Sunday, August 23, 2015

Fixing me

So I've been off a lot more lately than usual. I've spent an extraordinarily long time trying to figure out why I keep ending right back where I started.  The circle is never ending. I think I get it all figured out but then life comes along and shows me I really didn't figure anything out. Each time I learn something new but I haven't solved anything.  So while I'm lost, I know I'm not going too far. 

After a year and a half I thought I would have mastered this lifestyle but instead I'm just as in need of fixing as I was when I started. Biggest difference is I know now that he can't fix me. Oh sure he can prod me in the right direction and help me see what it is I want but he can't fix me.  I'm better than I was. I know now when I need special attention. I still can't ask for it, but I recognize when I need the reset. I'm learning what my triggers are. Slowly but surely, he's learning what my triggers are. Stress and chaos are still the biggest triggers and figuring out how to slow those down before they explode is in itself a ball of stress and chaos. (Back to those circles)  

Lately we've been in an on and off again DD lifestyle. The off cycle isn't nearly as off as it used to be and the on is amazing. When it's on, it's not forced anymore. It just kind of happens and it's perfect. 

In a nutshell, we are still learning. We will never know it all. All we can do is figure it out together. 

In the rest of my world, things and people still make me wonder about the things I say.  Again I say this, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am who I am. If you don't like me, that's ok but you have no reason to be aggressive towards me. I have fun and enjoy a warped sense of humor. I find things funny where most find it serious. That's me. Love me, like me or leave me alone. 



  1. Question with the 'fix' me part, does Fonzi now realize that you don't need him to 'fix you"? Does he know that you now realize this for yourself? Perhaps, and only perhaps because maybe he is unsure as to why he starts and stops too, he stops because he feel overwhelmed at times that he isn't fixing you? Or the both of you?.

    As for having this entire thing figured out a year and a half into it....I know multiple couples, who currently or never did blog who will tell you, very few people have it 'figured' out. Life is too organic to stay in an area where things are 'figured out' for long. The difference might be that it appears they stay in the 'stride' for a longer time, with more experience, but honestly we all have our issues. Still waters run deep.

    You know the saying you keep repeating the mistake until you have learned from it. It took me a long while, and I still don't profess to have 'gotten' it, to realize that even though I learned something from the 'mistake' it might not be the something I needed to to ultimately go beyond that mistake. More recently I have learned that Barney's 'issues' ( oh I've known he has hand hang ups just like every human) can contribute to what seems like my mistakes too. You know that physics thing? Every action has a reaction?

    I wish there were some simple answer to get on track and stay there. The only thing WE have found most useful ( and I am not going to say communication although I suppose it could be considered that too) is more soul searching. Not because one or the other is 'flawed' but why? Why do I react this way? Why are my triggers my triggers? Why does he react or not? I have also come to realize in my/our case, that the 'loudest' voice in the room, may seem like the logical 'trigger' reason, but 9 times out of 10 it isn't. I had to go deeper.

    As hokey as it sounds I have read countless books on surrendering, ( and not in the D/s D/d lifestyle). Most have been very insightful~ and at the very least they have given us additional talking points. Most recently I read about a 3 minute meditation. I was never a person to think about that in the past, but now when I feel my heart that is located strangely outside of my chest too, feels like it is going to be burned, I focus on me. I meditate for a few moments to clear my head and heart of clouded emotions and ask for clarity ( meh to whom? I have no clue). Placebo or not, it has been working. The emotions in the situation take a back seat and generally I feel better.

    Of course all or none of these things may or may not apply in your house, but these are things we have discovered ~ more as of late.

    I'd like to say, 'you'll get there' but in all honesty, I don't believe there is a "THERE". Here is hoping your comfort zone, for BOTH of you arrives soon.

    much love willie

    1. Well I still need constant maintenance (like a car does). I don't think my flaws will ever totally be fixed but with the right help, I can overcome most of them. Oh, and I do know there is no master class for TTWD and by the time I figure this part out another will come along over and over. Moving forward is my/our only option.

  2. I don't think any of us "master" this lifestyle, I know you know this. We all change or evolve over time, for Lee & myself we are ever changing LOL! We are both learning as I hope we do for a very long time. I do understand the being on & off again. More "on" than off, it still can drive me crazy sometimes just not as nearly as it used to. I love your sense of humor and I do love you!

    1. Thank you sweetie. I do like being "on" over off and if I could bottle that up and sell it, I'd be rich. Thanks for understanding my crude sense of humor, I can be so funny sometimes. I crack myself up. Love you too.