Saturday, March 29, 2014

Vulnerable or needy?

I've needed to write for days but couldn't think of what to write. Usually it's something about me bing in trouble, but really is that all I ever want to write about. Although, I have plenty to write about.   I'm sitting here looking at the laundry I was told to put away many times. I'll get to it. Eventually. LOL. 

So here it is. My topic for today. Maybe someone will understand my rambling. Where's the line between vulnerability & neediness?  

I woke up yesterday in a sad place and I tried for hours to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that I was missing the closeness with Fonzi. Since this journey began, we've spent a lot of time together wether talking, laughing or just snuggling.  I've felt loved, wanted, safe and very vulnerable. I've given more of myself to him in the last two weeks than I had given in years. I've given him all of me; emotionally & physically.  I've not asked for much in return other than to feel the closeness and the love. Those are the things that make me feel safe & protected.   

Then suddenly a forgotten word, a forgotten hug or snuggle. I felt exposed in a way I hadn't been before. Ive not needed him to say "I love you" every time he leaves or before bed in years, so why now?  Why do I need to hear it before I can sleep?  Why before he leaves for the day?  

I guess I don't want to fall back into old habits. I don't want to go through life in a hum drum kind of space anymore. I want more from him, from us.

So I have this question:  Am I just being needy or selfish or have I left my self vulnerable?

I did write him a note explaining how I felt ignored when he forgot the little things we had promised each other. I did feel better after knowing he read it and said he didn't realize I felt that way.  Yet, I still feel something sad inside that at anytime he can forget again.  I promised not to be a brat and just talk to him (I don't see that brat part not happening tho) if I feel this way again. I also promised to follow the rules, even if I wasn't feeling like it. 

So that being said.  Off to tackle the laundry monster.  Still with questions in my head but a little more at peace now that I've thrown it into blog land. I don't expect anyone to read it or comment but it's out of my head and that helps me too.


  1. I have the same question. I don't know the answer, but do have to fight the desire to brat when I feel that way.

  2. Hi Erika! Willie posted your blog and I like to start at the beginning so I'm lurking through your posts:) This one I can relate to. I asked for this Dd thing too but when Jordan slacks off I get upset and sometimes "brat" or sometimes just decide I'm just going to do what I want to... Never takes very long for Jordan to put me back in my place. But I've been there and I will be again. If I knew why I would nt be:) I love the "I'm still learning" and what is the "stick" if you don't mind me asking?

    1. Thanks for reading. I'm still vulnerable and I'm still not sure I like that feeling. Sometimes I do when he is very attentive. When he's not, it's just awful. The "stick" was the worst implement at the time. A wooden paint stick. He has since wrapped it in electrical tape to keep the splinters away. I've learned it's not the worst implement in the world.