Thursday, August 27, 2015

I cried

I cried when you left today
Saddened by my loss
I thought you'd want to talk to me
But apparently I was wrong
You find the time for other things
But not the time for me
I'm scared you're not as into us
I should just let it be

I count the minutes hours we're apart
The time it takes to see you
The moments in my heart

I need you right beside me
Fighting all the way
To make us strong and happy
Laughing through the day

I cried today you left me
Alone and all unsure
I know that you'll come back to me
But the world is all a blur

I found this on my phone today. I wrote it several weeks ago when we were at such a low point. Honestly he quit talking to. He said he didn't have anything to say.   I was lost and confused.   He had gone to work that day without kissing me or saying goodbye.   I cried for hours. 

Part of the problem was me. I had to much pride to tell him what was wrong with me. I was breaking all the rules, I was withdrawn and disrespectful.   I couldn't tell him what I really needed was him. I needed him to talk to me, to want me again. I was hating that his job was coming in between us. I was feeling slighted when he didn't have time for me. It seemed, to me at least, he had time for everyone else.  I couldn't talk to him and when I did, I was a blubbering ball of disrespect. 

We took off that weekend. One day retreat, just us.  We went away. Had an adventure. I tried desperately to get him to open up to me.  I wanted him to start a conversation. To tell me what was wrong.   He never did. Not like I wanted but I realized something. What I wanted wasn't what he could give.   I had to change my perspective.   I started talking. I told him all the things that were bothering me. I told him how I felt. I didn't point fingers, didn't assign blame. Just talked. He listened. He's great at listening. Sometimes I don't even really think he's paying attention, but he's listening. 
It took a long time but he finally began to respond. He let me know some of the things that were bothering him.   We came to an agreement of sorts.   I need to calmly rationally tell him how I feel and he needs to not shut down on me.   

I know now it's ok to communicate my feelings. Even though I start a conversation, it doesn't mean I'm leading. It means only that I had something to say before it became a problem.  It's not a perfect solution but I know he cares.   

That night forgiveness was given. There was peace again and contentment where it had been missing for so long. I've since been able to let him know when I was feeling off.  For me to notice and let him know without being a complete brat, that's progress. Slow and steady, we will continue on the journey that is TTWD. 

I'm still learning and growing. What else can we ask for?


  1. Erika,
    We don't always see eye to eye, and that's ok :)
    But, I care very much for each person I know in this community.
    So, when I started reading the beginning of this post it was like there was ice in my veins and thought "Oh no... no no... this isn't happening"

    Then when I read "I tried desperately to get him to open up to me. I wanted him to start a conversation...." Again I thought why do so many people do that. Each should feel that if there's something to say, just open up and share their feelings without waiting for the other person first. Each should feel they should, be or can be, the first.
    Then as I continued to read I was relieved to see you had already come to that conclusion and as the post continued I was more and more relieved.

    Each bump in the road or pot-hole can be smoothed over or filled in with time, patience and of course... Communication.

    Again, I am sooooo relieved this post had a happy ending :)
    ~ MrBB

    1. Thanks for the kind words. It's not always easy living inside my head but I'm learning slowly that no one else will ever understand unless I tell them.

  2. I wasn't going to comment as we have talked about this at length, however I'd like to congratulate you for opening up here. I know all about those feelings you described that you found on your phone. I think many of us do, although I will say there are times after that I am happy he walked out the door, so I could breathe and just forget for a bit.

    As you know I also understand the part where you were afraid to bring up the conversation. NOT necessarily because you didn't want Fonzi to think you were in control, but because YOU had to let go of that fear. It is such a difficult thing as a submissive to understand all the nuances that go along with control~ especially how YOU feel about it.

    It has been my experience, and I hope it is yours in the not so distant future, that eventually all of my starting the conversation firsts, led to Barney starting to open up and 'see' things too. NOT all the time, but he is so much better.

    Keep plugging away as you always do Erika!


    1. Well you know I can be a bit stubborn sometimes. I can't always talk myself out of that destructive place and that leads to many of these very low points. I'm getting better at recognizing when I'm there and that's the start. Best I can do right now. Thanks for being a great friend when I'm there.

  3. Hi Erika,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear what you are (were) going through, but feeling very much in the same boat right now, you've given me hope that if I open up to Eric, I might be able to hold onto our relationship a little while longer. Best of luck to you. Amy

  4. Thanks for commenting. I've told a few people with not so talkative HoHs that they have to lose all distractions and pour out your heart and soul to him until he hears you. It's not easy and I've done it more than once. Don't give up. It's just as easy for them to lose their way as it is for us to lose ours