Obsession

Do you have an obsession or addiction?  Has it gotten so far out of control that you can't manage to stop on your own?  Have you asked for help?  Even with help, do you find it hard to control?

I have a Facebook addiction. There I said it.  Admitting it is the first step right?  I don't know why but I see that little icon on my phone and it calls to me. It wants me to come inside and visit with my friends and family. It wants me to play the games and post the silly pictures. It draws me in like a moth to the flame. 

Once inside, there is comfort in seeing that all your friends are there. There is warmth in their posts and silliness in their photos. A new selfie, a milestone for the new baby. It's like we live our lives in a virtual world on a screen.  We don't actually ever share these moments but somehow we are there. Every time I sign on, it's like a family or class reunion, lunch with the girls or just watching like a mother at a park watches everything.  It's comforting. 

I guess I don't have many friends that are not in Facebook land. The connection I feel is probably great inside Facebook because I don't see many of my friends due to very busy lives. It's a way to keep in touch. 

Needless to say, I'm addicted. I can't help it. I told Fonzi I wanted help to curb the desire to be on Facebook so much. He agreed it had become a huge distraction for me and agreed to help. (Although he thinks I have other things that are far worse - don't worry, he made rules for those too)  I agreed to stay off (cold turkey) of Facebook for 2 weeks. A self imposed grounding from Facebook. 

I did so good the first week.  I didn't go in once. Oh, the desire to go in was there but the instinct to save my butt was stronger. I am allowed to play the app games that connect with Facebook. One such game sent a request & when I clicked it, it took me to Facebook instead of the app. It was an accident, I quickly closed Facebook down, made a quick confession and it was over. Or was it?  The problem was a saw something that troubled me and by the next day the obsession with the error got the better of me and I checked out Facebook. Just for the error, I didn't scroll or browse around. Good for me but bad for the addiction monster lurking inside me.  The monster showed up full force yesterday and I found myself engulfed in the stories and faces I have missed so much for a whole week. It took me a few (like 3-4) minutes to realize what I was really doing and I shut it down.  

How on earth do I tell him?  How did I get myself here?  Extreme guilt and shame had to be worse than anything he would say or do.  I told him in a text.  His reply "meet me in the bedroom when you get home".   It was a butterfly kind of moment, I knew I was in trouble but I felt relaxed and at peace because I knew he would help me. He was there to see me through his no matter what.  He stepped up to the HoH plate and swung for the home run. I had nothing to worry about.  When I'm not in control, he is. Ever loving, never harsh, just totally in control. 

After everyone was in bed and the house was quiet, after we snuggled for a little while, he stepped up to the plate and started swinging again. He has quite a swing on him.  He was at bat for what seemed like an eternity. I won't sit still today or probably tomorrow but I know I won't be on Facebook. He also imposed another 2 week ban. So much for progress, I start over. 

This addiction is small in comparison to some struggles of other people but addiction, no matter what it is, can be all consuming. I am lucky I have someone who is willing to help me fix me.  I am loved. 

Be patient with me, I'm still learning.