Saturday, February 7, 2015


I've never really posted about my world outside of my relationship with Fonzi and our journey with DD, but this is my place to wite what is on my mind and try to work through my feelings. So here goes, raw emotions to follow.

It's no secret I have found a community, a family, a place online where I have felt safe to share my views, my life, my deepest dartpkest secrets and fears.  A place where I could just be me and people accepted it. A place where I could share advice and ideas for everything from cooking to this journey we are on.  I was happy here chatting with friends, making new friends and just being me. What I didn't realize was just how much happy I had wrapped up in that world. How intertwined reality and virtual had become. 

I am who I am, I base my advice on where I am emotionally, physically and pure heartfelt experience. I've never been blindsided like this before. I do not wear a bullet proof vest when I chat, I'm not protected. I am extremely cautious but I wear my heart on my sleeve unguarded, always have. I feel that's a part of me I wanted to share with others and I give more of me than anyone really knows. Everything I've ever done has had someone else's well being ahead of my own. However, I've been injured deep inside my core and I'm not sure I'll be the same. I never saw this threat coming. I didn't have time to prepare. Now I'm devastated and don't know I want to go back. My happy place will be will with doubt and hurt. I'm hurt. I didn't mean to cause anyone any damage. My words of advice come from my own experience. Good, bad or ugly. It was not my intention to do any perceived harm. I don't think I did. I feel still, even after all this, my opinion is mine to share. You do not have to agree, I am not perfect. Never claimed I was. 

I won't give many details, that's not why I'm writing this. My advice and intent was questioned. I feel personally attacked and right now as I type this, I do not want to go back to that place.  I want to withdrawal from everything and find my center again.   I've made great friends who are supporting me like I never thought anyone would. I know I'm loved. This is kinda like being in one of those comas where you know what's going on but you just can't make yourself wake up and be involved.   Don't count me out just yet, but currently I've pretty much lost the will to survive in my happy safe world. I need to see if I can be myself without it.