Submissive or not?

As I sit here again with a sore bruised bottom, I wonder how I continue to get here. I asked for this, it should be easy. It's not!  So totally not easy. So what is wrong with me?  Why do I find it so hard to fully submit to his wishes, his rule, our rules?  Why do I find myself over and over again laid across his lap for again breaking the same rule?  

I told him recently I needed him to be more in control. I needed to be able to feel his control even when he wasn't around. I need to feel his safety net always. He agreed to give me more.  More control would mean a shorter leash more rules. It would be a bigger challenge for my submission. While I want and crave the dominance, I struggle with submission still. 

I'm not sure it's that I'm testing the boundaries?  I know those are made of stone and I won't be able to push my way through.  It's more me getting into an independent place in my head. A place I find hard to escape after so many years. I can take care of myself. I am strong. Yet, somewhere in that place, I know my submission lies. Waiting for it's chance at freedom.  

My rule breaking is a sure sign of lack of submission, not a lack of wanting it. Wanting it and doing it are on so different levels.  I'm going to master this thing. 

This weekend, he has decided to initiate a submissive day. A day full of doing only what I'm allowed to do. A day where I ask for everything I need or want. A day where the word sir will be used without fail.  A day where I do only as I am told.  A challenge I am ready to take. 

I will be the best I can be because that is what he deserves. He gives me so much, loves me deeply and wants to be with me forever.  I am such a lucky woman to have a man, a best friend who is willing to give me all I need. 

Be patient with me, I'm still learning!