Our special day

I had it coming. I knew it was coming. I did not enjoy waiting for it. 

I couldn't talk to him about what I was feeling. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was hurting & he was causing it. Instead I tried to get his attention anyway I could. To say I was a brat would be an understatement. I was acting out, talking back, being disobedient. I think I broke every rule (some twice). I also tried doing nice things, considerate things, submissive feeling things. He noticed the bad stuff and barely made mention of the good. Well at any rate, I got his attention.   

We had planned an outing. Just the two of us. It was, in the beginning, a weekend but turned into one day because he had to work. (Brat reason but no excuse) I was really looking forward to our day. A movie, lunch, a casino trip, dinner and a hotel. We never get to do stuff like that alone. We haven't had a date in years. 

We woke up and he asked if I was ready to start our day. I so was but he had other early morning plans. My time had run out and it was time to pay the price for being an insufferable brat for the last few days. I wanted to plead that it was our day but he wouldn't have listened. I instead complied and went across his lap. I swear there was no warm up. His hands were like steel. It lasted forever. He misplaced his stick and continued harder with his hand. Usually I'm grateful for the hand only spanking but this was unlike any before. I wanted it to stop. It did, he rubbed my back while I calmed down and then he found that silly stick and started again. I think there were 4 different sessions between the stick and his hand. I will not be acting like a brat anytime soon. 

And so our real day started. First a movie. (Ever sat still that long on a sore bottom - OMG it was horrible). The rest of the day went without a hitch. I stayed out of any more trouble. 

He found a new implement a a fishing store of all places. An 18" oar. Who would have thought a fishing store would be dangerous to take an HOH. I might need to rethink his anniversary gift. LOL

                                    It really is as  menacing &awful as it looks!!

It was a good day. I'm glad we had the time to connect as husband and wife, best friends, & lovers. 

It was also Sunday. Maintenance day. Just because I'd been spanked once didn't mean he would throw off our regular schedule. I tried - believe me - to convince him otherwise. He wanted to try out his new oar.  Try he did. That thing is as horrible as you can imagine it to be. Heavy large & stings like no other. Well I don't want to revisit it anytime soon. I've been good for 2 whole days. I might actually make it to reminder day without a discipline spanking this week. Crazier things have happened.  

I'm finally learning!!!  Maybe, but there's still plenty to learn. Together, we will learn. Together, we take this journey. 

Small Victories

So finally something to write because I feel like it and not because I got in trouble again.  Not that I didn't mind you, I'm just not writing about that today.  

To say we've had a few weeks from hell would be an understatement.  Some of these things will continue for another month due to circumstances beyond our control.  It's difficult but in these hard times, I've found some small victories and I need to write them down so as not to forget how far we've come on this journey.

Our Journey, our life now as opposed to before, had been a great tool to lead us on a path to our future.  Whether it's DD, TTWD or D/s I'm not sure.  Most likely some combination of everything and I know that is ok because it is ours.  It's our Journey.  No one else has to take this path but us.

So onto the victory part.  In and amongst all this strife, there are changes that I can see and feel.  I have a temper, the occasional bad attitude and a general laziness when it comes to housework.  Since our journey began, I can feel a peace like I've not felt in years.  The flare ups from the temper have settled, the attitude is lessened and I have chores.  I'm not there yet, but it's a good start.  Before the journey, I would have bit the heads off whoever came close to me when I was in this place of stress and things that I could not control.  Even yesterday, when things felt at their worst, I did not go into full melt down, full out attitude mode.  I let him guide me, ever so swiftly, to peace and control.  I came out ok.  For once, I did not feel as though I would drown in self pity and despair.  He has brought me to the shore of tranquility.  

He's changed to and I think that is my biggest victory.  He wears his seat belt in the car.  I never thought in a million years, I would get him to voluntarily wear a seat belt.  He shows me he loves me every day.  The fear of him leaving is gone.  He's in control.  He no longer does things that I feel drive a wedge into our existence together.  

The best victory is I'm happy again.  I feel loved and wanted.  I no longer worry about the little stuff because I don't have to.  I'm able to trust again.  I no longer have that horrible case of the "un's".  

It's our journey, we will take it together.  We will learn, we will grow and we will be better because of it.  

Lacking Something

It was bound to happen sooner or later I guess.  He could not possibly go on being Mr Perfect. (Ok I totally laughed even writing that). At some point the general consistency we've been enjoying would end. It's his right to change his mind. It's at his discretion to dole out discipline. I get that. I will deal with it. 

So the set up was a few days ago I got the your attitude was out of control today speech. It was a crappy weekend, so much stuff to deal with and I let a little one annoy me (which leads to attitude towards the next person in my line of sight - guess who). Ok so the warning and the "we will talk" line but nothing really happened. A few words were exchanged but nothing really final. No forgiveness, no aftercare - just nothing. Regular maintenance the next day but nothing said of attitude. Maybe this was his grace for the weekend from hell. I easily let it go. I'm not crazy enough to say "hey, you didn't spank me for this". 

Yesterday was another morning I wish I'd never had. Unlike Monday where I was just off and needed a reset (which I got - ouch), I was just mad. I'd asked him to do something and instead he poked fun about stuff I didn't do and how was this different. Well this wasn't anything like what I don't do and frankly no adult should leave this problem for another. I never would. I ended up doing it because he wouldn't do it right anyway which made me madder. I was disrespectful at this point. I see it NOW but in that moment I was unable to see anything other than my own hurt feelings. I left for work, slammed a door or two, barely said bye and even that had the "tone".  Once at work, refused to send the "I'm at work" text.   A little while later a text that read "The way u left today was very disrespectful and demands attention tonight..."  Took me seconds to recover my mind after that and realize maybe he was right. I resigned myself to whatever would come my way. 

Nothing did, nothing has and nothing will. I don't know how to describe what I felt. Maybe a sense of abandonment. We haven't not talked about stuff in 2 months. We always talk now, good or bad. This was nothing. Not even an acknowledgment or an I changed my mind. Which he did but he could still say something. Just leaving me hanging like that hurts. I told him partially what I was feeling but not in depth. I can't go back to the not talking. The letting little things slide by. The fear of growing resentment again. I won't go back there. 

I'm trying to behave today. To be mindful of my submission. To remember he does love me. To not let these tears of frustration turn to anger and disrespect or all out defiance.   I'm not that girl anymore (most of the time anyway). 

A first hurdle in the the journey. We will jump it. We will cross over stronger than before.  We are still learning - together!!

He is paying attention

To say some mornings I lack the motivation to get the day rolling would be a total understatement. I'm the one who will hit snooze as many times as possible calculating just how mush more time I can lay there comfy & still be on time. It's a constant mental game for sleep. 9 more minutes here and I will take a quicker shower. I can lay here and contemplate my outfit, my moves.  Completely choreograph my morning routine in my head for just a few extra moments of sleep. It's not that I'm sleeping at this point, just delaying what I know I have to do.  Procrastination at it's finest. 

These things he knows all too well. I'm not a morning person and will delay any morning until noon if I could. This is why he established the get out of bed at a certain time rule. It's for my well being. I'm happier when I'm not rushed in the morning. I'm less crabby all day. Im less likely to take it all out on him.

The kids have been out of school, we've had family drama and it was Monday. Who doesn't dread getting out of bed on Monday?  I was slightly procrastinating, doing my usual dance in my head. Ok, no kids to get ready, an extra snooze. It takes x amount of time to get to work, a shorter shower, I can wear this and the whole thing going as I planned. I even took time to sit on the bed and play a few games and of course make questionable comments to the sleeping bear.   Turns out, I don't think he was sleeping. My comment that I seemed to lack motivation did not go as unheard as I thought.  As well as the "ya think" comment when he asked if I was running late. 

I did finally start to get ready, albeit very late at this point. There was no way I would be on time. No way my day wasn't headed in a wrong direction. He gently said, so you have no motivation this morning. Looking shocked, I said no just don't feel it today.   I thought there'd be a lecture, maybe words of encouragement or I don't know - nothing! (Giggling already aren't you). He offered to give me motivation. Well he didn't really offer anything, he pretty much said I've got your motivation. Pillows were in place on the bed, tools out, proper motivation right there - yep I saw it, just that much too late. He landed several swats of motivation on the one place I could remember where it was all day. 

After that, my day went well.  I stayed focused and on track all day at work.  I didn't have any problems with attitude. I didn't break any rules.  Found no more trouble that day. Not sure when he started paying this kind of attention to me, but I like it. I like the feeling of being loved and cherished so much that he is willing to push a reset button for us. I felt like I matter. I haven't felt that way in so long.   I like letting him lead me. I love this man!!!

Let the adventure continue. As long as I'm learning, we will be alright!!

Those 4 little words

There have been few things in my life that have stopped me dead in my tracks or changed my direction so abruptly. There is always "the look". Whether from my Mom or Dad as a child or from my husband now, it is always a visual incentive to change something NOW.  Rarely did the look from mom or dad ever evolve into more. I'm just good like that. (I hear you giggling).  The look from my husband on the other hand, never ends well. Either because I've already stepped over the line or I just keep on going.

The last time the look didn't work, I told him it was ok to tell me to stop before I got that far. Before I pushed the envelope to the point of no return. It was ok to let me know he'd had enough already.   I can be a talker. When things aren't going my way, I tend to want to over compensate with explanation. I am of course right, he just needs to hear all my reasons. Or when I'm being playful and he's not feeling it the same way, I guess I can come off as annoying.   (I don't get it, but I guess it's possible).

So the other day, in the midst of a playful banter. I heard it. ENOUGH. Just 1 word. It was all I needed. Butterflies and chills, I stopped. Walked away and left it alone. It was over before I got myself into trouble. That one word. That one second to stop, regroup and walk away. I never thought it would work but it did. I've heard that one a few more times and each time the same result.  This even works in text form. From the other side of town, the one word text just ends it always the same. Butterflies and chills but no trouble.

Then there's the other three words. Also the power to stop me dead in my tracks but always too late. A line is already crossed, a rule already broken. We will talk. Talk talk? No, more he lectures, I listen kind of talk. This talk always ends up with me in a very vulnerable position begging for another chance. (I don't really beg - out loud anyway).  These words are usually on the phone or in a text. Rarely in person.  The power they carry is immeasurable. I know instantly what the future holds and it's going to be painful. Unfortunately, I've seen too many of this text lately.

We will talk is different than let's talk. Let's talk is more right now, in your face kind of trouble. The we will talk is more of a just wait til you get home kind of trouble. The kind you think about maybe for hours, dreading the idea of actually talking.

Words do have power.

I'm still learning. He's still learning. We are enjoying the journey - together!

His Kryptonite

It's been a very trying week. A lot is going on and a lot of family drama has taken over my world. All in all, I've not have any major melt downs or attitude issues. A few small ones yes but nothing so major that I dreaded being spanked for. I was spanked, just didn't dread it.

I've dealt with a lot different spankings over the last 4+ weeks. Maintenance & reminders once a week. Discipline and punishment when necessary.  So let's just say I've experienced it, should have gotten a T-shirt. Instead got bruises and an inability to sit still without remembering why I should be good. (Let's say I have a bad memory)

That being said. I never cried. It's not that I wasn't remorseful because I was. It's not that it didn't hurt because believe me it did. (Well there was one that didn't but that's another story and he figured out the problem and fixed it LOL). I don't know why, just no tears.

This mornings reminder was no different than any other. He used the belt (which he rarely uses but he broke the paddle - I kinda want that paddle back. Shhhh don't tell). It wasn't any worse than any other reminder except I'm different this week. I'm sad and I haven't shed any tears for that either. So today for the first time, I cried during a spanking. Not a big blubbering baby kind of cry, just a few tears sneaking their way down my cheek.

It wasn't the spanking that made me cry but I felt a little better.

The look on his face was troubled. "You cried?"  Almost an accusation tone in his voice. As if I'm not allowed to cry. I simply said "yes sir" and let his tone pass by. (See they have these "tones" too but they won't admit it). He looked heart-broken. He actually couldn't believe it and I think it hurt him to see me cry. He had not been expecting that. He was not prepared to comfort his crying wife.

So tears are his kryptonite. If only temporarily, I saw the weakness in his eyes. I won't use my new found tool as a means to escape any spankings in the future (or will I?). I don't know if ill ever cry again. I don't know what the magic combination is for the big baby blubbering relief cry I've heard about. Maybe I'll never know.

I do know that like the cute adorable sweetness that I try to use from time to time, tears will not deter him for long.

Still learning all the tricks.




Sent from my iPhone

Confession

I have a natural ability to over-share.  I also find guilt to be a gut wrenching experience.  I do not like that guilty feeling and being a natural over-sharer I have no problem confessing.  It's not a bad thing to confess.  It's not a bad thing to relieve yourself of the guilt that you're holding onto.  The only down side I've found is the trouble it keeps causing me.

Now is it confession that is causing me trouble?  NO!  The fact that there are a few rules that I insist on breaking over and over that is causing me trouble. The phone use in the car seems to be one that I just can't get past.  I know there is danger, I know there is a rule but sometimes it just seems easier to use the phone than to let someone else feel any kind of stress because they couldn't reach me.  Seems easier at the time, but a few minutes later, after thought, I know it was wrong.  No amount of excuses I can come up with seem to make it any better.  The excuse to not cause others grief, ends up giving me grief in the end.

The disappointment on his face, the tone in his voice, the words of lecture are spot on creating more remorse.  The punishment would come in the morning after confession because it was already late.  He put me in position, he lined up his paddle and once again reminded me why these rules were rules and why I was to obey them.  There was no amount of squirming or trying to get away that would sway the sting of that leather paddle.  No amount of begging or promising to be good deterred him from his task.  The good news is I felt better after confessing and being punished.  All things are forgiven and forgotten.  The bad news is that he likes that big giant leather paddle and I don't think he's sending it back anymore.  It was horrible & I don't want to meet it anytime soon.  Today I sit gingerly.  The phone safely tucked away in my purse for the duration of my travels. 

So confessing I broke a rule (again) isn't really hard.  Accepting the fact that I'm in trouble (again) isn't that hard.  Sitting afterwards, that's hard!!!

You'd think I'd learn by now but Nope!!! Still learning!!!

The exercise

I wrote the other day about a full on submissive day where I could only do what I was told or allowed to do.  Everything I wanted or needed would be controlled by him. I would give everything to him.  My whole world would be at his discretion.  Easy right?? OH no, in no way. 

It wasn't horrible.  I wasn't perfect.  He wasn't perfect. 

He had worked a double the night before, so he was really tired and didn't really push the limits of my submissions. He only reprimanded me a few times for not saying sir, or doing something without asking. He only put me in position twice during the day but later told me had he not been so tired, it would have been 5 or 6.   I did not earn any extra swats for bad behavior. (Stop laughing, I can be good when I want to be)

He did make me wear clothes of his choosing, which left me feeling naked and exposed all day even though I wasn't. I guess this is when I felt the most submissive. I couldn't do anything about it. Couldn't change clothes, couldn't add clothes. Very humbling & full on embarrassing.  Once I was allowed to change clothes, I realized I didn't feel the same towards the submissive day. It was almost like it was over, but the look on his face later proved me wrong. 

I don't think this is the last time we will do this type of exercise. While it was working, we were closer.  We had a connection that we both enjoyed.   I totally loved giving him charge of all of me. He did me proud. He was not abusive with his power, he was loving and caring. 

Since Sunday is the beginning of a new week, we finished the night with our usual sit down discussion and maintenance (ugh). A tweak of a few rules, a stern warning of the ones I can't manage to follow and all is good. We are doing alright in our journey. We realize it's our journey to take. No one else will have this journey as everyone must go down their own path. 

Some day soon I may sit without squirming a little, but until then, I'm still learning!!

Submissive or not?

As I sit here again with a sore bruised bottom, I wonder how I continue to get here. I asked for this, it should be easy. It's not!  So totally not easy. So what is wrong with me?  Why do I find it so hard to fully submit to his wishes, his rule, our rules?  Why do I find myself over and over again laid across his lap for again breaking the same rule?  

I told him recently I needed him to be more in control. I needed to be able to feel his control even when he wasn't around. I need to feel his safety net always. He agreed to give me more.  More control would mean a shorter leash more rules. It would be a bigger challenge for my submission. While I want and crave the dominance, I struggle with submission still. 

I'm not sure it's that I'm testing the boundaries?  I know those are made of stone and I won't be able to push my way through.  It's more me getting into an independent place in my head. A place I find hard to escape after so many years. I can take care of myself. I am strong. Yet, somewhere in that place, I know my submission lies. Waiting for it's chance at freedom.  

My rule breaking is a sure sign of lack of submission, not a lack of wanting it. Wanting it and doing it are on so different levels.  I'm going to master this thing. 

This weekend, he has decided to initiate a submissive day. A day full of doing only what I'm allowed to do. A day where I ask for everything I need or want. A day where the word sir will be used without fail.  A day where I do only as I am told.  A challenge I am ready to take. 

I will be the best I can be because that is what he deserves. He gives me so much, loves me deeply and wants to be with me forever.  I am such a lucky woman to have a man, a best friend who is willing to give me all I need. 

Be patient with me, I'm still learning!

The Anniversary Spanking(s)

We have been married 20 years. It's been an adventure from the first day we met. Our love story was like no other. We ended up eloping after only 2 weeks and out lasted everyone of our friends. We are lucky to still be in love.  I'm lucky to be married to my best friend.   

So the day would start with a little reminder of who the boss is, who's in control. Didn't matter is was our anniversary, it was reminder day. Mr Consistency is always true to his word and no amount of batting eyes and cuteness would deter him.  So across his lap I went.  He wielded his trusty paddle brush and promptly applied a reminder of why I should be good.  I got the message over and over again.  This message was so well received, I felt it necessary to confess way to much after the fact. Ya, I know, when will I learn to just keep my mouth shut?  Probably, never.   So while the reminder was fresh, he reminded me that it did not excuse the other stuff but not to worry, he would forgive me later. (This is the last appearance of that brush as sadly it broke)

The anniversary itself was nice. He came to my work for lunch.  Bought me beautiful beads for my bracelet and had a surprise waiting for me at home. A surprise that included flower petals on the floor and a heart shape made of little kisses on the bed. It was so sweet, something that he's never done ever in 20 years. Don't worry, he received a gift card to his favorite store and some candy.  Not as dramatic I know but I will now have to join him at this favorite store of his while he picks out the gift he wants. (I hate this store - so it's a really big deal that I'll actually go)

He also ordered some new implements that came the night before.  A very large (like super huge) leather paddle and a smaller wooden spoon sized thing with holes. I really don't know what goes through his mind when he picks out these things. Neither of these got used for the morning spanking. 

So during the day, there were many chances for him to tell me how my night would end. A quick text here, a phone call telling me how "hot" my night would be. Not the fun hot, but the fire burning stingy ouchie hot of discipline.  He delivered on his warning when he finally got home from work. He promised that he was only trying to invest in the next 20 years and us. He decided to try out the new wooden thing. I do not like the new wooden thing.  I now know why I hear so much about the spoons. The concentration of stingy pain all over my bottom and thighs was almost unbearable. I couldn't stay still, I dodged and squirmed. He held on tight. I have a few new bruises including one that resembles that stupid spoon looking thing. (He told me I shouldn't have squirmed - he's probably right)

It was an overall great anniversary. I feel loved and cherished, safe and secure. I know I have a lot to learn but I'm in good hands. Here's to another 20 or more years. 

Whirlwind

This journey has been a whirlwind of adventures. We talk, we laugh, we spend a lot of time together.  It's not all been easy. There has been plenty of times I wish I hadn't asked for this. (Ok mostly when I'm OTK).  I'm glad I did. I'm glad he's still here with me. I'm happy and content for the first time in years.

He's beginning to have doubts that he's doing this thing right. Is he too strict, too quick to punish?  He is strict on the rules we have agreed upon.  He is very consistent on those rules. He is a little more laid back on the attitude and tones, as long as I don't push too far.  Unfortunately, I've given him many reasons to punish.  I'm sure there are many more sore red bottoms in my future.

We are learning still. We are talking.  For me, as long as we are talking and moving forward, we are doing this right.   I love him and I know he loves me.

The phone, the car & the HOH

Well I wanted this blog to be more about us and our journey than a reflection place for why I was/am in trouble. Lately, trouble seems to be my middle name.  Sometimes no matter how hard I try, old habits come back into play. 

So this time, unlike with Facebook, it was so accidental I didn't even realize I had done it until it was too late.   Getting on Facebook knowing I was not supposed to was more an act of defiance. A rebellious state of mind for which I immediately felt guilt, confessed and was punished accordingly.  I'm trying hard to stifle that little rebellious brat but she is one strong determined person, a formidable opponent. 

The rule:  Seatbelt must be worn at all times, no texting while driving, no phone calls except with use of Bluetooth. 

Simple enough.  I started this one actually because HOH never wore a seatbelt and always had phone in hand. He does use a Bluetooth for making calls, that was his addition. I hate the Bluetooth, it hurts my ears so I rarely ever use it. I'm not big on texting while driving and always wear a seatbelt and not very often talk on the phone while driving. 

Until. . . .

We were driving to the kids soccer game when I received a call. I saw it was from the school, so I answered. It was only a recorded message and could have totally waited. I don't know why, looking back, that I answered that call.  Old habits have a way of coming back to bite you in the butt. (Literally, in this case)

Who was on the phone?
Just the school, why?
Oh, I thought it might be really important since you answered it in the car. You're driving right?

And the lightbulb goes on. Oh, crap what did I just do?

I'll help you remember to not use the phone in the car. 

That reminder always waits until the house is quiet. I had a lot of time to wonder just how bad it was going to be. I did all my chores, was super sweet (not really) and tried to mentally prepare for what I knew was coming. 

Fonzi is not a big lecturer. He calmly states the facts interjecting none of the guilt. At least until this one.  The I can't believe you did that while I was in the car.  It was disrespectful and disobedient. Not to mention how dangerous it was for yourself and everyone in the car.  (Really, just 2 weeks ago, you told me how great a driver you were so it wasn't dangerous).  I'm not sure where the lecturing Fonzi came from but boy was he there last night.  I was told to stand in the corner until the house was still and quiet. It's hard to stand in a dark corner. 

Once the house was quiet, the fireworks began. Not a big warm up, this was punishment after all. He drew his evil stick and began.  Swat after horrible swat, I thought it would never end. He paused to lecture some more but my break was short lived. Again the rain of awful stingy swats landing on my thighs and covering my bottom in a storm of fire. Another break, another lecture. More rain of fire. (Have I mentioned how I hate that stick - this is apparently not the time to tell him but I did). Followed by more fire. 

I won't sit still today. My bottom still stings from the bite of that nasty stick (and my thighs). My phone will stay in my purse this morning. Maybe I'll break out the Bluetooth and get it ready for use. A small short lived pain in my ear is better than he horrible pain in my bottom. 

I do however, appreciate and love him even more because he was protecting me from danger, myself even. I know he loves me.  I felt his love last night.  He held me until I fell asleep and whispered I love you many times in my ear.  I'm one lucky baby girl. 

Be patient, I'm still learning (and losing bad habits).