Sunday, April 19, 2015

Devastated no more!

I've stayed away from my blog out of fear. Not that I didn't want or need to say stuff, I couldn't. I had told myself that I could be hurt again if I posted, if I let myself open up to that raw emotion again, my little blog world could crumble and my self confidence would crumble with it.
Ok well, I'm done being afraid. I need this place to figure out my feelings and emotions, so no more fear of someone knocking down my castle of solitude. This is my place after all, and if you don't like it, well move on. (Seriously, I hope you like it tho. And want to stick around. I'm not really that tough)

So here's my newest ramble

Since my last post, we celebrated our first year of DD and our 21st wedding anniversary. 
The DD has had its ups and downs, which I've come to find normal in this lifestyle. The marriage (which no one said would survive) has been steady and rock solid lately. No more doubts that he is leaving, no more fear (that word again) I will be old and alone. We are good!!

On the DD front, we have been on the on/off again path. No big secret there. I've noticed where I'm changing and it's good. I'm not quick to anger or brat. I'm comfortable letting him lead and being in control. 

The other day I did something I didn't think was a big deal (or didn't do)  It's a small rule, something just between us.  He asked why I hadn't followed through on it & my only response was that I simply had not made the time.  He didn't say much.  I resumed my morning.  He sat up in the bed and grabbed one of his favorite implement (the evil paint stick to be exact - not the oar). When I asked what this was for, he looked sad.  He told me he was disappointed in me. He said when I don't follow through with the little things we agreed to, it's like I didn't find the time for him.
Wow!  I wasn't expecting that response.  I'm glad he did it.  He is finally taking care of disruptions of our balance when they occur.  I found peace after that.  There was no time for cuddling but I was safe and secure in the knowledge that he cared for me, for us.  I'm happy.  We are happy. I am truly remorseful that I disappointed him in that way.  I will be more careful in letting the little things slide.

We are good.  Learning to take the journey together.  Ready to let him lead.  

I'm done being afraid of everything.  I'm done letting people control who I am or who I want to be.  With one exception.  My self confidence is growing again.  I'm safe.  I know he will protect me.  My doubts are fading, my fears diminished.   I'm back.  You have been warned.  LOL


  1. Well I for once am happy that you only took a break and didn't leave here forever! Dd is difficult. It can almost be unbearable if during those difficult times you go through it alone. I am glad you didn't let those who hurt you 'win'

    Congrats on the anniversary btw! Congrats on finding YOUR stride with your confidence. Life becomes so much easier when you are in 'that zone' OH and congrats to Fonzie for finding the right words to make you realize and feel why what you had done (or not) wasn't acceptable.

    Much love

  2. I'm glad to see you back Erika. I was just thinking about you yesterday.. Congrats on both anniversaries!

    As far as DD, after nearly 3 years of this, I'm beginning to think that's just how it works for us. When life gets hectic, it slips away a bit. Once life calms down, it gets a little strict to get things back in order. Then we reach a balance until the next time life gets hectic, at which point we do it all over again. I think I've reached the point where the ups and downs don't bother me as much as they used to.

  3. So glad to see you posting again. As most of us know it has its ups & downs or on & off in my case. It is the people around us though that can sometimes makes us feel "normal" in our feelings or that we are not messing the whole thing up! I know my friends do that for me and you are one of them! Glad Fonzi was able to reach you with just a few words that is Powerful to me anyway.