Why is it so hard to tell him all that I need and want. Somehow I have no problem telling him the things I've done wrong, the things that get me in trouble but not what is beneath. The why consumes me. The wants and needs.
I've been thinking about why I constantly disobey or why I'm not feeling as submissive as I want to and I think it boils down to a desire to feel completely dominated. Like give away control and not worry about ever having to feel that way again. I don't feel like I can give up that control. Not yet. It's like some part of me still is trying to control everything and until that demon goes away, I'll be unhappy.
I don't know that it's in him to give me what I want. I don't know that his personality is to be so controlling. Protective. Maybe that's part of it too. Maybe I need him to be overly protective of me. To watch out for me always. To have my back covered at all times. To keep me safe from myself or anything else. To hold me close always and not let me wander, even if it's just my mind wandering. My mind tends to wander a lot and sometimes it doesn't come back.
Don't get me wrong. I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. I just want something on a deeper level. To feel his love when he's not near me. Some way for him to be with me 24/7. I know that my being more submissive to him, even when he's not around, will help but how do I get there if he doesn't demand me to be there.
I feel so selfish. So out of control, full of stress. I'm trying but I'm not succeeding. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not really living in this moment.
I'm lost but I'm willing to learn. I'm still on this journey as long as he's on it with me.
I know the path is still ahead of us, we've just slid off the trail for a minute.