Monday, May 12, 2014

The daily battle

I made it. I finished a week of daily maintenance without dying. Oh how I thought I might in the beginning but looking back, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.   I'm glad he took the time to reset our journey. My behavior almost derailed the train way too early and that would have been horrible. He loves me enough to right the wrongs and continue.  

Day 1 - no maintenance due to the fact the weekend yielded 5 (3 severe) spankings. He was sweet and gave me grace to allow my bottom a moment to recover. 
Days 2-5 - no more grace. Maintenance delivered and received. Boy was I one sore but content wife. 
Day 6 - Family visiting - no maintenance but I could  feel the brat escaping 
Day 7 - regular maintenance day but the brat escaped before maintenance. Ouch!

It was a tough week and I survived. He told me during our weekly meeting that he didn't like the daily maintenance, so it was over. He said, it felt like he was spanking me for no reason at all. I was surprised by my reaction. I told him, I deserved the spankings (gulp! Ya I said it). I had taken us to a place where he doubted I wanted to be on the journey. I didn't want to make him feel that way and I'm glad he took the reins and put us back on track. I told him how proud of him I was. How loved I felt. And as much as I didn't like the daily maintenance, I knew I was well behaved all week because of it.  I knew a misstep would not end well and on a sore bottom, it would be worse. I was more submissive, I was more his. He was in control and I let him lead. I told him how much I loved him being in control. I was/am content and happy. The incident has been well forgiven and I'm finally able to let it go. Let go of the guilt and frustration, the unhappiness of it all and just be us again.  


Now I want and crave more. I need to know he's thinking about me when we are apart. Mostly because right now, we are more apart than together. We work opposite shifts. We spend nights together - sleeping.  I want to know he cares what I say, what I eat or drink or lately what I don't eat. That keeping me safe and protected is always in his mind.   That he is truly concerned with my health and happiness.  I want him to know it's ok to set boundaries for me.  It's ok to tell me no. It's ok to control the brat when he does say no. (She will be there I'm sure).  

Sometimes, I feel he holds back not wanting to smother me with rules and enforcement. So I wait, going over the scenes in my mind. Playing out the different scenarios until I'm sure I know how it will go. Then it doesn't go anywhere at all and I'm left feeling empty again wanting him to do more.   I'm not empty, not really. Just wanting.   In my mind, I know this needs to progress at it's own pace and I cannot control it anymore than I can control the rain. Yet I push. Patience is not a strong character trait for me.  I'm too good at making the stories in my head, the fantasies, seem so appealing I can't wait for them to be real.  They seldom are.  I will wait for him.  I will follow him. He is my path & I will not stray (no matter how cute the squirrels are the forest). 

I am learning to silence the brat and follow where the path takes me. It's our journey and it might take us years but we will get there - TOGETHER!!!!  Because really there is no other happy ending than the one we make as one!!

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