Thursday, July 24, 2014

The rainbow


I wasn't going to write about this as I've discussed it a thousand times but I realize that this blog serves as my reminder to not do these things again. A sort of diary of the stupid things that get me in trouble. Really there should be a thousand entries already in our 4 month journey but even I can't figure out why I do some of the things I do. 

So this day started out like any other. Making plans for a Saturday together. We decided to go shopping and to lunch.  I was already starving. Never good as my mood swings are easier to trigger when I'm hungry or tired.   Well plans change as plans do when other people get involved. Now instead of the two of us, it's now us and both girls. No longer lunch where I suggested and had my sights set on but wherever the mood takes us when we get where we are going. (Do you see this starting to unravel). No longer shopping where I wanted to go bet where the others wanted to go. No more about us as a couple, now it's us as parents. 

We hit store #1 and as I am looking around I noticed I was alone. They had gone another direction and not one of them bothered to tell me. (Did I mention I was hungry and prone to irrational moments?). Strike one!  Another smart mouth rude comment from a kid and I was over the edge. I thought I had it under control. I didn't yell or argue just got quiet and sullen. What I didn't do was clue him in as what was wrong. I really did try to get past it myself. I didn't want to ruin his time because of my hurt feelings. It was probably just hunger and I would feel better after we ate.  Right?  Well not so much. I had already decided what I wanted to eat and we didn't go there so at this point it really didn't matter to me.  Just pick something. I'll be fine. 

So apparently the quiet sullen wife who was saying anything was getting on his radar of trouble. (There should b audible warning systems in place). When I told him "it doesn't matter" I pushed the fire all weapons button and sent the day into a downward spiral I couldn't recover from.  He quit talkin to me, wouldn't look at me and his responses were short or "it doesn't matter". Yep doom was into future. 

We were never alone, I couldn't fix it at this point as I didn't know how. I knew I wanted it over but now he was upset and  it would blow up eventually.  I'd ruined the afternoon because I couldn't just drop it sooner. 

A few hours after being home, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He asked what happened and I told him I let something the kid said get to me. He grabbed my hand again and led me to the kid. He sat us both down and told us how he needed us to get over it. (Love this side of him). He held us both accountable for what had happened. 

Once that was settled and we were alone in the house the real trouble began. I was led back to the bedroom. He said let's gets this over with so hopefully I can put it past us. He was still really upset and I knew it would be more severe than normal severe. I don't remember all the details of the actual spanking. There was no warm up, it hurt, I wiggled a lot. Couldn't stay in position to save my life (which I thought it might at some point). He threw down the impliments and walked away not releasing me. Just left. I laid there crying, not from the punishment but from the abandonment. I cried because I'd hurt him so deeply and I couldn't even be still long enough to end it for both of us. When he came back, it started again. He was calmer but still mad. I still wiggled but did my best. 
Finally I was over. A hug, a kiss - forgiveness. 

I never thought it was pilots subtle to be spanked until you couldn't sit down. I'd never been there.  Having now been there, I'm trying every thing NOT to go back. I spent a few hours on my tummy, slept on my tummy and wished for relief. 

The morning brought a rainbow of colors all across my bottom. I think I saw every color in a crayon box. I would not be comfortable again for a long time. I was ok with that. It's like a badge if forgiveness. I know at one time he wouldn't have cared to make us right. It would have eaten away at us for weeks or months. I know because he did take care of it that he loves me. He wants us to still be us. We are still ok. 

I learned to speak up. What I want does matter. I might not get it all the time and I'm learning to deal with that too. I do matter to him. My thoughts and feelings are as important now as they ever were. Only now, I know he hears me. He wants to hear me, wants to make me happy and keep me safe. 

It's not an easy path we are on and really no marriage ever should be. One the path is easy, it's boring and easy to push aside. I like the rocky path, it keeps us trying. I'm still learning everyday in this journey & I'm still so glad he's there beside me. 

7 comments:

  1. Oh Erika I have been there. Trying to suppress I can fix this on my own. He doesn't notice. It isn't a big deal that I don't get to go where I want to...that our plans have changed. YUP years of suppression expertise down the tubes due to ttwd! LOL.

    And the MORE black and blue spankings you get, the less black and blue you actually become. That actually kind of sucks because you still endure the pain, but have nothing to show for it ! LOL. I remember when someone first told me that in the early days of Dd and I didn't ever think that would be true for me....sigh.

    It is great that you found closure after this event. Hopefully you will truly believe and remember your feelings are important too. There is a certain amount of guilt for me when I get upset because our children are 'invading' our time, but letting your husband know your feelings is never a bad thing!

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    1. Willie
      Wow I can't believe I didn't respond sooner. As bad as this one was, I was glad for it. Unfortunately, I don't think it's the end of bruises, I've had a few since. LOL I will eventually learn to deal with my frustrations in a healthier manner - until then, I know he knows the cure.

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  2. I just noticed the name of your URL - cute!

    I'm so there with the inability to let something drop. Really, my best moments of ttwd is when my husband has forced me to let something go.

    Glad you and Fonzie are making your way.

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    1. Thanks. When he picked the name Fonzi for chat, the blog title just made sense.

      I have a love/hate relationship with him making me let things go. I love that he can but I hate not being able to sit afterwards.

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  3. I'm new to your blog and I can totally relate to this. I was spanked once so hard I walked funny and couldn't sleep on my back. I am also emotional and can see myself in this situation perfectly. I get in a mood and it's very difficult to pull myself out. This just happened to my last Sunday and I wrote about it and definitely got spanked over it. It was the first time he really felt courageous enough for attitude and I'm so glad he did.

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    1. ZekesBestGirl
      Thanks for stopping by. I'm happy to know someone sees herself in my shoes. I know in the beginning for me, it was the stories of others that made me feel more myself than anything else. Made me a part of something bigger and not feeling so alone. I'm glad I did for you what others did for me. Enjoy the journey.

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