Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Major Lesson Learned

I wasn't going to write about this incident but I've learned so much from it and grown so much, I thought I needed to write it down in case I forget where I came from down the line.  

Basically, it all started from a stress filled attitude problem.  It's just been crazy here lately.  Family drama eventually takes a toll on everyone and for me that means being disrespectful to the one person who justs wants to keep me happy. I totally deserved the attitude adjustment and accepted it with no problems. He put me in the corner and lectured a bit more. Upon releasing me he asked me to do something on a submissive level.  No bra for most of the day. 

(This is where it goes totally wrong)

I didn't want to do it. I didn't want any part of this punishment. I begged for him to change his mind but he stood his ground. Just looking at me with the "really?" expression on his face. He called me back across his lap for round #2. Another firm spanking for disobedience. Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to just submit to his punishment. I looked for ways to get away with not doing it.  I shut down and sat on the floor of the closet and refused to come out.  When he asked what was wrong, I tried to deny it at first but he knew. He cautioned me not to go down this road but I was stubborn and not hearing him. Maybe thirty minutes later, he relented and let me off of this punishment. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself and asked the question. "What is so hard about just doing what he asked?  Why do you need to stand so firm on this?  Is it worth it?"  Now, with tears in my eyes, I gave in to his request.   It took me some time to get there but I did submit. (I think that's important). It was too late, he didn't care. He was relieved I guess that I got there, but not how long it took me. He promised, I would pay for my disobedience later.  When later came, it was a severe spanking but it lacked something. 

The next day, still overcome with guilt and sadness, I spoke with him. I told him how I felt. That I know all was supposed to be forgiven, but it didn't feel right.  I still felt immense guilt. I felt like he was still very upset with me, like it wasn't over. He asked me to drop it and let it go but I couldn't. It wasn't over.   We talked a lot that day about what went wrong. How my actions of disobedience to him was as if I was telling him I didn't want this journey anymore. He felt my not being able to submit was way bigger than just defiance. I didn't see it that way until he brought it up. I told him for me it was more about being vulnerable around other people. Being exposed to people like that was too much for me. He understood, he promised to take that particular punishment off the table.   It was never meant to affect me so negatively emotionally. 

He always would have kept me safe no matter how exposed I felt.   This is what got me to the point of submission. Even in trouble, he would keep me safe. His only concern was for me. He warned me against disobedience for my own good. He spanked me for my own good. 

He decided to get us back on track, he would give me two more spankings.  Basically one then and one later. Both to be severe punishment spanking, both to be remembered for a good long while. (But wait, there's more). He wrote out a stricter list of rules and a daily reminder spanking starting  the next day and on for at least a week. 

I know now that I was asking him to give me 100% of himself but I wasn't willing to give him 100% of me. I told myself I was, but I wasn't really. I still wanted some sense of control. I was picking and choosing how I would be submissive.  After all the spankings, I felt better.  I felt at peace finally. I no longer want to control this. I want him to lead me. I need him to lead me. 

Today is day #3 of daily reminders and I'm not sure right now my bottom can take much more. I will not fuss or fight it. I know he's doing this for us. I know he is right. He made his decision to continue us on our journey and I will follow his lead. 

I learned a lot about myself and Fonzi. This isn't a straight and narrow path, it's a lot of work. I'm glad we are learning and growing together. 

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