It's been a long time since my last post and a lot of life has been happening. While we welcomed a new grand baby (yes grand & he's perfect but I'm still not old enough), we also had to say our good-byes to my father. That was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It was also a catalyst for a host of unrealistic expectations I placed on Fonzi.
I expected him to hold me together, keep me from feeling the pain that I was feeling. I expected him to stay as strong as a rock not giving a second to think maybe he was grieving too. I became all about me and my needs. I needed everyone to treat me the same. To act like nothing happened but they couldn't. What changed me changed them as well. I never expected anyone else to hurt the way I hurt. Never believed they could. I was wrong. My pain caused them pain over and over again. Through it all, I expected him to "fix-it". Fix me, I was broken again. The problem was I never told him these were my expectations. I never shared any of it, how could he know? He didn't. I lashed out for stuff he had no idea even existed. I was unfair.
I had felt broken for a long time. It's better now. Not really easier just different. In my revelation, I realize this was not my only expectation I haven't told him. He has me write in a journal and while it's helpful for both of us, only I expect some sort of comment. Some reassurance that I've done the task to his approval, maybe an insight as to why he wanted me to journal on that topic but for him, just knowing I did it is enough.
So today I realized how unfair this can all be. I'm committed to meeting his expectations and when I fall short, there are consequences and I gladly (ok slight exaggeration) atone for my failings. Today's struggle is dealing with him failing my expectations. Whether real or unreal, the struggle is there. I'm committing myself to tell him my expectations of him and from there we will see if it gets better or worse. What I know and have learned is that I can't keep getting g upset and acting out because he's not meeting them.
The journey isn't over and we are still learning. One foot forward and maybe the ability to switch on a light or two.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote. I guess I'm not really surprised but it doesn't feel like it's been this long. Part of me has felt like I should only write about the happy fluffy stuff. The "he's been on his game and spanking me for every infraction" kind of stuff. But life isn't like that. We've been through a lot in the last few months. Family changes and lots of stress running rampant around here.
We've had strokes & babies, school started, and we are trying to move. Finding a few minutes to ourselves has been difficult.
What I can say is through it all, he hasn't let us down. He has been keeping us moving forward, keeping us planted firmly on our journey.
He gifted me with a surprise trip to visit some friends. It was an amazing weekend. Long road trip. Surprise guests. I couldn't have asked for more. I can't believe my friends kept the secret. It's always great when we get together and we don't do it often enough.
I managed to stay out of trouble the whole weekend until the last day. I just woke up in a bad mood. No reason that I can think of & ive even tried to figure it out. NOTHING. Then I wanted him to fix me and make it go away. He didn't and I think that just made me even madder. I realized eventually that I had no reason for my attitude and apologized. The apology didn't get me out of trouble but I felt better doing it. It wasn't his responsibility to fix me, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. All mine.
Since then, we've rolled along. Still learning lessons, still growing. Maybe my next post will be longer.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
I've been asked enough times about the break over the last few weeks, I guess it's time for an update.
The break he needed was short lived. Much like the several times that I quit. He needed time to not think about what we were doing or why we were doing it. I think he needed time to just process all the stuff we'd been through. I'm not sure tho. He is a very quiet person. He keeps his feelings to himself and rarely lets anyone have a glimpse of what's inside. So as much as he needed a break, and as much as those words broke me to my core, it wasn't really a break after all.
A day or two after his announcement, he informed me that the break was over. I barely had time to wrap my head around the event and it was over. I'm not complaining, I was a wreck. I can't even begin to count the rules or expectations I gave up on. Would be a way shorter list of ones I didn't break.
So over the past few weeks, we've had a few reconnection, reset spankings and several other more serious spankings. His mindset on his role in our journey is right on target of where I always wanted us to be. My role and mindset is a daily work in progress.
What I learned from this? I can't force him to want this. He needed to come to the conclusion on his own. It has taken several tries over these last 2 years and there may be more times yet to come. I think he realized we are better on the journey than we are off. I learned I want to be submissive. In some form, I want to give myself to him. It may be as simple as fixing his favorite dinner and bringing him his plate, or even giving up the last piece of pie (ok maybe not the pie) but you get my point. For me, I figured out that me being submissive isn't all about the rules and expectations, it also lies within all the little things I do everyday anyway just because I want to. When I took those things away out of anger & spite, I was unhappy. Even more so than just being on break.
This isn't a long post but I needed to write it. We are better. Everyday is an adventure on this journey and life keeps tossing in bad weather and boulders along the way. I am sure life isn't done with is yet but everyday we are learning new ways to deal with it.
The point is we are still learning. After two years, we are no closer to having a perfect relationship than when we started. I know, there are none, it's not possible but somehow I know there is still better to become. Together we will get better and our children & grandchildren will see a happy couple still in love after 22 years.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Update: The rest of the story was posted. I hope you like it!
Most of you know, if you've read here for awhile, that I wrote a story. It's called The Sherriff and I finally decided what the hell and posted a short bit of it. If everyone wants to read the rest, I'll post it. This is just to see if anyone actually likes it.
Click on the tab next to the home button - the title of the page is the story.
Thanks for reading the blog and if you choose, the stories as well.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
"A break". The two most devastating words in my life right now.
After almost two years of DD, I'm not sure how to be anything else. I'm not sure I want to. The place we were before was so sad and lonely. I was angry all the time. I was pushing everyone I loved away from me. I was depressed. I wasn't loveable.
So he's not sure he wants DD anymore. What it feels like is he isn't accepting of me or who I am. I know his decision isn't about me, it's about him and where his mind is. I'm trying to accept that but it's hard. I've told him many times how I feel and why this is important to me and he doesn't respond. He doesn't share what he wants or what he feels. I never know. I'm shut out right now.
I don't want to be his roommate. I don't want to go back to the way it was before. The me before! I'm so confused. So lost.
When did we take this detour? Who set up this road block? How & when do we find the road back to happy and content?
Friday, February 19, 2016
I've been thinking about why I want to be submissive to him, only him. The more I think about it, and read different definitions of it, I realize I'm not as submissive as I want to be. I can't break through the tough independent woman I have been forever without feeling guilty.
I drive everywhere. Literally and figuratively. I drive to get where I'm going, to get people where they need to go, errands and whatever. I also drive me. I drive myself to control the chaos in my life. I try to make everyone else happy and in doing so I've given all of me to everyone else for as long as I can remember. I've always been the grown up one, more mature, more common sense, more smarts than the others. People come to me for advice and often I have some good stuff. The advice I give them, I can't give myself. I wish I could. I take care of everyone, it's time to take care of me. For this, I'm called selfish.
I don't need to rely on anyone. I can do this all myself. I have done it all myself. I've been driving in my world and I've finally run out of gas. I want to give my submission so that I can please only one person, instead of everyone. So he can help me control who gets my time and attention. So he can help me drive.
I don't think it's selfish to not want to drive anymore. Yet I feel guilty that I want to be driven instead. I want to sit back and relax on the journey instead of worrying about how or when we will get there.
I'm better since starting this adventure but I still need and want more. It's not a secret to myself or him that my submission requires his dominance. Here's the major guilty part. I feel like I'm asking for someone he isn't wanting to give. I don't think he wants to drive. I don't know if he's ready to continue on our adventure. He's not consistent in enforcing the rules. I'm definately not very submissive in following them. How can either of us succeed in our roles? Why would either of us want to?
I don't have any answers. I know I'm tired of driving but if I don't drive, I get nowhere. I know I can't sit in the car waiting for someone to turn on the music or take the car out of park. I'm lost and I don't know how to get back on track.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
A couple weeks ago I cried for no reason during a seemingly normal event. I didn't want it to ruin our future but it did. I never blamed him for what happened but somewhere along the way I guess he blamed himself. I still don't know what caused it, I guess even after 2 weeks we will never know what it really was. It just was. I tried to move past it, I did move beyond it with the help of my friends. Unfortunately, he was frozen in that space of fear and the unknown.
I'm often told (because I'm hard headed and don't listen) that in order for him to lead, I need to give him a reason to. In my defense, let me say I needed to get past this issue. Needed the closure, needed him to, well, lead. I was so lost in my needs that I never fully understood his. He wasn't talking,meant leading, wasn't anything. He avoided me for days, ignored my blatant attempts to find trouble, basically shut down and quit operating.
The more he retreated into his shell, the more I found myself lost. It's a jungle out there and I no longer had a map. So I did what any self respecting brat would do - I quit! I gave up.
I couldn't continue the mascarade of wanting a lifestyle he was incapable of giving me. I put everything away. Out fm sight, out f mind. I refused to speak of DD, refused to follow the rules (not that I was following them anyway). If DD was coming back, it would be his decision. I wouldn't push, I wouldn't explain why I was right (I'm always right - right?) about this lifestyle being right for us. I quit!
I was stressed from the holiday. Too much happening all at once. I didn't need the chaos but there it was all around. I was over whelmed, lost and out f control. I had spiraled so far down there was no up anymore. Once I decided to push DD out of my life, quit being dependent on it, I realized I was unhappy again. Still, I quit.
Then yesterday, a text. I was told to have his dinner ready and be waiting for him when he got home. Which I did but still he didn't talk to me. Ate in silence, staring at his computer screen. By bedtime his tone changed and he was no longer lost and afraid.
He told me how he'd failed to lead & how I had also failed to submit. He set me in the corner to contemplate. He was putting us back on track. He never gave up, he just couldn't see the path. He asked me why I hid (put away) the implements. I told him I had quit, I couldn't continue to push this if he wasn't willing or able to continue. I wanted the next step to come from him and not having that stuff around wouldn't influence his decision. He understood but said I should have talked to him first.
So he spanked me. It wasn't horrible and honestly could have been worse. We reconnected and all the rules are being enforced and I'll be held accountable again. I'm encouraged and content. My quitting was short lived and all things DD related have been returned to their cabinet as instructed.
The journey isn't all easy and we learn from each event. It's not always the event we learn from. Sometimes it's the way we dealt with the event or each other. It's been 20 months on this road and we are still learning and growing. We still have a lot t learn but at least I know he's willing to learn and grow with me.