Saturday, September 20, 2014

Electric fences

The electric fence or invisible fence is a great deterrent when it's working. The trouble is they often fail in extreme storms and never work during power failure.  

I've decided the rules are like that electric fence. When they are enforced, like the fence, they deliver a strong negative force you'd think twice to go near again. When they aren't enforced, it's as if the fence is lacking power. You know it's there, but when tested, nothing negative occurs. No jolt to bring you back to the proper side of things. 

We've been in our own little storm today. Forces outside our own creating a tornado of angry and hurt feelings.  Not at each other but at this particular force. I guess we all have them. Problem is, the fences are down. I've tested them. (I see you rolling your eyes at me but it had to be done). I'm stressed, unhappy by these events and feeling unloved and unwanted. (The un's). I hate these feeling more than the thought of trouble I'm causing myself. The storm has knocked out power to my fence. All attempts to cross boundaries have been successful so far today. 

I know this storm will pass. We get to spend all day tomorrow storm free but I'm not sure the fence will be mended in time. How long will it take to mend the fence this time?  I'm not feeling as strong as I was once and I need him to be solid in the storms.  

Ugh - I dislike feeling this vunerable and needy sometimes. I just want to be held and sheltered. I want him to be my umbrella not shivering in the cold wet rain with me. 

This journey will continue, the path goes on. This time I'm bringing waders!!  I'm learning to endure through the mud and muck. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I think he had a virus

We spent a couple weeks in funk land.  We've now settled safely on the other side or somewhere close at least.  I'm not sure we are fully safe on dry land but I'm sure our feet can at least touch solid ground.   So I guess it's time to write about those feelings.  I may ramble, oh please, when don't I?  Be patient, I'm sure there's a moral to the story in here somewhere.

So in case you're just dropping into this blog and missed a few entries (what really? Go back and read them - we'll wait), I will tell you that life got in the way a few weeks ago and we've struggled to get back.  Some disturbing news at the doctor led me to pointing accusing fingers and fighting the one person who was trying to help.  He didn't know how to cope with all those emotions and I think he was being drained by my emotional overload.  We also moved and got one of the little people ready to head off to the big bad world.  Needless to say, I was a basket case.

What I needed was a firm hand.  A solid rock to plant my feet on safely above the water line.  I was left drowning instead.  I fought hard but emotionally I couldn't bring myself to safety.  I needed him, I wanted him to be there.  When he wasn't, I shut him out completely.  

I think this is where he caught this virus.  His walls couldn't withstand the pressure I was putting on him and so with his defenses down, he shut down all means of communication between us.  DD stopped.  He stopped trying to help us.  He wasn't leading.  I sure as heck wasn't following.  I broke rules because I was mad, because I was lost, mostly because I was scared.  This virus, a lot like the flu but for the HoH, left him unable to fulfill his role as a husband, a leader, a friend.  He was drained.  He blamed me.  He said I wasn't doing what I needed to do, so why should he.  I must not have wanted this anymore.  That's how I was acting.  He quit leading & started blaming.

Ok, so we both can't be blaming each other.  One of us had to lead us out of the turmoil.  It was horrible.  I never saw any of this as my fault.  I blamed him for everything.  I blamed him for the bad news at the doctor, for our baby growing up and leaving, for making us move, for not doing more.  I was asking more more more and giving nothing in return.  

It hit me - OMG this might be my fault.  I might be the reason he doesn't love me anymore.  Shock & awe, I wanted badly to snap out of it.  I couldn't.  It's not a light switch you can flip and everything gets better.  Depression doesn't work that way (oh I wish it did).  I had to try to explain.  Tears filled my apology and I'm not really exactly sure I even said "I'm sorry".  I told him how I needed him to catch me when I was falling and that he wasn't there.  He let me fall into this pit of despair by thinking that I needed the time and space for myself.  I needed him to help lead me out of the darkness but he let me wander.  I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but it was his fault too.  

We did have a good talk. (It was just a talk that night)  I asked him to be the leader even when he thought I needed space to myself.  That in those times, I needed and wanted him to help snap me out of that place.  I didn't like being in that place any more than he liked me being there.  He's agreed to help me more in those situations.  (hmmmm brat beware!!!) 

It took some time for him to find his mojo after all this.  I guess when you get a bad flu it just takes time to recover.  It's been a slow process but I think he's almost completely healed.  He's reiterated the rules and expectations and has told me in no uncertain terms that he will deal with things as they come up.  No more waiting.  Tested that theory once already & didn't like the outcome.  He's still working on consistency again.  It's not where it once was but I'm sure as fast as he learned once, his recovery from this virus will be just as speedy.

We are still learning.  We haven't given up our journey and there are no roads leading back from where we came.  We will be stronger as we will be together.  Be patient with me, I'm not there yet!!