Thursday, April 30, 2015

Are we done?

I'm not sure yet where I'm going with this post. I feel I'm at a crossroad of sorts. I find myself not understanding my own feelings, my own desires, wants and needs. I'm so conflicted all the time. I want this, yet I struggle to obtain it. Is it out of habit? Is it something different completely?  Does my heart not understand my mind or is my mind unwilling to yield to my heart. Do I not understand exactly what I really want or need?

I'll start with what I know (could be a short list)

I need the discipline
I need the structure
I crave the dominance 
I need the peace and harmony  
I'm better with these things

What I don't know
Everything else

Why do I want him to understand that when he's in control, I'm better- more relaxed, centered, calm. Why can't I explain this in a way that he gets it. Why don't I understand he doesn't get it. I'm left confused lonely & out of sorts. Even the brat is so lost she has been unheard of lately. I'm beyond that. I'm so far past breaking a rule to get attention. Now I just don't follow the rules and don't care if he notices. I've almost given up. 

I know he loves me. I know I should hold tight to what I want and need. He will come around. I have to do my part. Be a martyr for my cause because that is what will get me past this lull. I've heard the advice. Hell I've given it. Right now it's a distant thunder in my ears. I hear it but it's not reaching the inner most places of my heart because my mind is in constant over drive. I need to quiet the voices in my head. I need to still the waters again so I can swim to safety. 

My life boat hasn't said much to me. Hasn't noticed I'm in distress. Hasn't turned back around to pluck me from the depths of the ocean. Maybe my life boat is sinking too. Am I too caught up in my own storm to see that? Is it possible that he is in his own storm?  Am I so selfish I don't see his fears & desires?   My mind says yes, you're selfish. My mind says he can't do this and all you're doing is pushing him away again. Let it go. 

I know I don't want to be the angry bitter woman I was before. I want to be happy. Even a selfish brat deserves a little bit of happiness. 

I'm still learning   I hope to continue to learn. I hope he is willing to lead me and love me through the storm!


  1. Ask him to spank you.

    That is all

    1. Ditto!!!

      But I smiled. I haven't done much of that today.

    2. You know darn well *I* can't. I lay in bed last night thinking, you know if anyone else reads my comment, they are going to think I am a cold hearted b*tch. Of course what you think is the only thing that matters....AS YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT! :)

      Seriously Erika, I meant it. No one LIKES to have to ask because it seems to take a bit of the meaning away. But in this case I think it *might* take your fuzzy tv screen and make the picture a bit clearer. I am not pretending it will make all right in your world, but it might just help.

    3. Good Lord I shouldn't comment before cofee. *what you THINK is the only thing that matters.

  2. Erika, I am so sorry you are struggling this with this. It is so hard in the beginning to be consistent - for everyone involved. They have to learn to pay attention to our frame of mind no matter how tired, confused or unsure they are and we have to learn to obey even when we feel they are letting us down.

    I have no problem asking for a spanking. I know it centers me, clears out the depression, makes me able to make decisions that I won't regret later. I asked for a recurring morning spanking every day over a two week period and even he noticed the difference. Yes, it lacks dominance and it seems self-serving because it is. But it works and it keeps me going. It isn't counter productive.

    Keep trying girl and give him encouragement whenever possible. Don't compare your relationship to anyone else's. Make it fit the needs both of you have.

    Off my soapbox now. Good Luck and keep your chin up.