Friday, February 19, 2016


I've been thinking about why I want to be submissive to him, only him. The more I think about it, and read different definitions of it, I realize I'm not as submissive as I want to be. I can't break through the tough independent woman I have been forever without feeling guilty. 

I drive everywhere. Literally and figuratively. I drive to get where I'm going, to get people where they need to go, errands and whatever. I also drive me.  I drive myself to control the chaos in my life. I try to make everyone else happy and in doing so I've given all of me to everyone else for as long as I can remember. I've always been the grown up one, more mature, more common sense, more smarts than the others. People come to me for advice and often I have some good stuff.  The advice I give them, I can't give myself. I wish I could.  I take care of everyone, it's time to take care of me. For this, I'm called selfish. 

I don't need to rely on anyone. I can do this all myself. I have done it all myself. I've been driving in my world and I've finally run out of gas. I want to give my submission so that I can please only one person, instead of everyone. So he can help me control who gets my time and attention. So he can help me drive. 

I don't think it's selfish to not want to drive anymore. Yet I feel guilty that I want to be driven instead. I want to sit back and relax on the journey instead of worrying about how or when we will get there.  

I'm better since starting this adventure but I still need and want more.  It's not a secret to myself or him that my submission requires his dominance. Here's the major guilty part. I feel like I'm asking for someone he isn't wanting to give. I don't think he wants to drive. I don't know if he's ready to continue on our adventure.  He's not consistent in enforcing the rules.  I'm definately not very submissive in following them. How can either of us succeed in our roles?  Why would either of us want to?

I don't have any answers. I know I'm tired of driving but if I don't drive, I get nowhere. I know I can't sit in the car waiting for someone to turn on the music or take the car out of park.  I'm lost and I don't know how to get back on track. 


  1. Good post Erika.
    take baby steps kiddo, start simple then build on that. I know Fonzi doesn't talk much but he is always listening (well most of the time lol).
    As much as you hate hearing this you have to keep talking about it find away to get him in the game so he can be the one driving and if it falls apart or it doesn't work pick yourself up and do it again always trying something different till you get the response you need.


    1. Thanks Bob. I keep trying and following his lead and trying again. I won't quit talking, but I will try to listen more.