It's been a long time since my last post and a lot of life has been happening. While we welcomed a new grand baby (yes grand & he's perfect but I'm still not old enough), we also had to say our good-byes to my father. That was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It was also a catalyst for a host of unrealistic expectations I placed on Fonzi.
I expected him to hold me together, keep me from feeling the pain that I was feeling. I expected him to stay as strong as a rock not giving a second to think maybe he was grieving too. I became all about me and my needs. I needed everyone to treat me the same. To act like nothing happened but they couldn't. What changed me changed them as well. I never expected anyone else to hurt the way I hurt. Never believed they could. I was wrong. My pain caused them pain over and over again. Through it all, I expected him to "fix-it". Fix me, I was broken again. The problem was I never told him these were my expectations. I never shared any of it, how could he know? He didn't. I lashed out for stuff he had no idea even existed. I was unfair.
I had felt broken for a long time. It's better now. Not really easier just different. In my revelation, I realize this was not my only expectation I haven't told him. He has me write in a journal and while it's helpful for both of us, only I expect some sort of comment. Some reassurance that I've done the task to his approval, maybe an insight as to why he wanted me to journal on that topic but for him, just knowing I did it is enough.
So today I realized how unfair this can all be. I'm committed to meeting his expectations and when I fall short, there are consequences and I gladly (ok slight exaggeration) atone for my failings. Today's struggle is dealing with him failing my expectations. Whether real or unreal, the struggle is there. I'm committing myself to tell him my expectations of him and from there we will see if it gets better or worse. What I know and have learned is that I can't keep getting g upset and acting out because he's not meeting them.
The journey isn't over and we are still learning. One foot forward and maybe the ability to switch on a light or two.