Thursday, January 22, 2015

What do I get out of DD?

Ok so this post isn't about me.  I was asked to answer that question for Fonzi.  What did I think he should be getting out of this dynamic.  I pondered this for a while.  If he didn't know what he was getting, how am I suposed to tell him what I thouht he should get.  Well frankly, I'd not put much thought into it.  I just kinda thought he got what I got.  So here is how I answered his question.

I know you don't want the cookie cutter answers but I do think those are the best place to start.  You get peace & harmony in the household.  The better communication, a deeper connection, a better more meaningful cohesive us.  We get to be friends again, companions, lovers.   Things we've been missing for a long time.

You gt a way to deal with me.  To forgive an let go.  No more hiding behind anger or frustration.  You get to help me be better, for me & for us.  You get a wife who is at peace, content with the world instead of trying to control the chaos.  You get a happier, well adjusted (most of the time anyway) me. 

You get a cleaner house.  Though not perfect, it's better than a few years ago.

You get final say, for us, for me and for our family.

I hope you get peace and contentment.  I hope you've found love and friendship again.

So that was my answer.  It's not a great answer to his question and I still hope he finds out what he gets from DD without me telling him.  I love him and I want him to feel the same benefits I do.  Our path has not unwound itself yet and I think we may have made a few circles around the same tree, but I know the decision was right to go down this road.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Feeling Special??

I want to feel special.  I want to be told I'm special.  That kind of special that brings a sparkle to his eyes at the mere mention of your name.  Or may bring a smile to his face when you walk in the room.  I want that feeling.  I want to know I still hold some kind of magic with him, with us.

When we started on the adventure, I felt special.  Little things he did or said.  He would open my car door for me or make sure my car was full of gas.  He would hold my hand as we walked through the store.  I felt like he wanted to be around me.  He talked to me about stuff, everything really.  These things have faded, I'm not feeling that special connection.

Maybe the connection lost is my fault.  I gave him the ability to control.  Control everything including me.  Control of  my accountability.  Control of my day to day.  Problems is, he doesn't control all of me.  He wants to & I want to let him but there is that little bit he hasn't mastered yet.  With that comes an opening.  An opening I take full advantage of. 

I guess to feel special, I need to let him know I am special by doing the things he's asked.  I need to control that one little part of me that he hasn't quite mastered yet.   Maybe he doesn't open car doors anymore because I've somehow let him know it isn't necessary.  Maybe it's too late for that one.
I'm not complaining, I'm venting in that "woe is me" kind of mood.  I asked for this, I want/need this and I'm the one fighting the process. 

Ok, so I haven't quite mastered this submission or rule thing but I never claimed to be perfect.  I only need to be perfect enough for me but especially him.  The struggle continues and after 10 months, I do not have all the answers yet.  I guess we will continue on our journey until we reach a finish line.

This was probably the first blog that he actually said something about.  He said to me:  You are special but I want to be special too.  I thought at first it wasn't about the blog but he made sure later I knew later it was all about the blog.  This blog upset him.  Basically, because he felt I was asking for things I was unwilling to give in return.  I did admit that it was mostly my fault.  I havn't been subissive or following the rules as I should.  I know I need to hold up my end of the bargin.  I wanted to apologize to him for not making him feel special.  This journey is for both of us and we both must do what we can to make the other realize how much they mean to us.  I've been somewhat better, not perfect but better.  The path has had a few rock in the way but we are still moving forward.