Saturday, February 7, 2015

Devastated

I've never really posted about my world outside of my relationship with Fonzi and our journey with DD, but this is my place to wite what is on my mind and try to work through my feelings. So here goes, raw emotions to follow.

It's no secret I have found a community, a family, a place online where I have felt safe to share my views, my life, my deepest dartpkest secrets and fears.  A place where I could just be me and people accepted it. A place where I could share advice and ideas for everything from cooking to this journey we are on.  I was happy here chatting with friends, making new friends and just being me. What I didn't realize was just how much happy I had wrapped up in that world. How intertwined reality and virtual had become. 

I am who I am, I base my advice on where I am emotionally, physically and pure heartfelt experience. I've never been blindsided like this before. I do not wear a bullet proof vest when I chat, I'm not protected. I am extremely cautious but I wear my heart on my sleeve unguarded, always have. I feel that's a part of me I wanted to share with others and I give more of me than anyone really knows. Everything I've ever done has had someone else's well being ahead of my own. However, I've been injured deep inside my core and I'm not sure I'll be the same. I never saw this threat coming. I didn't have time to prepare. Now I'm devastated and don't know I want to go back. My happy place will be will with doubt and hurt. I'm hurt. I didn't mean to cause anyone any damage. My words of advice come from my own experience. Good, bad or ugly. It was not my intention to do any perceived harm. I don't think I did. I feel still, even after all this, my opinion is mine to share. You do not have to agree, I am not perfect. Never claimed I was. 

I won't give many details, that's not why I'm writing this. My advice and intent was questioned. I feel personally attacked and right now as I type this, I do not want to go back to that place.  I want to withdrawal from everything and find my center again.   I've made great friends who are supporting me like I never thought anyone would. I know I'm loved. This is kinda like being in one of those comas where you know what's going on but you just can't make yourself wake up and be involved.   Don't count me out just yet, but currently I've pretty much lost the will to survive in my happy safe world. I need to see if I can be myself without it. 

6 comments:

  1. Hey Erika, I'm so sorry you are feeling attacked and vulnerable.It's hard to put yourself out there because yes, at times gross stuff happens. I hope your heart heals and you learn to trust again.

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  2. Erika,
    I hope you are healing and are ready to start over. Sometimes hurt happens and we must simply dust ourselves off and begin again. Right?
    Meredith

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  3. Oh Erika, while I didn't go through the exact same thing as you, nor am I talking about what you and I talked about either, but I have been there. So many times I have been there.

    There is something truly magical that happens when we first get to know people via print isn't there? Who would have thought how open we can become when we feel we are safe? I know I certainly had no idea how much I could divulge to strangers, and by doing so some of these strangers became as important to me as family. Odd to love people who you haven't even heard their voice, isn't it? Unfortunately, there are some out there that don't have the ability to see that there are indeed human beings on the other side of their computer screen. It is a shame really, for they are the ones missing out on so much.

    I wished to God this didn't happen to you. I know what that wound feels like, it cuts deep, and takes a while heal. I won't lie. BUT I am so over the moon happy for you that your friends, your REAL friends are right there with you. You didn't make any mistakes that day, and you certainly didn't make any mistakes trusting the people you now call friends!

    love
    willie

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  4. I'm sorry this has happened Erika. Having received advice (good advice) from you in the past, there is not a doubt in my mind that your advice came from the right place.

    Don't beat yourself up over this. People need to understand that advice is simply our opinion based on what we've been told and our own experiences. It's up to the person to decide for themselves whether the advice is right for them and their relationship.

    Hugs,
    Dana

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  5. Thanks for all the kind words of support. Sorry it's taken so long to respond but I couldn't being myself back to read the post for some time. I'm slowly recovering from the pain and heartbreak, trying again to show my true self back in the world. I'm still guarded but knowing my friends never left me, made me feel truly blessed to have found you all.

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