I wasn't going to write about this as I've discussed it a thousand times but I realize that this blog serves as my reminder to not do these things again. A sort of diary of the stupid things that get me in trouble. Really there should be a thousand entries already in our 4 month journey but even I can't figure out why I do some of the things I do.
So this day started out like any other. Making plans for a Saturday together. We decided to go shopping and to lunch. I was already starving. Never good as my mood swings are easier to trigger when I'm hungry or tired. Well plans change as plans do when other people get involved. Now instead of the two of us, it's now us and both girls. No longer lunch where I suggested and had my sights set on but wherever the mood takes us when we get where we are going. (Do you see this starting to unravel). No longer shopping where I wanted to go bet where the others wanted to go. No more about us as a couple, now it's us as parents.
We hit store #1 and as I am looking around I noticed I was alone. They had gone another direction and not one of them bothered to tell me. (Did I mention I was hungry and prone to irrational moments?). Strike one! Another smart mouth rude comment from a kid and I was over the edge. I thought I had it under control. I didn't yell or argue just got quiet and sullen. What I didn't do was clue him in as what was wrong. I really did try to get past it myself. I didn't want to ruin his time because of my hurt feelings. It was probably just hunger and I would feel better after we ate. Right? Well not so much. I had already decided what I wanted to eat and we didn't go there so at this point it really didn't matter to me. Just pick something. I'll be fine.
So apparently the quiet sullen wife who was saying anything was getting on his radar of trouble. (There should b audible warning systems in place). When I told him "it doesn't matter" I pushed the fire all weapons button and sent the day into a downward spiral I couldn't recover from. He quit talkin to me, wouldn't look at me and his responses were short or "it doesn't matter". Yep doom was into future.
We were never alone, I couldn't fix it at this point as I didn't know how. I knew I wanted it over but now he was upset and it would blow up eventually. I'd ruined the afternoon because I couldn't just drop it sooner.
A few hours after being home, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He asked what happened and I told him I let something the kid said get to me. He grabbed my hand again and led me to the kid. He sat us both down and told us how he needed us to get over it. (Love this side of him). He held us both accountable for what had happened.
Once that was settled and we were alone in the house the real trouble began. I was led back to the bedroom. He said let's gets this over with so hopefully I can put it past us. He was still really upset and I knew it would be more severe than normal severe. I don't remember all the details of the actual spanking. There was no warm up, it hurt, I wiggled a lot. Couldn't stay in position to save my life (which I thought it might at some point). He threw down the impliments and walked away not releasing me. Just left. I laid there crying, not from the punishment but from the abandonment. I cried because I'd hurt him so deeply and I couldn't even be still long enough to end it for both of us. When he came back, it started again. He was calmer but still mad. I still wiggled but did my best.
Finally I was over. A hug, a kiss - forgiveness.
I never thought it was pilots subtle to be spanked until you couldn't sit down. I'd never been there. Having now been there, I'm trying every thing NOT to go back. I spent a few hours on my tummy, slept on my tummy and wished for relief.
The morning brought a rainbow of colors all across my bottom. I think I saw every color in a crayon box. I would not be comfortable again for a long time. I was ok with that. It's like a badge if forgiveness. I know at one time he wouldn't have cared to make us right. It would have eaten away at us for weeks or months. I know because he did take care of it that he loves me. He wants us to still be us. We are still ok.
I learned to speak up. What I want does matter. I might not get it all the time and I'm learning to deal with that too. I do matter to him. My thoughts and feelings are as important now as they ever were. Only now, I know he hears me. He wants to hear me, wants to make me happy and keep me safe.
It's not an easy path we are on and really no marriage ever should be. One the path is easy, it's boring and easy to push aside. I like the rocky path, it keeps us trying. I'm still learning everyday in this journey & I'm still so glad he's there beside me.