Friday, June 20, 2014


I've been on a roller coaster of highs and lows over the last few weeks. Not really knowing what I could write that would make me or anyone else feel better. So instead of grabbing the tablet and letting things flow, I've bottled up and started to become resentful. 

It's not that DD has taken a back seat or gone away completely, it's just the way we're doing it isn't as effective as it should or could be. I still stay in trouble and it's not consistency that's the problem. So what is?  Time!

I thought with the start of his new shift, he'd have time for me. Time to talk, time to laugh, time to just be us again. That's not the case. We do have time together but we don't talk to each other. We've been talking at each other for so long, we've slipped back into then habit. He doesn't see that I need more than just a "hi, how are you". I want full long conversations about everything and nothing. All we talk about is what kind of trouble I've caused for myself. What I did or didn't do. Why can't we talk about something silly and stupid. Everything is always serious, followed by well ......

He makes time for the kids, his family and everyone else. He makes sure to do what they need or want him to do and I'm pushed to the side waiting - again. I'm resentful of that. I know he's a great father, brother, friend, yes and husband but what about companion?  If we go out to dinner, I'm left trying to carry or start a conversation that he barely puts any effort into. Why bother?  I just get out my phone too. 

I don't know what I'm saying. Right now, I'm sitting here beside him and he's sleeping. Always sleeping. I feel alone.   Maybe this wasn't the place to vent but this is my safe place