Thursday, July 31, 2014

In a funk

Ever had that one thing happen that immediately ruins your day?  How about your whole outlook on life itself?  It's a big deal but really only in my head. Everyone is telling me how it'll all work out just fine. Blah blah blah. The life goes on speech.  Problem is, I don't want to hear about life's not fair and it'll get better. I want to pout about it for a time. I should be able to pout about it.  I should be able to be mad and upset.

I should be able to do that so long as I stay within my boundaries. I am able to be whatever I need to be. I'm just not able to do it within my boundaries. Unfortunately, they are restrictive in that regard. They are supposed to be. The guidelines we've set forth are for us. To keep us focused on the big prize - a happy harmonious peaceful marriage. 

I'm almost over it.  I'm starting to feel better about the world and being a part of it again. I also feel really guilty about all those things I did in my (for lack of better word) tantrum.  I confessed. To all of it. 

What I really wanted was for Fonzi to be my rock. My safe place. Even though he was partly to blame for my unhappiness, he stood firm never yielding to my emotional state. Steering us ever so quietly through the storm. We've reached the harbor and I think the the boat will be in for some repairs. 

I'm slowly learning to control my temper.  Following the rules when I'm mad is a huge hurdle I have yet to clear. There is a lot of work to do on this path and we are still moving forward.  I'm a work in progress and I'm not done learning yet. 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The rainbow

I wasn't going to write about this as I've discussed it a thousand times but I realize that this blog serves as my reminder to not do these things again. A sort of diary of the stupid things that get me in trouble. Really there should be a thousand entries already in our 4 month journey but even I can't figure out why I do some of the things I do. 

So this day started out like any other. Making plans for a Saturday together. We decided to go shopping and to lunch.  I was already starving. Never good as my mood swings are easier to trigger when I'm hungry or tired.   Well plans change as plans do when other people get involved. Now instead of the two of us, it's now us and both girls. No longer lunch where I suggested and had my sights set on but wherever the mood takes us when we get where we are going. (Do you see this starting to unravel). No longer shopping where I wanted to go bet where the others wanted to go. No more about us as a couple, now it's us as parents. 

We hit store #1 and as I am looking around I noticed I was alone. They had gone another direction and not one of them bothered to tell me. (Did I mention I was hungry and prone to irrational moments?). Strike one!  Another smart mouth rude comment from a kid and I was over the edge. I thought I had it under control. I didn't yell or argue just got quiet and sullen. What I didn't do was clue him in as what was wrong. I really did try to get past it myself. I didn't want to ruin his time because of my hurt feelings. It was probably just hunger and I would feel better after we ate.  Right?  Well not so much. I had already decided what I wanted to eat and we didn't go there so at this point it really didn't matter to me.  Just pick something. I'll be fine. 

So apparently the quiet sullen wife who was saying anything was getting on his radar of trouble. (There should b audible warning systems in place). When I told him "it doesn't matter" I pushed the fire all weapons button and sent the day into a downward spiral I couldn't recover from.  He quit talkin to me, wouldn't look at me and his responses were short or "it doesn't matter". Yep doom was into future. 

We were never alone, I couldn't fix it at this point as I didn't know how. I knew I wanted it over but now he was upset and  it would blow up eventually.  I'd ruined the afternoon because I couldn't just drop it sooner. 

A few hours after being home, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He asked what happened and I told him I let something the kid said get to me. He grabbed my hand again and led me to the kid. He sat us both down and told us how he needed us to get over it. (Love this side of him). He held us both accountable for what had happened. 

Once that was settled and we were alone in the house the real trouble began. I was led back to the bedroom. He said let's gets this over with so hopefully I can put it past us. He was still really upset and I knew it would be more severe than normal severe. I don't remember all the details of the actual spanking. There was no warm up, it hurt, I wiggled a lot. Couldn't stay in position to save my life (which I thought it might at some point). He threw down the impliments and walked away not releasing me. Just left. I laid there crying, not from the punishment but from the abandonment. I cried because I'd hurt him so deeply and I couldn't even be still long enough to end it for both of us. When he came back, it started again. He was calmer but still mad. I still wiggled but did my best. 
Finally I was over. A hug, a kiss - forgiveness. 

I never thought it was pilots subtle to be spanked until you couldn't sit down. I'd never been there.  Having now been there, I'm trying every thing NOT to go back. I spent a few hours on my tummy, slept on my tummy and wished for relief. 

The morning brought a rainbow of colors all across my bottom. I think I saw every color in a crayon box. I would not be comfortable again for a long time. I was ok with that. It's like a badge if forgiveness. I know at one time he wouldn't have cared to make us right. It would have eaten away at us for weeks or months. I know because he did take care of it that he loves me. He wants us to still be us. We are still ok. 

I learned to speak up. What I want does matter. I might not get it all the time and I'm learning to deal with that too. I do matter to him. My thoughts and feelings are as important now as they ever were. Only now, I know he hears me. He wants to hear me, wants to make me happy and keep me safe. 

It's not an easy path we are on and really no marriage ever should be. One the path is easy, it's boring and easy to push aside. I like the rocky path, it keeps us trying. I'm still learning everyday in this journey & I'm still so glad he's there beside me. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

My Husband/Best Friend/HoH

Four months ago I brought a completely new dynamic to our marriage.  I asked him to research Domestic Discipline.  I thought it could help fix some of the problems we had.  I thought it was an out of the box solution in a otherwise hopeless existence.  I was there.  Ready to leave before he left me.  I was ready to throw away 20 years with my best friend.  He wasn't there for me and I really did think he ever could be again.  I'm glad I was wrong.

Upon being given this opportunity to research and change the way we do things, he leaped right in.  He started doing his own research online and with me.  Asking challenging questions I really had to think to answer.  He was involved for the first time in over 10 years.  He was talking to me, it was a start.
I explained the whys:  why I thought it would help, why I wanted it, why I wanted us.  He was game.  It took him 4 days.  I'm lucky as not everyone has a partner who jumps right in and decides to do this.
I got one last "are you sure" as there is not going back speech.  

He gone in 4 months from "I could never hurt you" to "it's supposed to hurt".  From "I could never use that" to "that could work".  And my all time favorite:  I could never mix business with pleasure.  (still working on that but it's coming along).

He's amazing.  He's taken the lead, taken back all the control I so longed to be relieved of and no longer holds on to the frustration that I can cause. He allows me to be me while still keeping a firm grasp on us.  He has stopped letting me be THAT person.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I am thankful for him.  I am in love with my best friend again.  I'm sure he is in love with me again.  He tells me all the time.

We have our problems, it's not been a bed of roses.  We don't communicate as much as we should.  I still tend to bottle things up until I just can't hold it in anymore.  He doesn't talk unless prompted.  I find that extremely frustrating.  That feeling like if I don't start a conversation, there won't be one.  I often just sit and wait for him to want to talk to me about anything but he often doesn't.  

I've re-read the blog entries and realize that from where we started to where we are in just 4 months has been a long long journey. I was so naive then as to what a punishment truly was.  I guess at the time, I never imagined they could be so much worse.  I also never imagined that I would feel so much in such a short time.  I think I've lived every emotion there is more than once.  I still feel totally vulnerable and needy most of the time.  

It feels like we've been on this journey forever but also that it's just started.  As long as we are still learning, we will continue.  It's our journey and I'm glad I'm on it with my best friend.