To say I've been disrespectful and disobedient are understatements. I've done things just to do them. Said things just to say them. Why? Because I was mad and upset. I really need to control that side of me better. I need to talk through my feelings rather than hoping they show enough on my sleeves to get his attention. They never do. He knows when something is wrong but he cannot pinpoint exactly what it is it what it means.
It all started when I was playfully telling him NO but it wasn't really playful as I really didn't do what he wanted. I just didn't want to comply, I chose not to. I spent the test of the morning doing pretty much the same thing. Playfully pushing buttons I knew would make him do something. Anything! A firm warning, a swat, a look but nothing. Later, a few texts telling me how disrespectful I was and a new list of chores that had to be done or else. (I've so not finished that list yet either). The "we will talk" text mid day sent shivers down my spine.
The problem was nothing happened. He didn't get upset, no look was given, not one word of lecture or impending doom. I felt abandoned and hurt. Not that I wanted trouble but I guess I was looking for it. The next morning, nothing. The afternoon, nothing. It was as if he completely forgot ME!! I did what any brat would do, broke a few more rules and backed away from him. I became distant and unreachable. I shut down. I'd been craving the connection but didn't realize it and when it didn't come, I closed (slammed would be closer to the truth) the door.
I see it now so much more clearly than I did before. The fog has lifted and the brat has been silenced (for a while at least). I talked to him, he heard me. I don't know what the solution is or when it will come but I know he's trying. I know he still loves me.
As for the rules I broke, the things I said or did, I am deeply sorry. It was wrong, I apologize. I haven't confessed them but I will if I am asked to make an accounting of them. So far, he hasn't asked but I'm sure it's because he can guess what they are. I wasn't hiding when I did them, I won't hide from them now. (There are probably a few I hid better than others)
I'm still sitting just fine as of this writing. I'm still waiting for his final say, but I am done being a brat (for now LOL).
It's our journey, it's our path. I am learning to follow. He is learning to lead. As always, be patient with me, I'm a slow learner somedays.