Thursday, April 30, 2015

Are we done?

I'm not sure yet where I'm going with this post. I feel I'm at a crossroad of sorts. I find myself not understanding my own feelings, my own desires, wants and needs. I'm so conflicted all the time. I want this, yet I struggle to obtain it. Is it out of habit? Is it something different completely?  Does my heart not understand my mind or is my mind unwilling to yield to my heart. Do I not understand exactly what I really want or need?

I'll start with what I know (could be a short list)

I need the discipline
I need the structure
I crave the dominance 
I need the peace and harmony  
I'm better with these things

What I don't know
Everything else

Why do I want him to understand that when he's in control, I'm better- more relaxed, centered, calm. Why can't I explain this in a way that he gets it. Why don't I understand he doesn't get it. I'm left confused lonely & out of sorts. Even the brat is so lost she has been unheard of lately. I'm beyond that. I'm so far past breaking a rule to get attention. Now I just don't follow the rules and don't care if he notices. I've almost given up. 

I know he loves me. I know I should hold tight to what I want and need. He will come around. I have to do my part. Be a martyr for my cause because that is what will get me past this lull. I've heard the advice. Hell I've given it. Right now it's a distant thunder in my ears. I hear it but it's not reaching the inner most places of my heart because my mind is in constant over drive. I need to quiet the voices in my head. I need to still the waters again so I can swim to safety. 

My life boat hasn't said much to me. Hasn't noticed I'm in distress. Hasn't turned back around to pluck me from the depths of the ocean. Maybe my life boat is sinking too. Am I too caught up in my own storm to see that? Is it possible that he is in his own storm?  Am I so selfish I don't see his fears & desires?   My mind says yes, you're selfish. My mind says he can't do this and all you're doing is pushing him away again. Let it go. 

I know I don't want to be the angry bitter woman I was before. I want to be happy. Even a selfish brat deserves a little bit of happiness. 

I'm still learning   I hope to continue to learn. I hope he is willing to lead me and love me through the storm!

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Devastated no more!

I've stayed away from my blog out of fear. Not that I didn't want or need to say stuff, I couldn't. I had told myself that I could be hurt again if I posted, if I let myself open up to that raw emotion again, my little blog world could crumble and my self confidence would crumble with it.
Ok well, I'm done being afraid. I need this place to figure out my feelings and emotions, so no more fear of someone knocking down my castle of solitude. This is my place after all, and if you don't like it, well move on. (Seriously, I hope you like it tho. And want to stick around. I'm not really that tough)

So here's my newest ramble

Since my last post, we celebrated our first year of DD and our 21st wedding anniversary. 
The DD has had its ups and downs, which I've come to find normal in this lifestyle. The marriage (which no one said would survive) has been steady and rock solid lately. No more doubts that he is leaving, no more fear (that word again) I will be old and alone. We are good!!

On the DD front, we have been on the on/off again path. No big secret there. I've noticed where I'm changing and it's good. I'm not quick to anger or brat. I'm comfortable letting him lead and being in control. 

The other day I did something I didn't think was a big deal (or didn't do)  It's a small rule, something just between us.  He asked why I hadn't followed through on it & my only response was that I simply had not made the time.  He didn't say much.  I resumed my morning.  He sat up in the bed and grabbed one of his favorite implement (the evil paint stick to be exact - not the oar). When I asked what this was for, he looked sad.  He told me he was disappointed in me. He said when I don't follow through with the little things we agreed to, it's like I didn't find the time for him.
Wow!  I wasn't expecting that response.  I'm glad he did it.  He is finally taking care of disruptions of our balance when they occur.  I found peace after that.  There was no time for cuddling but I was safe and secure in the knowledge that he cared for me, for us.  I'm happy.  We are happy. I am truly remorseful that I disappointed him in that way.  I will be more careful in letting the little things slide.

We are good.  Learning to take the journey together.  Ready to let him lead.  

I'm done being afraid of everything.  I'm done letting people control who I am or who I want to be.  With one exception.  My self confidence is growing again.  I'm safe.  I know he will protect me.  My doubts are fading, my fears diminished.   I'm back.  You have been warned.  LOL