Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Feeling Special??

I want to feel special.  I want to be told I'm special.  That kind of special that brings a sparkle to his eyes at the mere mention of your name.  Or may bring a smile to his face when you walk in the room.  I want that feeling.  I want to know I still hold some kind of magic with him, with us.

When we started on the adventure, I felt special.  Little things he did or said.  He would open my car door for me or make sure my car was full of gas.  He would hold my hand as we walked through the store.  I felt like he wanted to be around me.  He talked to me about stuff, everything really.  These things have faded, I'm not feeling that special connection.

Maybe the connection lost is my fault.  I gave him the ability to control.  Control everything including me.  Control of  my accountability.  Control of my day to day.  Problems is, he doesn't control all of me.  He wants to & I want to let him but there is that little bit he hasn't mastered yet.  With that comes an opening.  An opening I take full advantage of. 

I guess to feel special, I need to let him know I am special by doing the things he's asked.  I need to control that one little part of me that he hasn't quite mastered yet.   Maybe he doesn't open car doors anymore because I've somehow let him know it isn't necessary.  Maybe it's too late for that one.
I'm not complaining, I'm venting in that "woe is me" kind of mood.  I asked for this, I want/need this and I'm the one fighting the process. 

Ok, so I haven't quite mastered this submission or rule thing but I never claimed to be perfect.  I only need to be perfect enough for me but especially him.  The struggle continues and after 10 months, I do not have all the answers yet.  I guess we will continue on our journey until we reach a finish line.

This was probably the first blog that he actually said something about.  He said to me:  You are special but I want to be special too.  I thought at first it wasn't about the blog but he made sure later I knew later it was all about the blog.  This blog upset him.  Basically, because he felt I was asking for things I was unwilling to give in return.  I did admit that it was mostly my fault.  I havn't been subissive or following the rules as I should.  I know I need to hold up my end of the bargin.  I wanted to apologize to him for not making him feel special.  This journey is for both of us and we both must do what we can to make the other realize how much they mean to us.  I've been somewhat better, not perfect but better.  The path has had a few rock in the way but we are still moving forward.


  1. Ah let me stop you right there my sweet, boot wearing friend, there *IS* no finish line. There are times of comfort. Times of coasting, but the finish line is illusive. IT moves, trust me, and it is supposed to.

    In part some of what you describe here, your feelings not the actual physical things you miss, are what many refer to the 'honeymoon' period of ttwd. I was just 'venting' a bit to a friend the other day. Not exactly about the same things, but the feelings of the vent were pretty much the same. My vent was about feeling protected. During my vent I realized something. At the start of ttwd, I felt every little thing we went through had the air of hope around it. The newness. The naivety of how wonderful this always was going to be. Our new life, his new wife. Truth is Erika, sometimes it just down right SUCKS. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom I am being honest. We all know all marriages are work, yet the type of work that may or may not allow for a little burying of disappointment. Example: before ttwd I would tell Barney ' Don't bother buying me a birthday card/gift, Christmas gift etc...I don't need anything and it is a waste of money." Truth is, I realized I said these things because I was fearful of disappointment,-a forgotten day, a gift that could have been picked out by a stranger, whatever. TTWD opens up ourselves TOO ourselves. That perhaps is more scary than anything else. Figuring out what actually makes YOU tick. So you figure out what makes you tick/happy/angry....and then what? Well if you don't share ( and who is REALLY great at talking about themselves? honestly) he won't know. If you do share you think you run the risk that now he knows and if he still doesn't change that is more hurtful than me not sharing to begin with.

    Ttwd is an every day leap of faith. For EVERYONE involved. The opening of the door is not gone. Fonzie just needs to know it does make you feel special. Ask him, " I used to love it when you opened the door for me,or held my hand. Is there something I did. Some message I unknowingly sent to you that made you think otherwise? Because I miss it. Your attention makes me feel special" Too much to say? Have him read your post.

    Now on to the submission thing. I am not one who likes the 'blame game' and that especially means the sub. I will tell you how I explained it to Barney one time. " I need your control to help me stay or try to achieve my submissive heartset. Think of it this way, if you pour a glass of water on the sidewalk, it will remain in a small puddle. However if there are any cracks or unevenness to the sidewalk the water flows to that point and fills the crack. That is what happens when I am not secure ttwd. I am the water and I move into an area I think is cracked. I am not proud of that, but it is something I find myself doing." Ask yourself Erika why do you think you are struggling? I know if I am having a difficult time with a rule, ( I am not allowed to stand on chairs/stools etc...and he's not home soooooooo often I could so get away with it) I think of this rule and its reasoning. I think of it as a desire my husband has. He doesn't want me to get hurt ( although I have never fallen....just sayin') but more than that he took the time to make the rule to begin with. He cares. It isn't about trying to sneak one past him, or get away with it. It is about an expectation, a desire he has placed in my hands. Meh, heavy I know, but some times I really do have to flip over and see his side to make mine work.

    Basically my big ramble, you aren't special...BWAHAHA...BUT I mean in the way that your feelings here are NOT unique any honest Dd wife will tell you they do, or have had these very same feelings. THAT is why we blog. ( Some women even question WHY they are submissive, especially when it is so darn cold out a new pair of Sorels ordered online a month ago would have been wonderful!)


    1. Willie
      I gotta say your rant made me smile. I know there's no finish line (unless I push him off the cliff. LOL j/k). Sometimes I have to write this stuff down in order to figure out what I'm really feeling. It's weird. I'm glad I'm not alone and I'm glad you're there to smack me back into reality. I still want the honeymoon period back!!!

    2. You know what I figured out Erika, there is no going 'back' BUT there is new stuff that is equally as good or better. I mean CLEARLY he can bloody well open your door for you again, but the feelings. They change. They are more calm and not as frantic. LOL.. I mean there is hot monkey ( not Ape) sex frantic...at times, but it is a more even keel. At least that has been my experience. You know every once and a while, when the moon is full, the tide is low, the wind is warm from the west...wink.

  2. Erika,
    The more you give to him, the more he will give to you. It works and it works very well. Give more and you will receive, trust me.

  3. I have to agree with Willie. We've been at this two and a half years now. There's ups and downs. One thing I've found along the way is that we're not the only ones that need reinforcement. The guys need it too. When he does something that makes you feel special, let him know. You mentioned the door thing. It's such a little thing, but a gesture that makes me feel taken care of. When Steve starts slacking off, I come right out and tell him that I miss it and why I miss it.

  4. Wow! Great post and awesome comments! I know what you are saying and I struggle as well. Especially since my husband wants no part of this. But I think they are right. Good luck! It's not as easy as it seems it should be!