I'll start with what I know (could be a short list)
I need the discipline
I need the structure
I crave the dominance
I need the peace and harmony
I'm better with these things
What I don't know
Why do I want him to understand that when he's in control, I'm better- more relaxed, centered, calm. Why can't I explain this in a way that he gets it. Why don't I understand he doesn't get it. I'm left confused lonely & out of sorts. Even the brat is so lost she has been unheard of lately. I'm beyond that. I'm so far past breaking a rule to get attention. Now I just don't follow the rules and don't care if he notices. I've almost given up.
I know he loves me. I know I should hold tight to what I want and need. He will come around. I have to do my part. Be a martyr for my cause because that is what will get me past this lull. I've heard the advice. Hell I've given it. Right now it's a distant thunder in my ears. I hear it but it's not reaching the inner most places of my heart because my mind is in constant over drive. I need to quiet the voices in my head. I need to still the waters again so I can swim to safety.
My life boat hasn't said much to me. Hasn't noticed I'm in distress. Hasn't turned back around to pluck me from the depths of the ocean. Maybe my life boat is sinking too. Am I too caught up in my own storm to see that? Is it possible that he is in his own storm? Am I so selfish I don't see his fears & desires? My mind says yes, you're selfish. My mind says he can't do this and all you're doing is pushing him away again. Let it go.
I know I don't want to be the angry bitter woman I was before. I want to be happy. Even a selfish brat deserves a little bit of happiness.
I'm still learning I hope to continue to learn. I hope he is willing to lead me and love me through the storm!