Four months ago I brought a completely new dynamic to our marriage. I asked him to research Domestic Discipline. I thought it could help fix some of the problems we had. I thought it was an out of the box solution in a otherwise hopeless existence. I was there. Ready to leave before he left me. I was ready to throw away 20 years with my best friend. He wasn't there for me and I really did think he ever could be again. I'm glad I was wrong.
Upon being given this opportunity to research and change the way we do things, he leaped right in. He started doing his own research online and with me. Asking challenging questions I really had to think to answer. He was involved for the first time in over 10 years. He was talking to me, it was a start.
I explained the whys: why I thought it would help, why I wanted it, why I wanted us. He was game. It took him 4 days. I'm lucky as not everyone has a partner who jumps right in and decides to do this.
I got one last "are you sure" as there is not going back speech.
He gone in 4 months from "I could never hurt you" to "it's supposed to hurt". From "I could never use that" to "that could work". And my all time favorite: I could never mix business with pleasure. (still working on that but it's coming along).
He's amazing. He's taken the lead, taken back all the control I so longed to be relieved of and no longer holds on to the frustration that I can cause. He allows me to be me while still keeping a firm grasp on us. He has stopped letting me be THAT person. I don't want to be that person anymore. I am thankful for him. I am in love with my best friend again. I'm sure he is in love with me again. He tells me all the time.
We have our problems, it's not been a bed of roses. We don't communicate as much as we should. I still tend to bottle things up until I just can't hold it in anymore. He doesn't talk unless prompted. I find that extremely frustrating. That feeling like if I don't start a conversation, there won't be one. I often just sit and wait for him to want to talk to me about anything but he often doesn't.
I've re-read the blog entries and realize that from where we started to where we are in just 4 months has been a long long journey. I was so naive then as to what a punishment truly was. I guess at the time, I never imagined they could be so much worse. I also never imagined that I would feel so much in such a short time. I think I've lived every emotion there is more than once. I still feel totally vulnerable and needy most of the time.
It feels like we've been on this journey forever but also that it's just started. As long as we are still learning, we will continue. It's our journey and I'm glad I'm on it with my best friend.
I am so happy you guys are on this journey together!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being my shoulder to lean on when I've needed it. I could not be on this journey without the amazing friends I've made.
DeleteOkay 4th time's a charm right? LOL. I have decided to write this elsewhere and copy and paste it in case blogger eats it --AGAIN!
ReplyDeleteThis post is wonderful! Well the parts about you and Fonzi. As for the communication, I so understand. Even now almost 2 years later there are times when I sit in the same room as Barney and think, " Are you going to talk about the elephant in the room? Do you not KNOW there is an elephant in the room?". It is still difficult at times for me, although it does get easier, to swallow my pride, my hurt, and yes that huge ball of cotton that seems to have become lodged in my throat somehow to bring up the elephant in the room! I read a couple of things from 2 different books, both based on ttwd. The first came from a man. A 'professional' top. He said, women ARE the communicators in the world. It is YOUR strength. USE IT! The second came from a submissive woman in a M/s relationship. Basically she said, yes we are submissive, but we have equal responsibility to make our relationships thrive. If there is something that needs to be discussed it is just as much our responsibility as their's to bring it up. I know right? SUCKS! I will tell you though, when the wind is blowing in from the west, the stars are aligned and the gods are smiling down at us, Barney will now, sometimes, initiate the conversations! Oh happy days! It did take a very, very, VERY long time for this. BUT it is possible. And good news, Fonzi picked up on the physical stuff pretty quickly, so that is covered, maybe he will thrive on this sooner than Barney?
I found with Barney and myself that our communication morphed too. We went from the begining discussing nuts and bolts: what we needed; what we wanted/desired, to the emotions surrounding those needs;to the fear of exposing ourselves. It took Barney a long time to look inside of himself and see what made him tick. Often when we had conversations surrounding those sorts of things, I mostly asked him questions. " Do you think it could be....?". Basically with this communication stuff, you are creating and learning a new language. You have to figure our how to talk to him so he can actually 'hear' you. This may mean changing how you word things. And until he figures out how to reach you, you have to ask for clarification over and over again and not assume you understand what he is saying ( because man oh man, men really aren't the communicators! LOL).
Blah, Blah, Blah willie.....So happy for you though Erika that your dive into Dd is bringing you closer. The road ahead will be difficult but know that you are not unique in your struggles. You are not anymore difficult nor is Fonzi than many of us! And that we are here to listen and suggest. AND probably mess things up for you too! LOL
willie
Thanks Willie. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with a communication problem. After 20 years, you'd think I'd be used to it but you can never get used to silence. Some day maybe perhaps.
DeleteThe vulnerable needy thing is what I struggle with, as well. But lowering walls is intimacy, right? Sounds like you have a beautiful thing going!
ReplyDeleteThanks. When it's going right, it just feels so right!
DeleteGood for you guys. So many people throw in the towel when things get hard but you didn't. You took a risk and you both win. I'm sorry about the conversation thing. That must be hard and lonely at times. I hope that changes for you. Wishing you both blessings upon blessings.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It bothers me the most when it's just us at dinner or on a weekend. Most times I try to find someone to talk to.
DeleteErika, What a sweet post. I know what you mean about the communication - if you don't start a conversation there won't be one. But recognizing this is half the battle. I hope the next four months are even better!
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