Friday, November 21, 2014

Letting go (or not!)

After 8 months, I thought I would be more submissive than I am, thought I would be perfect but I am far from perfect. I am far from most of the things I envisioned in the beginning. We have gone through another rough patch. This time a medical issue interfered with discipline. I made it impossible and he shut down or at least I thought he did. 

I'm not sure this was all my fault this time. I know I broke every rule, pushed every boundary and expected a reaction of some kind. He knew what I was doing and refused to react. 

What I know now is that I still have trouble letting him lead, letting him guide us through the rough patches. I can't let go. I still try to control everything by being a brat. By pushing and reacting. 

To his credit, he refuses to give in to my childish behavior. He leads by being calm and assertive in the face of adversity. He reigns me in when it's possible. He does have control, quietly watching and making notes. He never let me get away with anything, he just refrained from discipline until the issue was all cleared. 

We are back on track.  The path has been cleared of obstacles and we are steady making progress again.  The journey is difficult but worth every moment. I have another meeting in a few hours and even though I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not complaining or dreading it.  I'm looking forward to being on the right path with the man of my dreams. 

I'm learning.  I'm not perfect and it's ok!  I'm happy and loved!!


  1. Erika,
    Ttwd/dd is a roller coaster ride of plenty of ups and downs. Sounds like you are keeping an open heart and mind as you and hubby make your way.

  2. Hi Erika!

    I am so happy you posted. I seem to 'miss' you every time you show up in chat. I know all too well how difficult ttwd can be. If we think he is not noticing, our trust and security seem to go out the window.

    Barney has said to me in the past how he can't believe how quickly I can spiral downward. I have informed him on more than one occasion that it wasn't quickly, it had been building for a long time. These humps certainly are not in the rear view mirror by any means but are fewer. Through many discussions he has 'learned' that I need him to merely say he 'sees' me. This doesn't mean taking action, it just allows me to know that he hasn't forgotten what we are trying to achieve and how. It helps a LOT.

    Happy to hear that you have made it through yet another storm. I wish I could say there won't be more on the horizon, but generally that is not reality. Learning about each other and how things work or don't is always a benefit that comes out of these times ( sadly that seems to repeat itself over and over again until both parties actually do LEARN~ but don't worry, that is completely normal!!! )

    Hope to chat soon