Four months ago I brought a completely new dynamic to our marriage. I asked him to research Domestic Discipline. I thought it could help fix some of the problems we had. I thought it was an out of the box solution in a otherwise hopeless existence. I was there. Ready to leave before he left me. I was ready to throw away 20 years with my best friend. He wasn't there for me and I really did think he ever could be again. I'm glad I was wrong.
Upon being given this opportunity to research and change the way we do things, he leaped right in. He started doing his own research online and with me. Asking challenging questions I really had to think to answer. He was involved for the first time in over 10 years. He was talking to me, it was a start.
I explained the whys: why I thought it would help, why I wanted it, why I wanted us. He was game. It took him 4 days. I'm lucky as not everyone has a partner who jumps right in and decides to do this.
I got one last "are you sure" as there is not going back speech.
He gone in 4 months from "I could never hurt you" to "it's supposed to hurt". From "I could never use that" to "that could work". And my all time favorite: I could never mix business with pleasure. (still working on that but it's coming along).
He's amazing. He's taken the lead, taken back all the control I so longed to be relieved of and no longer holds on to the frustration that I can cause. He allows me to be me while still keeping a firm grasp on us. He has stopped letting me be THAT person. I don't want to be that person anymore. I am thankful for him. I am in love with my best friend again. I'm sure he is in love with me again. He tells me all the time.
We have our problems, it's not been a bed of roses. We don't communicate as much as we should. I still tend to bottle things up until I just can't hold it in anymore. He doesn't talk unless prompted. I find that extremely frustrating. That feeling like if I don't start a conversation, there won't be one. I often just sit and wait for him to want to talk to me about anything but he often doesn't.
I've re-read the blog entries and realize that from where we started to where we are in just 4 months has been a long long journey. I was so naive then as to what a punishment truly was. I guess at the time, I never imagined they could be so much worse. I also never imagined that I would feel so much in such a short time. I think I've lived every emotion there is more than once. I still feel totally vulnerable and needy most of the time.
It feels like we've been on this journey forever but also that it's just started. As long as we are still learning, we will continue. It's our journey and I'm glad I'm on it with my best friend.