Thursday, August 27, 2015

I cried

I cried when you left today
Saddened by my loss
I thought you'd want to talk to me
But apparently I was wrong
You find the time for other things
But not the time for me
I'm scared you're not as into us
I should just let it be

I count the minutes hours we're apart
The time it takes to see you
The moments in my heart

I need you right beside me
Fighting all the way
To make us strong and happy
Laughing through the day

I cried today you left me
Alone and all unsure
I know that you'll come back to me
But the world is all a blur

I found this on my phone today. I wrote it several weeks ago when we were at such a low point. Honestly he quit talking to. He said he didn't have anything to say.   I was lost and confused.   He had gone to work that day without kissing me or saying goodbye.   I cried for hours. 

Part of the problem was me. I had to much pride to tell him what was wrong with me. I was breaking all the rules, I was withdrawn and disrespectful.   I couldn't tell him what I really needed was him. I needed him to talk to me, to want me again. I was hating that his job was coming in between us. I was feeling slighted when he didn't have time for me. It seemed, to me at least, he had time for everyone else.  I couldn't talk to him and when I did, I was a blubbering ball of disrespect. 

We took off that weekend. One day retreat, just us.  We went away. Had an adventure. I tried desperately to get him to open up to me.  I wanted him to start a conversation. To tell me what was wrong.   He never did. Not like I wanted but I realized something. What I wanted wasn't what he could give.   I had to change my perspective.   I started talking. I told him all the things that were bothering me. I told him how I felt. I didn't point fingers, didn't assign blame. Just talked. He listened. He's great at listening. Sometimes I don't even really think he's paying attention, but he's listening. 
It took a long time but he finally began to respond. He let me know some of the things that were bothering him.   We came to an agreement of sorts.   I need to calmly rationally tell him how I feel and he needs to not shut down on me.   

I know now it's ok to communicate my feelings. Even though I start a conversation, it doesn't mean I'm leading. It means only that I had something to say before it became a problem.  It's not a perfect solution but I know he cares.   

That night forgiveness was given. There was peace again and contentment where it had been missing for so long. I've since been able to let him know when I was feeling off.  For me to notice and let him know without being a complete brat, that's progress. Slow and steady, we will continue on the journey that is TTWD. 

I'm still learning and growing. What else can we ask for?

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Fixing me

So I've been off a lot more lately than usual. I've spent an extraordinarily long time trying to figure out why I keep ending right back where I started.  The circle is never ending. I think I get it all figured out but then life comes along and shows me I really didn't figure anything out. Each time I learn something new but I haven't solved anything.  So while I'm lost, I know I'm not going too far. 

After a year and a half I thought I would have mastered this lifestyle but instead I'm just as in need of fixing as I was when I started. Biggest difference is I know now that he can't fix me. Oh sure he can prod me in the right direction and help me see what it is I want but he can't fix me.  I'm better than I was. I know now when I need special attention. I still can't ask for it, but I recognize when I need the reset. I'm learning what my triggers are. Slowly but surely, he's learning what my triggers are. Stress and chaos are still the biggest triggers and figuring out how to slow those down before they explode is in itself a ball of stress and chaos. (Back to those circles)  

Lately we've been in an on and off again DD lifestyle. The off cycle isn't nearly as off as it used to be and the on is amazing. When it's on, it's not forced anymore. It just kind of happens and it's perfect. 

In a nutshell, we are still learning. We will never know it all. All we can do is figure it out together. 

In the rest of my world, things and people still make me wonder about the things I say.  Again I say this, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am who I am. If you don't like me, that's ok but you have no reason to be aggressive towards me. I have fun and enjoy a warped sense of humor. I find things funny where most find it serious. That's me. Love me, like me or leave me alone.