Expectations

It's been a long time since my last post and a lot of life has been happening. While we welcomed a new grand baby (yes grand & he's perfect but I'm still not old enough),  we also had to say our good-byes to my father. That was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It was also a catalyst for a host of unrealistic expectations I placed on Fonzi.  

I expected him to hold me together, keep me from feeling the pain that I was feeling. I expected him to stay as strong as a rock not giving a second to think maybe he was grieving too. I became all about me and my needs. I needed everyone to treat me the same. To act like nothing happened but they couldn't. What changed me changed them as well. I never expected anyone else to hurt the way I hurt. Never believed they could. I was wrong. My pain caused them pain over and over again. Through it all, I expected him to "fix-it". Fix me, I was broken again. The problem was I never told him these were my expectations. I never shared any of it, how could he know?  He didn't. I lashed out for stuff he had no idea even existed. I was unfair.  

I had felt broken for a long time. It's better now. Not really easier just different. In my revelation, I realize this was not my only expectation I haven't told him. He has me write in a journal and while it's helpful for both of us, only I expect some sort of comment. Some reassurance that I've done the task to his approval, maybe an insight as to why he wanted me to journal on that topic but for him, just knowing I did it is enough. 

So today I realized how unfair this can all be. I'm committed to meeting his expectations and when I fall short, there are consequences and I gladly (ok slight exaggeration)  atone for my failings. Today's struggle is dealing with him failing my expectations. Whether real or unreal, the struggle is there. I'm committing myself to tell him my expectations of him and from there we will see if it gets better or worse. What I know and have learned is that I can't keep getting g upset and acting out because he's not meeting them. 

The journey isn't over and we are still learning. One foot forward and maybe the ability to switch on a light or two. 

When life happens

I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote. I guess I'm not really surprised but it doesn't feel like it's been this long.   Part of me has felt like I should only write about the happy fluffy stuff. The "he's been on his game and spanking me for every infraction" kind of stuff. But life isn't like that. We've been through a lot in the last few months. Family changes and lots of stress running rampant around here. 

We've had strokes & babies, school started, and we are trying to move. Finding a few minutes to ourselves has been difficult. 

What I can say is through it all, he hasn't let us down. He has been keeping us moving forward, keeping us planted firmly on our journey. 

He gifted me with a surprise trip to visit some friends.  It was an amazing weekend. Long road trip. Surprise guests. I couldn't have asked for more. I can't believe my friends kept the secret. It's always great when we get together and we don't do it often enough. 

I managed to stay out of trouble the whole weekend until the last day. I just woke up in a bad mood. No reason that I can think of & ive even tried to figure it out. NOTHING. Then I wanted him to fix me and make it go away. He didn't and I think that just made me even madder.   I realized eventually that I had no reason for my attitude and apologized.  The apology didn't get me out of trouble but I felt better doing it. It wasn't his responsibility to fix me, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. All mine.  

Since then, we've rolled along. Still learning lessons, still growing. Maybe my next post will be longer. 

The Journey continues

I've been asked enough times about the break over the last few weeks, I guess it's time for an update. 

The break he needed was short lived.  Much like the several times that I quit. He needed time to not think about what we were doing or why we were doing it. I think he needed time to just process all the stuff we'd been through. I'm not sure tho. He is a very quiet person. He keeps his feelings to himself and rarely lets anyone have a glimpse of what's inside. So as much as he needed a break, and as much as those words broke me to my core, it wasn't really a break after all. 

A day or two after his announcement, he informed me that the break was over.  I barely had time to wrap my head around the event and it was over. I'm not complaining, I was a wreck. I can't even begin to count the rules or expectations I gave up on. Would be a way shorter list of ones I didn't break. 

So over the past few weeks, we've had a few reconnection, reset spankings and several other more serious spankings. His mindset on his role in our journey is right on target of where I always wanted us to be. My role and mindset is a daily work in progress.   

What I learned from this?  I can't force him to want this. He needed to come to the conclusion on his own. It has taken several tries over these last 2 years and there may be more times yet to come. I think he realized we are better on the journey than we are off. I learned I want to be submissive. In some form, I want to give myself to him.  It may be as simple as fixing his favorite dinner and bringing him his plate, or even giving up the last piece of pie (ok maybe not the pie) but you get my point. For me, I figured out that me being submissive isn't all about the rules and expectations, it also lies within all the little things I do everyday anyway just because I want to. When I took those things away out of anger & spite, I was unhappy. Even more so than just being on break. 

This isn't a long post but I needed to write it. We are better. Everyday is an adventure on this journey and life keeps tossing in bad weather and boulders along the way.  I am sure life isn't done with is yet but everyday we are learning new ways to deal with it. 

The point is we are still learning. After two years, we are no closer to having a perfect relationship than when we started. I know, there are none, it's not possible but somehow I know there is still better to become. Together we will get better and our children & grandchildren will see a happy couple still in love after 22 years. 

Stories

Update:  The rest of the story was posted.  I hope you like it!

Most of you know, if you've read here for awhile, that I wrote a story. It's called The Sherriff and I finally decided what the hell and posted a short bit of it. If everyone wants to read the rest, I'll post it. This is just to see if anyone actually likes it.

Click on the tab next to the home button - the title of the page is the story. 

Thanks for reading the blog and if you choose, the stories as well. 

E

A Break

"A break". The two most devastating words in my life right now. 

After almost two years of DD, I'm not sure how to be anything else. I'm not sure I want to. The place we were before was so sad and lonely.  I was angry all the time. I was pushing everyone I loved away from me. I was depressed. I wasn't loveable. 

So he's not sure he wants DD anymore.  What it feels like is he isn't accepting of me or who I am. I know his decision isn't about me, it's about him and where his mind is. I'm trying to accept that but it's hard. I've told him many times how I feel and why this is important to me and he doesn't respond. He doesn't share what he wants or what he feels. I never know. I'm shut out right now. 

I don't want to be his roommate. I don't want to go back to the way it was before. The me before!  I'm so confused. So lost.   

When did we take this detour?  Who set up this road block?  How & when do we find the road back to happy and content?  

Driving

I've been thinking about why I want to be submissive to him, only him. The more I think about it, and read different definitions of it, I realize I'm not as submissive as I want to be. I can't break through the tough independent woman I have been forever without feeling guilty. 

I drive everywhere. Literally and figuratively. I drive to get where I'm going, to get people where they need to go, errands and whatever. I also drive me.  I drive myself to control the chaos in my life. I try to make everyone else happy and in doing so I've given all of me to everyone else for as long as I can remember. I've always been the grown up one, more mature, more common sense, more smarts than the others. People come to me for advice and often I have some good stuff.  The advice I give them, I can't give myself. I wish I could.  I take care of everyone, it's time to take care of me. For this, I'm called selfish. 

I don't need to rely on anyone. I can do this all myself. I have done it all myself. I've been driving in my world and I've finally run out of gas. I want to give my submission so that I can please only one person, instead of everyone. So he can help me control who gets my time and attention. So he can help me drive. 

I don't think it's selfish to not want to drive anymore. Yet I feel guilty that I want to be driven instead. I want to sit back and relax on the journey instead of worrying about how or when we will get there.  

I'm better since starting this adventure but I still need and want more.  It's not a secret to myself or him that my submission requires his dominance. Here's the major guilty part. I feel like I'm asking for someone he isn't wanting to give. I don't think he wants to drive. I don't know if he's ready to continue on our adventure.  He's not consistent in enforcing the rules.  I'm definately not very submissive in following them. How can either of us succeed in our roles?  Why would either of us want to?

I don't have any answers. I know I'm tired of driving but if I don't drive, I get nowhere. I know I can't sit in the car waiting for someone to turn on the music or take the car out of park.  I'm lost and I don't know how to get back on track. 

I QUIT!!

A couple weeks ago I cried for no reason during a seemingly normal event. I didn't want it to ruin our future but it did. I never blamed him for what happened but somewhere along the way I guess he blamed himself. I still don't know what caused it, I guess even after 2 weeks we will never know what it really was. It just was. I tried to move past it, I did move beyond it with the help of my friends. Unfortunately, he was frozen in that space of fear and the unknown. 

I'm often told (because I'm hard headed and don't listen) that in order for him to lead, I need to give him a reason to. In my defense, let me say I needed to get past this issue. Needed the closure, needed him to, well, lead.  I was so lost in my needs that I never fully understood his.  He wasn't talking,meant leading, wasn't anything. He avoided me for days, ignored my blatant attempts to find trouble, basically shut down and quit operating. 

The more he retreated into his shell, the more I found myself lost. It's a jungle out there and I no longer had a map. So I did what any self respecting brat would do - I quit!  I gave up.   

I couldn't continue the mascarade of wanting a lifestyle he was incapable of giving me. I put everything away. Out fm sight, out f mind. I refused to speak of DD, refused to follow the rules (not that I was following them anyway). If DD was coming back, it would be his decision. I wouldn't push, I wouldn't explain why I was right (I'm always right - right?) about this lifestyle being right for us. I quit!

I was stressed from the holiday. Too much happening all at once. I didn't need the chaos but there it was all around. I was over whelmed, lost and out f control. I had spiraled so far down there was no up anymore. Once I decided to push DD out of my life, quit being dependent on it, I realized I was unhappy again. Still, I quit.  

Then yesterday, a text. I was told to have his dinner ready and be waiting for him when he got home.  Which I did but still he didn't talk to me. Ate in silence, staring at his computer screen.  By bedtime his tone changed and he was no longer lost and afraid. 

He told me how he'd failed to lead & how I had also failed to submit.  He set me in the corner to contemplate. He was putting us back on track. He never gave up, he just couldn't see the path. He asked me why I hid (put away) the implements. I told him I had quit, I couldn't continue to push this if he wasn't willing or able to continue. I wanted the next step to come from him and not having that stuff around wouldn't influence his decision. He understood but said I should have talked to him first. 

So he spanked me. It wasn't horrible and honestly could have been worse. We reconnected and all the rules are being enforced and I'll be held accountable again.  I'm encouraged and content.  My quitting was short lived and all things DD related have been returned to their cabinet as instructed. 

The journey isn't all easy and we learn from each event. It's not always the event we learn from. Sometimes it's the way we dealt with the event or each other. It's been 20 months on this road and we are still learning and growing. We still have a lot t learn but at least I know he's willing to learn and grow with me. 

What is wrong with me?

Something happened yesterday that emotionally drained me and left me feeling completely empty. I still can't explain what happened and the why isn't becoming clearer. It left Fonzi in such a state, he didn't know how to deal with me or the situation. Needless to say, I'm writing out of confusion and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.   Sorry if you can't follow or it's not my typical type of post but hey it's my blog, I'm being true to me. 

So yesterday after being apart all day, he tells me he wants to visit the bedroom. Usually a bad sign for my butt except I was not in trouble. The would be one of the fun trips to the bedroom. Ok I'm up for that. He wasn't overly dominant, I wasn't anywhere near submissive but hey, sex is sex and I'll take it. He had a paddle (well a light saber looking thing) but he wasn't using it. Nothing unusual going on, nothing new. Sex was good, like really good. I was relaxed, it was nice. Again nothing unusual.   Until it was. I readjusted my position which my now dominant hubby took offense at. He pulled my hair, yelled at me that I don't get to move unless I ask. I apologized but it was too late. I was in full on sobbing tears. 

Let me state, nothing was unusual except the tears. I've never cried before. He's pulled my hair, he's lectured me for moving.  He's swatted me for less. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't damaged in any way but I was crying. The ugly full sobs runny nose kind of crying. In my head I tried to rationalize it, make myself stop. Try as I may, I couldn't figure out why it started so making it stop was impossible.   He asked why I was crying and I said I don't know. I honestly didn't know. I still don't.   He freaked out. He didn't know if he'd hurt me, he was as lost as I was.   So now we are both sitting there after not knowing what to do. 

Emotionally I was empty. I wasn't feeling anything. I sat on the edge of he bed and while the crying stopped, I wasn't ok. I still have trouble explaining how I felt even to myself (& I was there). It was at this point surreal. Like I wasn't really there. I just sat. 

He eventually asked what he could do for me. I asked simply to be held. I know he was freaked because at this point he would grab me full bear hug and just hold me until I was struggling to be freed. He kinda side armed me. That really didn't help my lost and empty feeling but it was better than him walking away and leaving me there by myself.   It's a lesson we had to learn the hard way. 

So even tho I don't know why there were tears and I've had some maybe sorta ideas.  Like we weren't really in a full on Dom/sub mindset when he suddenly switched, it was too much too fast and it triggered tears. That's really my only idea, the rest didn't even make sense in my own head, no sense putting them on paper. Anyway, the point is, no I don't know why there were tears, but I know what I needed after. I didn't then, he didn't either and we struggled all night because of it. What I needed at that moment, when I needed to be held, I needed to be cuddled deeply and loved until I couldn't be held anymore. Maybe it would have been short, maybe I would have fallen asleep in his arms but I needed to feel safe in that moment. I needed my happy spot. Snuggled tightly, big heavy arms wrapped around me in an embrace that would normally suffocate me. I needed him. My rock, my center, my everything. 

I've told him he needs to hold me better next time and I hope he can read this and see I'm not making this about his failure. It's not about failure, it's about learning. It's about moving past whatever this was and growing. No, we don't know what caused it.  It may happen again. What we learned was what I need to get through it. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. We are perfect for each other. 

We are still learning, still growing and still moving forward. At least with all these new experiences, he will never get bored with me. 

Writing

I've thought a lot lately about writing. Different ways I am made to write, what I'm made to write, why I'm made to write and why other people write what they write.  That's a lot of writing questions.  I know why I write.  I write as a release of emotions. It's almost therapeutic for me - cleansing. 

I've been asked to write answers to questions he's given me. This for him is a way to see if I know what it is I did or want and why I want or did these things. He's asked me what I get out of this lifestyle and what I think he gets. I thought a long time about that one and almost didn't answer the question.  The thing is sometimes what's in my head can't make its way out onto the page. I get so totally overwhelmed that I shut down.  Like most things when I'm inside my head, I can't manage to fight my way out. But he demanded I answer the question and wouldn't let me off without it getting done. Once I started, the ideas came flooding out and there it all was written down. He was pleased and I was happy again.  I'd done it. I wrote to please him and in doing so pleased us both. Cheap therapy.

Recently he asked me to write a story about a couple in a DD relationship and how I saw the HOH as being in charge. What I wanted in an HOH is what he wanted to read. He expected it to be a quick story, a short story. Boy was he wrong. It ended up being a novella that took almost 5 months to write. What I learned from writing it is there really only is fantasy and reality and no matter how much I tried to fuse the two, they are still just that. Yes the characters to me are real, I created them but they will never be real real. I'm ok with that. It's a damn good story - even if I don't let anyone read it. (I haven't decided). As much as I wanted him to be my perfect HOH, he will never be. I already have the perfect HOH for me. I do hope he reads it and finds himself in the character.   I feel better having written it and I think that's part of the lesson he wanted me to learn. When I am focused on writing, the chaos of the world melts away and for a while I am there, in the story, calm and at peace. 

I wonder if people who write lines or essays feel anything when they are made to write. I'm sure they learn a lesson, or why bother, but does it make them feel anything?  I'm thankful he makes me write things that have purpose.  Lines would drive me insane. I'd feel something alright but it wouldn't be positive. 

Which brings me to the point of my post. Really there was a reason for all this. The other day he asked me to write a pledge. An oath of sorts to recite to him every morning. A DD mantra just for us. Something that meant something to us and only us. I found this overwhelming and couldn't start thinking of it.  I searched the web for help, there had to be someone else doing this. I found nothing. No hope of hints, no clue as to what he wanted and the deadline loomed like a big grey cloud about to dump a whole heap of nasty on my bottom. I got encouragement from a friend who told me to write from my heart. Using his guide p, I quickly wrote some words on the page. Short simple and us!  (I do have to memorize this after all - long was not an option). I did it, I wrote it & it felt really good. He read it, he liked it and so it becomes a part of my daily routine. 

I pledge to try my best to be a good faithful submissive wife. To honor and obey.  To follow where you lead even when I disagree. To accept your word or consequences in the loving trusting manner in which you give it. I pledge to be yours!

As with anything TTWD, find what makes you happy and use the tools you create together along the way.  The tools will change, the journey will evolve and become so much more than you imagined. As long as you stay together in your goals, all will be right in your world.  I write to bring myself joy and peace. He asks me to write because he knows I find solace there. I find myself there and sometimes I need to be found. 

We are still learning, sill growing and for once residing on the same page.   

I cried

I cried when you left today

Saddened by my loss

I thought you'd want to talk to me

But apparently I was wrong

You find the time for other things

But not the time for me

I'm scared you're not as into us

I should just let it be

I count the minutes hours we're apart

The time it takes to see you

The moments in my heart

I need you right beside me

Fighting all the way

To make us strong and happy

Laughing through the day

I cried today you left me

Alone and all unsure

I know that you'll come back to me

But the world is all a blur


I found this on my phone today. I wrote it several weeks ago when we were at such a low point. Honestly he quit talking to. He said he didn't have anything to say.   I was lost and confused.   He had gone to work that day without kissing me or saying goodbye.   I cried for hours. 

Part of the problem was me. I had to much pride to tell him what was wrong with me. I was breaking all the rules, I was withdrawn and disrespectful.   I couldn't tell him what I really needed was him. I needed him to talk to me, to want me again. I was hating that his job was coming in between us. I was feeling slighted when he didn't have time for me. It seemed, to me at least, he had time for everyone else.  I couldn't talk to him and when I did, I was a blubbering ball of disrespect. 

We took off that weekend. One day retreat, just us.  We went away. Had an adventure. I tried desperately to get him to open up to me.  I wanted him to start a conversation. To tell me what was wrong.   He never did. Not like I wanted but I realized something. What I wanted wasn't what he could give.   I had to change my perspective.   I started talking. I told him all the things that were bothering me. I told him how I felt. I didn't point fingers, didn't assign blame. Just talked. He listened. He's great at listening. Sometimes I don't even really think he's paying attention, but he's listening. 
It took a long time but he finally began to respond. He let me know some of the things that were bothering him.   We came to an agreement of sorts.   I need to calmly rationally tell him how I feel and he needs to not shut down on me.   

I know now it's ok to communicate my feelings. Even though I start a conversation, it doesn't mean I'm leading. It means only that I had something to say before it became a problem.  It's not a perfect solution but I know he cares.   

That night forgiveness was given. There was peace again and contentment where it had been missing for so long. I've since been able to let him know when I was feeling off.  For me to notice and let him know without being a complete brat, that's progress. Slow and steady, we will continue on the journey that is TTWD. 

I'm still learning and growing. What else can we ask for?

Fixing me

So I've been off a lot more lately than usual. I've spent an extraordinarily long time trying to figure out why I keep ending right back where I started.  The circle is never ending. I think I get it all figured out but then life comes along and shows me I really didn't figure anything out. Each time I learn something new but I haven't solved anything.  So while I'm lost, I know I'm not going too far. 

After a year and a half I thought I would have mastered this lifestyle but instead I'm just as in need of fixing as I was when I started. Biggest difference is I know now that he can't fix me. Oh sure he can prod me in the right direction and help me see what it is I want but he can't fix me.  I'm better than I was. I know now when I need special attention. I still can't ask for it, but I recognize when I need the reset. I'm learning what my triggers are. Slowly but surely, he's learning what my triggers are. Stress and chaos are still the biggest triggers and figuring out how to slow those down before they explode is in itself a ball of stress and chaos. (Back to those circles)  

Lately we've been in an on and off again DD lifestyle. The off cycle isn't nearly as off as it used to be and the on is amazing. When it's on, it's not forced anymore. It just kind of happens and it's perfect. 

In a nutshell, we are still learning. We will never know it all. All we can do is figure it out together. 

In the rest of my world, things and people still make me wonder about the things I say.  Again I say this, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am who I am. If you don't like me, that's ok but you have no reason to be aggressive towards me. I have fun and enjoy a warped sense of humor. I find things funny where most find it serious. That's me. Love me, like me or leave me alone. 

                   

Not done yet

It's been a long time since I wrote the last post. I'm not sure I'm beyond the confused feelings of my last post but I do know we are still sailing along. 

What did we do to get back on track?  We TALKED. I know right. Such a concept. I had to get past the fact that you quiet non communicating husband wasn't going to start a conversation about where we were. I swallowed my pride, bit the bullet and asked to talk. What I heard was distressing and confusing even more than I was before. What he was feeling was the same as I was. He also wondered why I wanted this but couldn't follow simple rules.  How could I need this and not want to at the same time. He basically was frustrated with my inconsistency.   GASP!!  Now I'm even more confused.  How could he possibly think I was in any way at fault for any of this?  

So we talked and we talked some more. Then we got back on track. That part wasn't much fun for me but after there was the peace and harmony that I had been longing for.  I'm still confused but I know I need to try just as hard as he is.

Fast forward a few more weeks. 

I went on a short vacation where he was unable to go with me.  During my absence he recharged his HOH batteries and we are now almost as good as we ever were. If I had thought our previous back on track spankings were severe, I learned how wrong I was. I'm not sure how or where he got ideas from but it seemed that everything I wanted him to figure out, he did. He's got the restraint part down and he push a few limits he hadn't gone close to in forever. Needless to say, I didn't sit well for a few days. He told me I had gotten what I had been needing for quite some time. (Don't tell but I was glad he finally stepped up and did what needed doing without fear of me getting upset or mad. I had to agree, it was what I needed)  I may still be confused about the path we are on, but I'm content and happy where we are. 

It's a bumpy road and we are still learning to navigate the trail.  As long as we do it together, I will be happy. 

Are we done?

I'm not sure yet where I'm going with this post. I feel I'm at a crossroad of sorts. I find myself not understanding my own feelings, my own desires, wants and needs. I'm so conflicted all the time. I want this, yet I struggle to obtain it. Is it out of habit? Is it something different completely?  Does my heart not understand my mind or is my mind unwilling to yield to my heart. Do I not understand exactly what I really want or need?

I'll start with what I know (could be a short list)

I need the discipline

I need the structure

I crave the dominance 

I need the peace and harmony  

I'm better with these things

What I don't know

Everything else

Why do I want him to understand that when he's in control, I'm better- more relaxed, centered, calm. Why can't I explain this in a way that he gets it. Why don't I understand he doesn't get it. I'm left confused lonely & out of sorts. Even the brat is so lost she has been unheard of lately. I'm beyond that. I'm so far past breaking a rule to get attention. Now I just don't follow the rules and don't care if he notices. I've almost given up. 

I know he loves me. I know I should hold tight to what I want and need. He will come around. I have to do my part. Be a martyr for my cause because that is what will get me past this lull. I've heard the advice. Hell I've given it. Right now it's a distant thunder in my ears. I hear it but it's not reaching the inner most places of my heart because my mind is in constant over drive. I need to quiet the voices in my head. I need to still the waters again so I can swim to safety. 

My life boat hasn't said much to me. Hasn't noticed I'm in distress. Hasn't turned back around to pluck me from the depths of the ocean. Maybe my life boat is sinking too. Am I too caught up in my own storm to see that? Is it possible that he is in his own storm?  Am I so selfish I don't see his fears & desires?   My mind says yes, you're selfish. My mind says he can't do this and all you're doing is pushing him away again. Let it go. 

I know I don't want to be the angry bitter woman I was before. I want to be happy. Even a selfish brat deserves a little bit of happiness. 

I'm still learning   I hope to continue to learn. I hope he is willing to lead me and love me through the storm!

Devastated no more!

I've stayed away from my blog out of fear. Not that I didn't want or need to say stuff, I couldn't. I had told myself that I could be hurt again if I posted, if I let myself open up to that raw emotion again, my little blog world could crumble and my self confidence would crumble with it.

Ok well, I'm done being afraid. I need this place to figure out my feelings and emotions, so no more fear of someone knocking down my castle of solitude. This is my place after all, and if you don't like it, well move on. (Seriously, I hope you like it tho. And want to stick around. I'm not really that tough)

So here's my newest ramble

Since my last post, we celebrated our first year of DD and our 21st wedding anniversary. 

The DD has had its ups and downs, which I've come to find normal in this lifestyle. The marriage (which no one said would survive) has been steady and rock solid lately. No more doubts that he is leaving, no more fear (that word again) I will be old and alone. We are good!!

On the DD front, we have been on the on/off again path. No big secret there. I've noticed where I'm changing and it's good. I'm not quick to anger or brat. I'm comfortable letting him lead and being in control. 

The other day I did something I didn't think was a big deal (or didn't do)  It's a small rule, something just between us.  He asked why I hadn't followed through on it & my only response was that I simply had not made the time.  He didn't say much.  I resumed my morning.  He sat up in the bed and grabbed one of his favorite implement (the evil paint stick to be exact - not the oar). When I asked what this was for, he looked sad.  He told me he was disappointed in me. He said when I don't follow through with the little things we agreed to, it's like I didn't find the time for him.

Wow!  I wasn't expecting that response.  I'm glad he did it.  He is finally taking care of disruptions of our balance when they occur.  I found peace after that.  There was no time for cuddling but I was safe and secure in the knowledge that he cared for me, for us.  I'm happy.  We are happy. I am truly remorseful that I disappointed him in that way.  I will be more careful in letting the little things slide.

We are good.  Learning to take the journey together.  Ready to let him lead.  

I'm done being afraid of everything.  I'm done letting people control who I am or who I want to be.  With one exception.  My self confidence is growing again.  I'm safe.  I know he will protect me.  My doubts are fading, my fears diminished.   I'm back.  You have been warned.  LOL

Devastated

I've never really posted about my world outside of my relationship with Fonzi and our journey with DD, but this is my place to wite what is on my mind and try to work through my feelings. So here goes, raw emotions to follow.

It's no secret I have found a community, a family, a place online where I have felt safe to share my views, my life, my deepest dartpkest secrets and fears.  A place where I could just be me and people accepted it. A place where I could share advice and ideas for everything from cooking to this journey we are on.  I was happy here chatting with friends, making new friends and just being me. What I didn't realize was just how much happy I had wrapped up in that world. How intertwined reality and virtual had become. 

I am who I am, I base my advice on where I am emotionally, physically and pure heartfelt experience. I've never been blindsided like this before. I do not wear a bullet proof vest when I chat, I'm not protected. I am extremely cautious but I wear my heart on my sleeve unguarded, always have. I feel that's a part of me I wanted to share with others and I give more of me than anyone really knows. Everything I've ever done has had someone else's well being ahead of my own. However, I've been injured deep inside my core and I'm not sure I'll be the same. I never saw this threat coming. I didn't have time to prepare. Now I'm devastated and don't know I want to go back. My happy place will be will with doubt and hurt. I'm hurt. I didn't mean to cause anyone any damage. My words of advice come from my own experience. Good, bad or ugly. It was not my intention to do any perceived harm. I don't think I did. I feel still, even after all this, my opinion is mine to share. You do not have to agree, I am not perfect. Never claimed I was. 

I won't give many details, that's not why I'm writing this. My advice and intent was questioned. I feel personally attacked and right now as I type this, I do not want to go back to that place.  I want to withdrawal from everything and find my center again.   I've made great friends who are supporting me like I never thought anyone would. I know I'm loved. This is kinda like being in one of those comas where you know what's going on but you just can't make yourself wake up and be involved.   Don't count me out just yet, but currently I've pretty much lost the will to survive in my happy safe world. I need to see if I can be myself without it. 

What do I get out of DD?

Ok so this post isn't about me.  I was asked to answer that question for Fonzi.  What did I think he should be getting out of this dynamic.  I pondered this for a while.  If he didn't know what he was getting, how am I suposed to tell him what I thouht he should get.  Well frankly, I'd not put much thought into it.  I just kinda thought he got what I got.  So here is how I answered his question.

I know you don't want the cookie cutter answers but I do think those are the best place to start.  You get peace & harmony in the household.  The better communication, a deeper connection, a better more meaningful cohesive us.  We get to be friends again, companions, lovers.   Things we've been missing for a long time.

You gt a way to deal with me.  To forgive an let go.  No more hiding behind anger or frustration.  You get to help me be better, for me & for us.  You get a wife who is at peace, content with the world instead of trying to control the chaos.  You get a happier, well adjusted (most of the time anyway) me. 

You get a cleaner house.  Though not perfect, it's better than a few years ago.

You get final say, for us, for me and for our family.

I hope you get peace and contentment.  I hope you've found love and friendship again.

So that was my answer.  It's not a great answer to his question and I still hope he finds out what he gets from DD without me telling him.  I love him and I want him to feel the same benefits I do.  Our path has not unwound itself yet and I think we may have made a few circles around the same tree, but I know the decision was right to go down this road.

Feeling Special??

I want to feel special.  I want to be told I'm special.  That kind of special that brings a sparkle to his eyes at the mere mention of your name.  Or may bring a smile to his face when you walk in the room.  I want that feeling.  I want to know I still hold some kind of magic with him, with us.

When we started on the adventure, I felt special.  Little things he did or said.  He would open my car door for me or make sure my car was full of gas.  He would hold my hand as we walked through the store.  I felt like he wanted to be around me.  He talked to me about stuff, everything really.  These things have faded, I'm not feeling that special connection.

Maybe the connection lost is my fault.  I gave him the ability to control.  Control everything including me.  Control of  my accountability.  Control of my day to day.  Problems is, he doesn't control all of me.  He wants to & I want to let him but there is that little bit he hasn't mastered yet.  With that comes an opening.  An opening I take full advantage of. 

I guess to feel special, I need to let him know I am special by doing the things he's asked.  I need to control that one little part of me that he hasn't quite mastered yet.   Maybe he doesn't open car doors anymore because I've somehow let him know it isn't necessary.  Maybe it's too late for that one.
I'm not complaining, I'm venting in that "woe is me" kind of mood.  I asked for this, I want/need this and I'm the one fighting the process. 

Ok, so I haven't quite mastered this submission or rule thing but I never claimed to be perfect.  I only need to be perfect enough for me but especially him.  The struggle continues and after 10 months, I do not have all the answers yet.  I guess we will continue on our journey until we reach a finish line.

UPDATE

This was probably the first blog that he actually said something about.  He said to me:  You are special but I want to be special too.  I thought at first it wasn't about the blog but he made sure later I knew later it was all about the blog.  This blog upset him.  Basically, because he felt I was asking for things I was unwilling to give in return.  I did admit that it was mostly my fault.  I havn't been subissive or following the rules as I should.  I know I need to hold up my end of the bargin.  I wanted to apologize to him for not making him feel special.  This journey is for both of us and we both must do what we can to make the other realize how much they mean to us.  I've been somewhat better, not perfect but better.  The path has had a few rock in the way but we are still moving forward.

Letting go (or not!)

After 8 months, I thought I would be more submissive than I am, thought I would be perfect but I am far from perfect. I am far from most of the things I envisioned in the beginning. We have gone through another rough patch. This time a medical issue interfered with discipline. I made it impossible and he shut down or at least I thought he did. 

I'm not sure this was all my fault this time. I know I broke every rule, pushed every boundary and expected a reaction of some kind. He knew what I was doing and refused to react. 

What I know now is that I still have trouble letting him lead, letting him guide us through the rough patches. I can't let go. I still try to control everything by being a brat. By pushing and reacting. 

To his credit, he refuses to give in to my childish behavior. He leads by being calm and assertive in the face of adversity. He reigns me in when it's possible. He does have control, quietly watching and making notes. He never let me get away with anything, he just refrained from discipline until the issue was all cleared. 

We are back on track.  The path has been cleared of obstacles and we are steady making progress again.  The journey is difficult but worth every moment. I have another meeting in a few hours and even though I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not complaining or dreading it.  I'm looking forward to being on the right path with the man of my dreams. 

I'm learning.  I'm not perfect and it's ok!  I'm happy and loved!!

Electric fences

The electric fence or invisible fence is a great deterrent when it's working. The trouble is they often fail in extreme storms and never work during power failure.  

I've decided the rules are like that electric fence. When they are enforced, like the fence, they deliver a strong negative force you'd think twice to go near again. When they aren't enforced, it's as if the fence is lacking power. You know it's there, but when tested, nothing negative occurs. No jolt to bring you back to the proper side of things. 

We've been in our own little storm today. Forces outside our own creating a tornado of angry and hurt feelings.  Not at each other but at this particular force. I guess we all have them. Problem is, the fences are down. I've tested them. (I see you rolling your eyes at me but it had to be done). I'm stressed, unhappy by these events and feeling unloved and unwanted. (The un's). I hate these feeling more than the thought of trouble I'm causing myself. The storm has knocked out power to my fence. All attempts to cross boundaries have been successful so far today. 

I know this storm will pass. We get to spend all day tomorrow storm free but I'm not sure the fence will be mended in time. How long will it take to mend the fence this time?  I'm not feeling as strong as I was once and I need him to be solid in the storms.  

Ugh - I dislike feeling this vunerable and needy sometimes. I just want to be held and sheltered. I want him to be my umbrella not shivering in the cold wet rain with me. 

This journey will continue, the path goes on. This time I'm bringing waders!!  I'm learning to endure through the mud and muck. 

I think he had a virus

We spent a couple weeks in funk land.  We've now settled safely on the other side or somewhere close at least.  I'm not sure we are fully safe on dry land but I'm sure our feet can at least touch solid ground.   So I guess it's time to write about those feelings.  I may ramble, oh please, when don't I?  Be patient, I'm sure there's a moral to the story in here somewhere.

So in case you're just dropping into this blog and missed a few entries (what really? Go back and read them - we'll wait), I will tell you that life got in the way a few weeks ago and we've struggled to get back.  Some disturbing news at the doctor led me to pointing accusing fingers and fighting the one person who was trying to help.  He didn't know how to cope with all those emotions and I think he was being drained by my emotional overload.  We also moved and got one of the little people ready to head off to the big bad world.  Needless to say, I was a basket case.

What I needed was a firm hand.  A solid rock to plant my feet on safely above the water line.  I was left drowning instead.  I fought hard but emotionally I couldn't bring myself to safety.  I needed him, I wanted him to be there.  When he wasn't, I shut him out completely.  

I think this is where he caught this virus.  His walls couldn't withstand the pressure I was putting on him and so with his defenses down, he shut down all means of communication between us.  DD stopped.  He stopped trying to help us.  He wasn't leading.  I sure as heck wasn't following.  I broke rules because I was mad, because I was lost, mostly because I was scared.  This virus, a lot like the flu but for the HoH, left him unable to fulfill his role as a husband, a leader, a friend.  He was drained.  He blamed me.  He said I wasn't doing what I needed to do, so why should he.  I must not have wanted this anymore.  That's how I was acting.  He quit leading & started blaming.

Ok, so we both can't be blaming each other.  One of us had to lead us out of the turmoil.  It was horrible.  I never saw any of this as my fault.  I blamed him for everything.  I blamed him for the bad news at the doctor, for our baby growing up and leaving, for making us move, for not doing more.  I was asking more more more and giving nothing in return.  

It hit me - OMG this might be my fault.  I might be the reason he doesn't love me anymore.  Shock & awe, I wanted badly to snap out of it.  I couldn't.  It's not a light switch you can flip and everything gets better.  Depression doesn't work that way (oh I wish it did).  I had to try to explain.  Tears filled my apology and I'm not really exactly sure I even said "I'm sorry".  I told him how I needed him to catch me when I was falling and that he wasn't there.  He let me fall into this pit of despair by thinking that I needed the time and space for myself.  I needed him to help lead me out of the darkness but he let me wander.  I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but it was his fault too.  

We did have a good talk. (It was just a talk that night)  I asked him to be the leader even when he thought I needed space to myself.  That in those times, I needed and wanted him to help snap me out of that place.  I didn't like being in that place any more than he liked me being there.  He's agreed to help me more in those situations.  (hmmmm brat beware!!!) 

It took some time for him to find his mojo after all this.  I guess when you get a bad flu it just takes time to recover.  It's been a slow process but I think he's almost completely healed.  He's reiterated the rules and expectations and has told me in no uncertain terms that he will deal with things as they come up.  No more waiting.  Tested that theory once already & didn't like the outcome.  He's still working on consistency again.  It's not where it once was but I'm sure as fast as he learned once, his recovery from this virus will be just as speedy.

We are still learning.  We haven't given up our journey and there are no roads leading back from where we came.  We will be stronger as we will be together.  Be patient with me, I'm not there yet!!