Monday, November 16, 2015

What is wrong with me?

Something happened yesterday that emotionally drained me and left me feeling completely empty. I still can't explain what happened and the why isn't becoming clearer. It left Fonzi in such a state, he didn't know how to deal with me or the situation. Needless to say, I'm writing out of confusion and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.   Sorry if you can't follow or it's not my typical type of post but hey it's my blog, I'm being true to me. 

So yesterday after being apart all day, he tells me he wants to visit the bedroom. Usually a bad sign for my butt except I was not in trouble. The would be one of the fun trips to the bedroom. Ok I'm up for that. He wasn't overly dominant, I wasn't anywhere near submissive but hey, sex is sex and I'll take it. He had a paddle (well a light saber looking thing) but he wasn't using it. Nothing unusual going on, nothing new. Sex was good, like really good. I was relaxed, it was nice. Again nothing unusual.   Until it was. I readjusted my position which my now dominant hubby took offense at. He pulled my hair, yelled at me that I don't get to move unless I ask. I apologized but it was too late. I was in full on sobbing tears. 

Let me state, nothing was unusual except the tears. I've never cried before. He's pulled my hair, he's lectured me for moving.  He's swatted me for less. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't damaged in any way but I was crying. The ugly full sobs runny nose kind of crying. In my head I tried to rationalize it, make myself stop. Try as I may, I couldn't figure out why it started so making it stop was impossible.   He asked why I was crying and I said I don't know. I honestly didn't know. I still don't.   He freaked out. He didn't know if he'd hurt me, he was as lost as I was.   So now we are both sitting there after not knowing what to do. 

Emotionally I was empty. I wasn't feeling anything. I sat on the edge of he bed and while the crying stopped, I wasn't ok. I still have trouble explaining how I felt even to myself (& I was there). It was at this point surreal. Like I wasn't really there. I just sat. 

He eventually asked what he could do for me. I asked simply to be held. I know he was freaked because at this point he would grab me full bear hug and just hold me until I was struggling to be freed. He kinda side armed me. That really didn't help my lost and empty feeling but it was better than him walking away and leaving me there by myself.   It's a lesson we had to learn the hard way. 

So even tho I don't know why there were tears and I've had some maybe sorta ideas.  Like we weren't really in a full on Dom/sub mindset when he suddenly switched, it was too much too fast and it triggered tears. That's really my only idea, the rest didn't even make sense in my own head, no sense putting them on paper. Anyway, the point is, no I don't know why there were tears, but I know what I needed after. I didn't then, he didn't either and we struggled all night because of it. What I needed at that moment, when I needed to be held, I needed to be cuddled deeply and loved until I couldn't be held anymore. Maybe it would have been short, maybe I would have fallen asleep in his arms but I needed to feel safe in that moment. I needed my happy spot. Snuggled tightly, big heavy arms wrapped around me in an embrace that would normally suffocate me. I needed him. My rock, my center, my everything. 

I've told him he needs to hold me better next time and I hope he can read this and see I'm not making this about his failure. It's not about failure, it's about learning. It's about moving past whatever this was and growing. No, we don't know what caused it.  It may happen again. What we learned was what I need to get through it. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. We are perfect for each other. 

We are still learning, still growing and still moving forward. At least with all these new experiences, he will never get bored with me. 


  1. About a month ago or so, we had an incident in our bedroom. I have a couple of triggers that bring me back to a place, before ttwd I had forgotten, and now I wish I could again. Anyway it isn't important how it happened really, just that it happened. There were tears and a huge meltdown on my part.

    The difference being with us is we both knew ( 3 years in) that the triggers exist. Thankfully they are few and far between now for me. But the potential is there and Barney has to remain aware that it is possible, and know what to do if it arises again. As I said to you, it took me a long time to sort out the whys (before this last time) and then longer for Barney to remember them or their potential in the heat of the moment, because it doesn't always happen.

    So when does it happen? Often when I feel I am sliding away from my husband. It doesn't have to be a huge tumble down the hill, it could just be something slight, but that coupled with the vulnerability of sex or the feelings that a great sex session can leave me with, well can lead to a perfect storm of bizarre emotions.

    Who knows? Maybe you were basking in the glow and glory of the aftermath and the flip of the switch made you feel like you weren't on the same page as your husband? Perhaps you were confused as to the change in temperature. Perhaps you felt more susceptible to many emotions. Another time from now it could send you into a fit of rage.

    What is important however is that fact that you informed your husband of what you believe you need if/when this situation arises again. I know my husband was shell shocked for a very long time when the tears would start...and I now know the reason for the alone feeling. The reason makes him even MORE confused....but like your husband, he now has the tools to help me through the latter part, even if he can't always stop the former from happening.

    1. Thanks Willie. I wouldn't have gotten as far as I did without talking to you and a couple others. I'd like to say there is a memory from my past that has bearing on this but there's not. There's really no rhyme or reason, it just was. Maybe it'll take months to figure out the cause. Maybe there's not one to figure out and I'm overthinking it. What I know is, this won't define me. It may change me a bit for a while, but I won't make it ruin me or us.

  2. Hi Erika,

    I just started reading your blog and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Can I just say that I am not a crier but this happened to me once before also with no real reason, no bad memory. At the time I blamed it on my hormones but I still to this day don't know what it was. Thanks for your lovely blog. I am really enjoying it!

    1. Thanks for reading. Always nice to hear people are reading. It would be so much easier to have something to blame this on but there's just not. Sorry you went through it too.