To say I've been disrespectful and disobedient are understatements. I've done things just to do them. Said things just to say them. Why? Because I was mad and upset. I really need to control that side of me better. I need to talk through my feelings rather than hoping they show enough on my sleeves to get his attention. They never do. He knows when something is wrong but he cannot pinpoint exactly what it is it what it means.
It all started when I was playfully telling him NO but it wasn't really playful as I really didn't do what he wanted. I just didn't want to comply, I chose not to. I spent the test of the morning doing pretty much the same thing. Playfully pushing buttons I knew would make him do something. Anything! A firm warning, a swat, a look but nothing. Later, a few texts telling me how disrespectful I was and a new list of chores that had to be done or else. (I've so not finished that list yet either). The "we will talk" text mid day sent shivers down my spine.
The problem was nothing happened. He didn't get upset, no look was given, not one word of lecture or impending doom. I felt abandoned and hurt. Not that I wanted trouble but I guess I was looking for it. The next morning, nothing. The afternoon, nothing. It was as if he completely forgot ME!! I did what any brat would do, broke a few more rules and backed away from him. I became distant and unreachable. I shut down. I'd been craving the connection but didn't realize it and when it didn't come, I closed (slammed would be closer to the truth) the door.
I see it now so much more clearly than I did before. The fog has lifted and the brat has been silenced (for a while at least). I talked to him, he heard me. I don't know what the solution is or when it will come but I know he's trying. I know he still loves me.
As for the rules I broke, the things I said or did, I am deeply sorry. It was wrong, I apologize. I haven't confessed them but I will if I am asked to make an accounting of them. So far, he hasn't asked but I'm sure it's because he can guess what they are. I wasn't hiding when I did them, I won't hide from them now. (There are probably a few I hid better than others)
I'm still sitting just fine as of this writing. I'm still waiting for his final say, but I am done being a brat (for now LOL).
It's our journey, it's our path. I am learning to follow. He is learning to lead. As always, be patient with me, I'm a slow learner somedays.
I could have wrote this post myself at more than one point along the way. It's taken Steve a while to realize that when I start pushing, it's because I need him to push back. For whatever reason, I need to know he's there and is paying attention. When he backs off, or even worse, doesn't appear to notice, it really bothers me. Then I'm upset, which just feeds the brat and makes her even more determined to get a reaction. We keep going in circles until either I back down or he's had enough.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dana.
DeleteI never realize until it's over why I act the way I do. Someday, I'll figure it out before the brat gets let out.
Erika,
ReplyDeleteI'm quite amazed at the extensiveness of your blog posts. You've got a lot of thoughts here and I'd like to sort through and read them some time.
Keep up the good DD work! It hurts sometimes, emotionally and on the da cheeks, but it's for the best. Don't give up :)
Foothills
DeleteI do tend to over think or over analyze things but I need to write it down to remember. Thanks for stopping by.