Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I think he had a virus

We spent a couple weeks in funk land.  We've now settled safely on the other side or somewhere close at least.  I'm not sure we are fully safe on dry land but I'm sure our feet can at least touch solid ground.   So I guess it's time to write about those feelings.  I may ramble, oh please, when don't I?  Be patient, I'm sure there's a moral to the story in here somewhere.

So in case you're just dropping into this blog and missed a few entries (what really? Go back and read them - we'll wait), I will tell you that life got in the way a few weeks ago and we've struggled to get back.  Some disturbing news at the doctor led me to pointing accusing fingers and fighting the one person who was trying to help.  He didn't know how to cope with all those emotions and I think he was being drained by my emotional overload.  We also moved and got one of the little people ready to head off to the big bad world.  Needless to say, I was a basket case.

What I needed was a firm hand.  A solid rock to plant my feet on safely above the water line.  I was left drowning instead.  I fought hard but emotionally I couldn't bring myself to safety.  I needed him, I wanted him to be there.  When he wasn't, I shut him out completely.  

I think this is where he caught this virus.  His walls couldn't withstand the pressure I was putting on him and so with his defenses down, he shut down all means of communication between us.  DD stopped.  He stopped trying to help us.  He wasn't leading.  I sure as heck wasn't following.  I broke rules because I was mad, because I was lost, mostly because I was scared.  This virus, a lot like the flu but for the HoH, left him unable to fulfill his role as a husband, a leader, a friend.  He was drained.  He blamed me.  He said I wasn't doing what I needed to do, so why should he.  I must not have wanted this anymore.  That's how I was acting.  He quit leading & started blaming.

Ok, so we both can't be blaming each other.  One of us had to lead us out of the turmoil.  It was horrible.  I never saw any of this as my fault.  I blamed him for everything.  I blamed him for the bad news at the doctor, for our baby growing up and leaving, for making us move, for not doing more.  I was asking more more more and giving nothing in return.  

It hit me - OMG this might be my fault.  I might be the reason he doesn't love me anymore.  Shock & awe, I wanted badly to snap out of it.  I couldn't.  It's not a light switch you can flip and everything gets better.  Depression doesn't work that way (oh I wish it did).  I had to try to explain.  Tears filled my apology and I'm not really exactly sure I even said "I'm sorry".  I told him how I needed him to catch me when I was falling and that he wasn't there.  He let me fall into this pit of despair by thinking that I needed the time and space for myself.  I needed him to help lead me out of the darkness but he let me wander.  I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but it was his fault too.  

We did have a good talk. (It was just a talk that night)  I asked him to be the leader even when he thought I needed space to myself.  That in those times, I needed and wanted him to help snap me out of that place.  I didn't like being in that place any more than he liked me being there.  He's agreed to help me more in those situations.  (hmmmm brat beware!!!) 

It took some time for him to find his mojo after all this.  I guess when you get a bad flu it just takes time to recover.  It's been a slow process but I think he's almost completely healed.  He's reiterated the rules and expectations and has told me in no uncertain terms that he will deal with things as they come up.  No more waiting.  Tested that theory once already & didn't like the outcome.  He's still working on consistency again.  It's not where it once was but I'm sure as fast as he learned once, his recovery from this virus will be just as speedy.

We are still learning.  We haven't given up our journey and there are no roads leading back from where we came.  We will be stronger as we will be together.  Be patient with me, I'm not there yet!!


  1. If I am to be honest, this virus has afflicted many couples I know~ ones that have been at this far longer than both you and I combined. Um, not to scare you. So many factors can play into it. However it does seem more prevalent in the first year of Dd. I guess we build up a slight immunity to it. Pitty there isn't a vaccine for it!

    I used to have a picture of Angry Tweety Bird on our bedroom wall.

    http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/191331/ ( this one)

    To remind Barney that when I am most 'angry' that I am generally hurt and I need HIM! It was a LONG, painful process over here, but he's getting it.

    Unfortunately with Dd it appears that growth comes with pain more often than not. I am happy you are starting to feel better. I know the 'illness' and I don't like it at all!


    1. Willie
      A very large needle for the vaccine would be perfect. Right in the butt!!!
      I hate that I need him more when he's not there. When he is there, I don't mind so much being needy & vulnerable.

  2. This still happens from time to time here. It can be for a variety of reasons. We get busy with the kids and dd falls to the wayside. I get angry and it turns to hurt and we are left stagnant. Ryan or I really do get sick and we don't have the energy to deal with our perspective roles. The good news seems to be, that even though this does happen...it is not nearly as devastating as it used to be. I know that the time until we are back on is not nearly as long as it used to be.

    Ryan has said for him, when we go off the road with dd he loses his confidence after awhile. The whole so spa king thing feels awkward again...and essentially he is like a deer in the headlights. The longer we get into this, the more he can see the problems as they arise and fix them as we go. It is definitely, and will always be a work in progress here. Lol!

    You did what needed to be done. You talk and talk....and tallllkkkk! That is the only way to get back on the road again :)

    1. Good lord! Spa king?!? This is a dd blog autocorrect get it right! Lol. *spanking.

      Sorry typing on my phone. ;)

    2. We talked (more I talked) and cried (me again) and then action (that was him). Sometimes that spanking, even though we don't necessarily want the pain, makes things all better. Now if only there something to get them back on track faster.

  3. Hi Erica, this is my first time here and I thought I would come by and say hello!
    I know about the virus you are talking about, it has gone through our house many times. But each time the virus has come to our house, we have learned something from it. Life isn't perfect and neither is DD. You just keep working at it, do your best and keep communicating with each other. I'm glad your feeling better.

    1. Kimberly
      Thanks for stopping by. The learning curve is something I never really anticipated. For some reason I thought it would just be a piece of cake and once started would run along smoothly. Boy was I ever wrong. It's a journey on a curvy, windy, bumpy road but as long as he's beside me, we will get there together. Maybe a little later than anticipated but still in our own time.

  4. I'm glad you were able to talk about it and get back on track! It takes courage to recognize and ask for what you need.

    1. It's still so hard to just ask for it. To just muster up the courage to say that I'm stressed or hurt and could you just spank me. I don't think I've actually said that yet. So far, I just become a brat & manage to get there without words. I'm working on it.