Saturday, November 28, 2015


A couple weeks ago I cried for no reason during a seemingly normal event. I didn't want it to ruin our future but it did. I never blamed him for what happened but somewhere along the way I guess he blamed himself. I still don't know what caused it, I guess even after 2 weeks we will never know what it really was. It just was. I tried to move past it, I did move beyond it with the help of my friends. Unfortunately, he was frozen in that space of fear and the unknown. 

I'm often told (because I'm hard headed and don't listen) that in order for him to lead, I need to give him a reason to. In my defense, let me say I needed to get past this issue. Needed the closure, needed him to, well, lead.  I was so lost in my needs that I never fully understood his.  He wasn't talking,meant leading, wasn't anything. He avoided me for days, ignored my blatant attempts to find trouble, basically shut down and quit operating. 

The more he retreated into his shell, the more I found myself lost. It's a jungle out there and I no longer had a map. So I did what any self respecting brat would do - I quit!  I gave up.   

I couldn't continue the mascarade of wanting a lifestyle he was incapable of giving me. I put everything away. Out fm sight, out f mind. I refused to speak of DD, refused to follow the rules (not that I was following them anyway). If DD was coming back, it would be his decision. I wouldn't push, I wouldn't explain why I was right (I'm always right - right?) about this lifestyle being right for us. I quit!

I was stressed from the holiday. Too much happening all at once. I didn't need the chaos but there it was all around. I was over whelmed, lost and out f control. I had spiraled so far down there was no up anymore. Once I decided to push DD out of my life, quit being dependent on it, I realized I was unhappy again. Still, I quit.  

Then yesterday, a text. I was told to have his dinner ready and be waiting for him when he got home.  Which I did but still he didn't talk to me. Ate in silence, staring at his computer screen.  By bedtime his tone changed and he was no longer lost and afraid. 

He told me how he'd failed to lead & how I had also failed to submit.  He set me in the corner to contemplate. He was putting us back on track. He never gave up, he just couldn't see the path. He asked me why I hid (put away) the implements. I told him I had quit, I couldn't continue to push this if he wasn't willing or able to continue. I wanted the next step to come from him and not having that stuff around wouldn't influence his decision. He understood but said I should have talked to him first. 

So he spanked me. It wasn't horrible and honestly could have been worse. We reconnected and all the rules are being enforced and I'll be held accountable again.  I'm encouraged and content.  My quitting was short lived and all things DD related have been returned to their cabinet as instructed. 

The journey isn't all easy and we learn from each event. It's not always the event we learn from. Sometimes it's the way we dealt with the event or each other. It's been 20 months on this road and we are still learning and growing. We still have a lot t learn but at least I know he's willing to learn and grow with me. 


  1. Erika,

    This is such a heartfelt account of your journey. I think we all have a tendency to feel overwhelmed by the chaos sometimes and you did the right thing by letting him lead this time, even though you felt a little lost waiting, Thanks for sharing!


  2. You hid the implements? That is what I call a silent testing temper tantrum. "Let's see if he notices." Pfft. LOL

    Maybe NOW you will listen because Fonzie said it, "He understood but said I should have talked to him first."

    We ALLLLLLLLLL understand, just as we ALLLLLLLLLLLLL know we have to actually SPEAK to the other person, even if they aren't speaking back. ( side note to Fonzie, if you want her to speak to you , you have to also speak to her. No one wants to talk to a wall. Silence makes ALL of us feel insecure).

    Look as you know, I get it. I've been there, and I'm not at the point in this thing we do where I am willing to admit that we won't ever be there again. The thing is 20 months in or 10 years in, the line keeps moving. There are people in these 'dynamics'. People are organic. People change, situations change. What once was a week ago might not be important or may be TWICE as important now. The only way to keep a hold of this, and not let it spiral on and on, is to communicate. WITH EACH OTHER...LOL

    I will tell you though, more often than not, our mole hills are just that. No longer mountains. They may last 24 hours, or the tip might only be knocked off for a bit, but the entire dynamic no longer hits the toilet. A long time ago I read a quote that helped me for a very long time..." Make it a moment not a mountain". And with that came the mental chant, " Talk to him 'willie' ". You'd both do well to remember that.