Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Lacking Something

It was bound to happen sooner or later I guess.  He could not possibly go on being Mr Perfect. (Ok I totally laughed even writing that). At some point the general consistency we've been enjoying would end. It's his right to change his mind. It's at his discretion to dole out discipline. I get that. I will deal with it. 

So the set up was a few days ago I got the your attitude was out of control today speech. It was a crappy weekend, so much stuff to deal with and I let a little one annoy me (which leads to attitude towards the next person in my line of sight - guess who). Ok so the warning and the "we will talk" line but nothing really happened. A few words were exchanged but nothing really final. No forgiveness, no aftercare - just nothing. Regular maintenance the next day but nothing said of attitude. Maybe this was his grace for the weekend from hell. I easily let it go. I'm not crazy enough to say "hey, you didn't spank me for this". 

Yesterday was another morning I wish I'd never had. Unlike Monday where I was just off and needed a reset (which I got - ouch), I was just mad. I'd asked him to do something and instead he poked fun about stuff I didn't do and how was this different. Well this wasn't anything like what I don't do and frankly no adult should leave this problem for another. I never would. I ended up doing it because he wouldn't do it right anyway which made me madder. I was disrespectful at this point. I see it NOW but in that moment I was unable to see anything other than my own hurt feelings. I left for work, slammed a door or two, barely said bye and even that had the "tone".  Once at work, refused to send the "I'm at work" text.   A little while later a text that read "The way u left today was very disrespectful and demands attention tonight..."  Took me seconds to recover my mind after that and realize maybe he was right. I resigned myself to whatever would come my way. 

Nothing did, nothing has and nothing will. I don't know how to describe what I felt. Maybe a sense of abandonment. We haven't not talked about stuff in 2 months. We always talk now, good or bad. This was nothing. Not even an acknowledgment or an I changed my mind. Which he did but he could still say something. Just leaving me hanging like that hurts. I told him partially what I was feeling but not in depth. I can't go back to the not talking. The letting little things slide by. The fear of growing resentment again. I won't go back there. 

I'm trying to behave today. To be mindful of my submission. To remember he does love me. To not let these tears of frustration turn to anger and disrespect or all out defiance.   I'm not that girl anymore (most of the time anyway). 

A first hurdle in the the journey. We will jump it. We will cross over stronger than before.  We are still learning - together!!

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