would change. (Ut oh). 

I didn't tell him the other stuff. I feel guilty but I didn't want to push too far. It wasn't a big deal, so I'm just going to let it go until it eats away at me so much, I explode in a whole confession saga. (Or he reads this blog - whichever comes first). It's hard to say I disappointed you again.  I know I wasn't supposed to but I did it anyway.  Ok so here it is.  It's really not that bad.  The first time in a week I saw Facebook was totally by accident. I did not mean to be there, I was playing a game. But what I saw was an error message with my account. I didn't even check it out. Quickly as it came on, it was off again.  The second time (here's the guilty part) was to find out what the error was or if there was one.   I didn't stay long, I didn't even scroll but having it there on the screen was comforting.  All my friends and family tucked happily away in one place. 

So the meeting was a success. No rule changes this week because we both still need to work on what's already in place. We both need to step up to the plate again and swing for all it's worth. Nothing less than home runs. 

Then he reaches into the cabinet of horrors and pulls out the hairbrush. Really?  I thought we were just talking here. He gently explains that this will put us back on track.  Help me remember who's in charge. Help me focus on changing my attitude and tone.   Just a little touch-up. 

I was hesitant about crossing his lap. He gave me time (not much tho) to set myself in place. I felt vulnerable and safe. This one wouldn't be because he is mad or disappointed with me.  This one is because he loves me. 

The first week

Here it is the last few moments of the first full week of our new journey. I can't say I've enjoyed the entire ride so far but I know we are on the right path. 

I feel loved and wanted. I feel safe & secure. I feel spoiled & protected. I feel happy. Happy has been hard to find lately and I've realized it was mostly my fault. Once I started taking responsibility for my actions, I became calmer, more sane. 

This week of dd has brought out all the firsts.  First spanking to break us into the lifestyle. It kind of gave us a base for where we would begin. A kind of clear the air, start a new chapter. The past is the past, all is forgiven and we march on.  The first punishment spanking which was well deserved after a few rule breaking moments. Followed by the first swats of "oh no you didn't just do that" after a refusal of punishment. Silly thing was, it wasn't even a spanking I was refusing. That's what I got plus the original punishment. 

It wasn't all spanking & punishment though.  It was communication and a togetherness we haven't shared in a long while. It was an accountability statement for both of us. It was our way of finding the love we've shared for 20 years. 

I'm looking back on this first week, I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself but I know that he is right behind me for support however I may need it. I know he loves me, he tells me everyday. I know he misses me when I'm away as I miss him.   He shows me everyday. I will do the best I can to make him happy and show him how much I love him too. 

Rumor has it that maintenance starts next week. I'll let you know how that goes.  I do know that I won't refuse. See I am learning!!!