I finally got up enough courage to talk to him. Tell him what I knew, how I felt, how I wanted more. I guess it started out of guilt or jealousy.
He left his phone. I, being the curious jealous type that I am, had to look through the texts, the Facebook messages, everything. I didn't like what I found. I found it the wrong way. In my defense, it should never have been there to find. He was wrong, he hurt me. I reacted badly. Stomping through the house, acting like a brat, silent treatments, the whole works. I didn't talk to him. For weeks, a built up rage & frustration building. Was he leaving me? Was he cheating on me? What did these messages or other people give him that I wasn't. So, I talked to him.
Incredible guilt and no release, I searched for a way to relieve the stress. Why not a spanking. Spanking alway eased the guilt when I was a child. All was forgiven after. Punishment served. I searched for information on this. What appealed to me. Was it the wham bam it's over ma'am or was it a sexy thrill. No, it needed to be more. It needs to bring us closer together, more in unison, more in love.
I found blog after blog about DD and in reading what these women were writing, felt in my heart that I knew what they were feeling. I felt it too. My life out of control, me trying to control it with no success. I need direction. I need consequences. I need to feel close to him again. I need him to help me. I want him to help me. I'm flawed, there's no denying that. I don't need my flaws to push him away. Pushing him into another's arms.
I told him what I knew. Told him how I felt. Everything, ok almost everything, out in the open. I haven't told him how I know, haven't said those words out loud. I didn't trust you, so I searched your phone. Hard still to admit. I didn't trust him.
I asked him to do research of his own about DD. For the first time in years, we talked. Openly honestly, we talked. What I needed, why I needed it. What he wanted, why he wanted it. I feel I need him to take control back. I have too much, and I'm going to break. My faults are getting bigger, more numerous to count. We decided to give ourselves to this new life. He will take control. He will help me be the person I want to be, the woman he loves. He will take responsibility of his own actions becoming the man I fell in love with.
So list making we've started. What he wants, what I want, what needs to be corrected and how. I'm ready for this new journey. I don't know if this will be the happy ending I'm looking for or a hellish nightmare but I know we need to try. I'm ready to be the woman he deserves.
I love him!! He deserves me to be the best I can be. With his help & guidance, love & support, I will be.