It's not that DD has taken a back seat or gone away completely, it's just the way we're doing it isn't as effective as it should or could be. I still stay in trouble and it's not consistency that's the problem. So what is? Time!
I thought with the start of his new shift, he'd have time for me. Time to talk, time to laugh, time to just be us again. That's not the case. We do have time together but we don't talk to each other. We've been talking at each other for so long, we've slipped back into then habit. He doesn't see that I need more than just a "hi, how are you". I want full long conversations about everything and nothing. All we talk about is what kind of trouble I've caused for myself. What I did or didn't do. Why can't we talk about something silly and stupid. Everything is always serious, followed by well ......
He makes time for the kids, his family and everyone else. He makes sure to do what they need or want him to do and I'm pushed to the side waiting - again. I'm resentful of that. I know he's a great father, brother, friend, yes and husband but what about companion? If we go out to dinner, I'm left trying to carry or start a conversation that he barely puts any effort into. Why bother? I just get out my phone too.
I don't know what I'm saying. Right now, I'm sitting here beside him and he's sleeping. Always sleeping. I feel alone. Maybe this wasn't the place to vent but this is my safe place.
You can always vent here Erika. If we can't vent to our friends, where else would we vent?
ReplyDeleteYou probably already know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. Talk to Fonzi. Let him know how you're feeling. If you don't, this resentment is just going to build.
And if you're anything like me, that resentment is going to have you pushing buttons that should be left alone. When I look back on the times I got in trouble over pushing buttons, it's nearly always been because I was feeling neglected in some way. If I had just talked to Steve about how I was feeling, my bottom would have fared a lot better. Instead I kept getting spanked until it all spilled out.
I know I'm not in chat or blogging much these days, but I do try to check my email every day. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email.
Thanks for your kind words. I tend to bottle things up until I can't stand it anymore. This little episode fortunately did not last long. We talked, hugged it out (hahaha) and all is well. Sorry I didn't reply sooner. I just haven't been in blogland much lately.
DeleteI am so sorry, you know you can vent anytime, I do it enough for everyone. LOL. All kidding aside you know you need to talk to him and maybe you guys should have a rule no phones at dinner. I know how important it is for us to feel like we have their attention and they are focused on nothing but us at times. It will get better and back on track you do have to talk to him though.
ReplyDeletehoney
You know we talked. He still doesn't say much and sometimes I still don't feel I get his undivided attention, but it's better. Always moving forward!!
DeleteHi Erika, I actually didn't know you had a blog ( what can I say I am new to the whole other universe out there). I know I am REALLY late to this post, but I just recognized your name on Honey's blog.
ReplyDeleteI understand so much of what you have written here. It is so difficult when you feel you are pushed to the side. I used to think I was Wallpaper. Nice to look at, ( um for him), makes the house seem like a home, but just THERE. No longer seen. It is VERY hurtful and lonely. Barney was crushed when he found out I felt like that.
I don't feel it to the depths that I once did, but at times that feeling comes rushing back, far sooner than it used to. I think perhaps because I have gotten used to the closeness that ttwd brings. I really don't have any 'solutions' other than maybe sharing this post with him. I know how it can feel when it seems you are the only one putting yourself out there and they seem content coasting along.
I hope things have gotten better since you have written this post!
willie
thanks Wilma - things are way better since this post. It's a lot about me letting go of stuff and talking. I am still a work in progress.
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