I QUIT!!

A couple weeks ago I cried for no reason during a seemingly normal event. I didn't want it to ruin our future but it did. I never blamed him for what happened but somewhere along the way I guess he blamed himself. I still don't know what caused it, I guess even after 2 weeks we will never know what it really was. It just was. I tried to move past it, I did move beyond it with the help of my friends. Unfortunately, he was frozen in that space of fear and the unknown. 

I'm often told (because I'm hard headed and don't listen) that in order for him to lead, I need to give him a reason to. In my defense, let me say I needed to get past this issue. Needed the closure, needed him to, well, lead.  I was so lost in my needs that I never fully understood his.  He wasn't talking,meant leading, wasn't anything. He avoided me for days, ignored my blatant attempts to find trouble, basically shut down and quit operating. 

The more he retreated into his shell, the more I found myself lost. It's a jungle out there and I no longer had a map. So I did what any self respecting brat would do - I quit!  I gave up.   

I couldn't continue the mascarade of wanting a lifestyle he was incapable of giving me. I put everything away. Out fm sight, out f mind. I refused to speak of DD, refused to follow the rules (not that I was following them anyway). If DD was coming back, it would be his decision. I wouldn't push, I wouldn't explain why I was right (I'm always right - right?) about this lifestyle being right for us. I quit!

I was stressed from the holiday. Too much happening all at once. I didn't need the chaos but there it was all around. I was over whelmed, lost and out f control. I had spiraled so far down there was no up anymore. Once I decided to push DD out of my life, quit being dependent on it, I realized I was unhappy again. Still, I quit.  

Then yesterday, a text. I was told to have his dinner ready and be waiting for him when he got home.  Which I did but still he didn't talk to me. Ate in silence, staring at his computer screen.  By bedtime his tone changed and he was no longer lost and afraid. 

He told me how he'd failed to lead & how I had also failed to submit.  He set me in the corner to contemplate. He was putting us back on track. He never gave up, he just couldn't see the path. He asked me why I hid (put away) the implements. I told him I had quit, I couldn't continue to push this if he wasn't willing or able to continue. I wanted the next step to come from him and not having that stuff around wouldn't influence his decision. He understood but said I should have talked to him first. 

So he spanked me. It wasn't horrible and honestly could have been worse. We reconnected and all the rules are being enforced and I'll be held accountable again.  I'm encouraged and content.  My quitting was short lived and all things DD related have been returned to their cabinet as instructed. 

The journey isn't all easy and we learn from each event. It's not always the event we learn from. Sometimes it's the way we dealt with the event or each other. It's been 20 months on this road and we are still learning and growing. We still have a lot t learn but at least I know he's willing to learn and grow with me. 

What is wrong with me?

Something happened yesterday that emotionally drained me and left me feeling completely empty. I still can't explain what happened and the why isn't becoming clearer. It left Fonzi in such a state, he didn't know how to deal with me or the situation. Needless to say, I'm writing out of confusion and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.   Sorry if you can't follow or it's not my typical type of post but hey it's my blog, I'm being true to me. 

So yesterday after being apart all day, he tells me he wants to visit the bedroom. Usually a bad sign for my butt except I was not in trouble. The would be one of the fun trips to the bedroom. Ok I'm up for that. He wasn't overly dominant, I wasn't anywhere near submissive but hey, sex is sex and I'll take it. He had a paddle (well a light saber looking thing) but he wasn't using it. Nothing unusual going on, nothing new. Sex was good, like really good. I was relaxed, it was nice. Again nothing unusual.   Until it was. I readjusted my position which my now dominant hubby took offense at. He pulled my hair, yelled at me that I don't get to move unless I ask. I apologized but it was too late. I was in full on sobbing tears. 

Let me state, nothing was unusual except the tears. I've never cried before. He's pulled my hair, he's lectured me for moving.  He's swatted me for less. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't damaged in any way but I was crying. The ugly full sobs runny nose kind of crying. In my head I tried to rationalize it, make myself stop. Try as I may, I couldn't figure out why it started so making it stop was impossible.   He asked why I was crying and I said I don't know. I honestly didn't know. I still don't.   He freaked out. He didn't know if he'd hurt me, he was as lost as I was.   So now we are both sitting there after not knowing what to do. 

Emotionally I was empty. I wasn't feeling anything. I sat on the edge of he bed and while the crying stopped, I wasn't ok. I still have trouble explaining how I felt even to myself (& I was there). It was at this point surreal. Like I wasn't really there. I just sat. 

He eventually asked what he could do for me. I asked simply to be held. I know he was freaked because at this point he would grab me full bear hug and just hold me until I was struggling to be freed. He kinda side armed me. That really didn't help my lost and empty feeling but it was better than him walking away and leaving me there by myself.   It's a lesson we had to learn the hard way. 

So even tho I don't know why there were tears and I've had some maybe sorta ideas.  Like we weren't really in a full on Dom/sub mindset when he suddenly switched, it was too much too fast and it triggered tears. That's really my only idea, the rest didn't even make sense in my own head, no sense putting them on paper. Anyway, the point is, no I don't know why there were tears, but I know what I needed after. I didn't then, he didn't either and we struggled all night because of it. What I needed at that moment, when I needed to be held, I needed to be cuddled deeply and loved until I couldn't be held anymore. Maybe it would have been short, maybe I would have fallen asleep in his arms but I needed to feel safe in that moment. I needed my happy spot. Snuggled tightly, big heavy arms wrapped around me in an embrace that would normally suffocate me. I needed him. My rock, my center, my everything. 

I've told him he needs to hold me better next time and I hope he can read this and see I'm not making this about his failure. It's not about failure, it's about learning. It's about moving past whatever this was and growing. No, we don't know what caused it.  It may happen again. What we learned was what I need to get through it. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. We are perfect for each other. 

We are still learning, still growing and still moving forward. At least with all these new experiences, he will never get bored with me. 

Writing

I've thought a lot lately about writing. Different ways I am made to write, what I'm made to write, why I'm made to write and why other people write what they write.  That's a lot of writing questions.  I know why I write.  I write as a release of emotions. It's almost therapeutic for me - cleansing. 

I've been asked to write answers to questions he's given me. This for him is a way to see if I know what it is I did or want and why I want or did these things. He's asked me what I get out of this lifestyle and what I think he gets. I thought a long time about that one and almost didn't answer the question.  The thing is sometimes what's in my head can't make its way out onto the page. I get so totally overwhelmed that I shut down.  Like most things when I'm inside my head, I can't manage to fight my way out. But he demanded I answer the question and wouldn't let me off without it getting done. Once I started, the ideas came flooding out and there it all was written down. He was pleased and I was happy again.  I'd done it. I wrote to please him and in doing so pleased us both. Cheap therapy.

Recently he asked me to write a story about a couple in a DD relationship and how I saw the HOH as being in charge. What I wanted in an HOH is what he wanted to read. He expected it to be a quick story, a short story. Boy was he wrong. It ended up being a novella that took almost 5 months to write. What I learned from writing it is there really only is fantasy and reality and no matter how much I tried to fuse the two, they are still just that. Yes the characters to me are real, I created them but they will never be real real. I'm ok with that. It's a damn good story - even if I don't let anyone read it. (I haven't decided). As much as I wanted him to be my perfect HOH, he will never be. I already have the perfect HOH for me. I do hope he reads it and finds himself in the character.   I feel better having written it and I think that's part of the lesson he wanted me to learn. When I am focused on writing, the chaos of the world melts away and for a while I am there, in the story, calm and at peace. 

I wonder if people who write lines or essays feel anything when they are made to write. I'm sure they learn a lesson, or why bother, but does it make them feel anything?  I'm thankful he makes me write things that have purpose.  Lines would drive me insane. I'd feel something alright but it wouldn't be positive. 

Which brings me to the point of my post. Really there was a reason for all this. The other day he asked me to write a pledge. An oath of sorts to recite to him every morning. A DD mantra just for us. Something that meant something to us and only us. I found this overwhelming and couldn't start thinking of it.  I searched the web for help, there had to be someone else doing this. I found nothing. No hope of hints, no clue as to what he wanted and the deadline loomed like a big grey cloud about to dump a whole heap of nasty on my bottom. I got encouragement from a friend who told me to write from my heart. Using his guide p, I quickly wrote some words on the page. Short simple and us!  (I do have to memorize this after all - long was not an option). I did it, I wrote it & it felt really good. He read it, he liked it and so it becomes a part of my daily routine. 

I pledge to try my best to be a good faithful submissive wife. To honor and obey.  To follow where you lead even when I disagree. To accept your word or consequences in the loving trusting manner in which you give it. I pledge to be yours!

As with anything TTWD, find what makes you happy and use the tools you create together along the way.  The tools will change, the journey will evolve and become so much more than you imagined. As long as you stay together in your goals, all will be right in your world.  I write to bring myself joy and peace. He asks me to write because he knows I find solace there. I find myself there and sometimes I need to be found. 

We are still learning, sill growing and for once residing on the same page.   

I cried

I cried when you left today

Saddened by my loss

I thought you'd want to talk to me

But apparently I was wrong

You find the time for other things

But not the time for me

I'm scared you're not as into us

I should just let it be

I count the minutes hours we're apart

The time it takes to see you

The moments in my heart

I need you right beside me

Fighting all the way

To make us strong and happy

Laughing through the day

I cried today you left me

Alone and all unsure

I know that you'll come back to me

But the world is all a blur


I found this on my phone today. I wrote it several weeks ago when we were at such a low point. Honestly he quit talking to. He said he didn't have anything to say.   I was lost and confused.   He had gone to work that day without kissing me or saying goodbye.   I cried for hours. 

Part of the problem was me. I had to much pride to tell him what was wrong with me. I was breaking all the rules, I was withdrawn and disrespectful.   I couldn't tell him what I really needed was him. I needed him to talk to me, to want me again. I was hating that his job was coming in between us. I was feeling slighted when he didn't have time for me. It seemed, to me at least, he had time for everyone else.  I couldn't talk to him and when I did, I was a blubbering ball of disrespect. 

We took off that weekend. One day retreat, just us.  We went away. Had an adventure. I tried desperately to get him to open up to me.  I wanted him to start a conversation. To tell me what was wrong.   He never did. Not like I wanted but I realized something. What I wanted wasn't what he could give.   I had to change my perspective.   I started talking. I told him all the things that were bothering me. I told him how I felt. I didn't point fingers, didn't assign blame. Just talked. He listened. He's great at listening. Sometimes I don't even really think he's paying attention, but he's listening. 
It took a long time but he finally began to respond. He let me know some of the things that were bothering him.   We came to an agreement of sorts.   I need to calmly rationally tell him how I feel and he needs to not shut down on me.   

I know now it's ok to communicate my feelings. Even though I start a conversation, it doesn't mean I'm leading. It means only that I had something to say before it became a problem.  It's not a perfect solution but I know he cares.   

That night forgiveness was given. There was peace again and contentment where it had been missing for so long. I've since been able to let him know when I was feeling off.  For me to notice and let him know without being a complete brat, that's progress. Slow and steady, we will continue on the journey that is TTWD. 

I'm still learning and growing. What else can we ask for?

Fixing me

So I've been off a lot more lately than usual. I've spent an extraordinarily long time trying to figure out why I keep ending right back where I started.  The circle is never ending. I think I get it all figured out but then life comes along and shows me I really didn't figure anything out. Each time I learn something new but I haven't solved anything.  So while I'm lost, I know I'm not going too far. 

After a year and a half I thought I would have mastered this lifestyle but instead I'm just as in need of fixing as I was when I started. Biggest difference is I know now that he can't fix me. Oh sure he can prod me in the right direction and help me see what it is I want but he can't fix me.  I'm better than I was. I know now when I need special attention. I still can't ask for it, but I recognize when I need the reset. I'm learning what my triggers are. Slowly but surely, he's learning what my triggers are. Stress and chaos are still the biggest triggers and figuring out how to slow those down before they explode is in itself a ball of stress and chaos. (Back to those circles)  

Lately we've been in an on and off again DD lifestyle. The off cycle isn't nearly as off as it used to be and the on is amazing. When it's on, it's not forced anymore. It just kind of happens and it's perfect. 

In a nutshell, we are still learning. We will never know it all. All we can do is figure it out together. 

In the rest of my world, things and people still make me wonder about the things I say.  Again I say this, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am who I am. If you don't like me, that's ok but you have no reason to be aggressive towards me. I have fun and enjoy a warped sense of humor. I find things funny where most find it serious. That's me. Love me, like me or leave me alone. 

                   

Not done yet

It's been a long time since I wrote the last post. I'm not sure I'm beyond the confused feelings of my last post but I do know we are still sailing along. 

What did we do to get back on track?  We TALKED. I know right. Such a concept. I had to get past the fact that you quiet non communicating husband wasn't going to start a conversation about where we were. I swallowed my pride, bit the bullet and asked to talk. What I heard was distressing and confusing even more than I was before. What he was feeling was the same as I was. He also wondered why I wanted this but couldn't follow simple rules.  How could I need this and not want to at the same time. He basically was frustrated with my inconsistency.   GASP!!  Now I'm even more confused.  How could he possibly think I was in any way at fault for any of this?  

So we talked and we talked some more. Then we got back on track. That part wasn't much fun for me but after there was the peace and harmony that I had been longing for.  I'm still confused but I know I need to try just as hard as he is.

Fast forward a few more weeks. 

I went on a short vacation where he was unable to go with me.  During my absence he recharged his HOH batteries and we are now almost as good as we ever were. If I had thought our previous back on track spankings were severe, I learned how wrong I was. I'm not sure how or where he got ideas from but it seemed that everything I wanted him to figure out, he did. He's got the restraint part down and he push a few limits he hadn't gone close to in forever. Needless to say, I didn't sit well for a few days. He told me I had gotten what I had been needing for quite some time. (Don't tell but I was glad he finally stepped up and did what needed doing without fear of me getting upset or mad. I had to agree, it was what I needed)  I may still be confused about the path we are on, but I'm content and happy where we are. 

It's a bumpy road and we are still learning to navigate the trail.  As long as we do it together, I will be happy. 

Are we done?

I'm not sure yet where I'm going with this post. I feel I'm at a crossroad of sorts. I find myself not understanding my own feelings, my own desires, wants and needs. I'm so conflicted all the time. I want this, yet I struggle to obtain it. Is it out of habit? Is it something different completely?  Does my heart not understand my mind or is my mind unwilling to yield to my heart. Do I not understand exactly what I really want or need?

I'll start with what I know (could be a short list)

I need the discipline

I need the structure

I crave the dominance 

I need the peace and harmony  

I'm better with these things

What I don't know

Everything else

Why do I want him to understand that when he's in control, I'm better- more relaxed, centered, calm. Why can't I explain this in a way that he gets it. Why don't I understand he doesn't get it. I'm left confused lonely & out of sorts. Even the brat is so lost she has been unheard of lately. I'm beyond that. I'm so far past breaking a rule to get attention. Now I just don't follow the rules and don't care if he notices. I've almost given up. 

I know he loves me. I know I should hold tight to what I want and need. He will come around. I have to do my part. Be a martyr for my cause because that is what will get me past this lull. I've heard the advice. Hell I've given it. Right now it's a distant thunder in my ears. I hear it but it's not reaching the inner most places of my heart because my mind is in constant over drive. I need to quiet the voices in my head. I need to still the waters again so I can swim to safety. 

My life boat hasn't said much to me. Hasn't noticed I'm in distress. Hasn't turned back around to pluck me from the depths of the ocean. Maybe my life boat is sinking too. Am I too caught up in my own storm to see that? Is it possible that he is in his own storm?  Am I so selfish I don't see his fears & desires?   My mind says yes, you're selfish. My mind says he can't do this and all you're doing is pushing him away again. Let it go. 

I know I don't want to be the angry bitter woman I was before. I want to be happy. Even a selfish brat deserves a little bit of happiness. 

I'm still learning   I hope to continue to learn. I hope he is willing to lead me and love me through the storm!

Devastated no more!

I've stayed away from my blog out of fear. Not that I didn't want or need to say stuff, I couldn't. I had told myself that I could be hurt again if I posted, if I let myself open up to that raw emotion again, my little blog world could crumble and my self confidence would crumble with it.

Ok well, I'm done being afraid. I need this place to figure out my feelings and emotions, so no more fear of someone knocking down my castle of solitude. This is my place after all, and if you don't like it, well move on. (Seriously, I hope you like it tho. And want to stick around. I'm not really that tough)

So here's my newest ramble

Since my last post, we celebrated our first year of DD and our 21st wedding anniversary. 

The DD has had its ups and downs, which I've come to find normal in this lifestyle. The marriage (which no one said would survive) has been steady and rock solid lately. No more doubts that he is leaving, no more fear (that word again) I will be old and alone. We are good!!

On the DD front, we have been on the on/off again path. No big secret there. I've noticed where I'm changing and it's good. I'm not quick to anger or brat. I'm comfortable letting him lead and being in control. 

The other day I did something I didn't think was a big deal (or didn't do)  It's a small rule, something just between us.  He asked why I hadn't followed through on it & my only response was that I simply had not made the time.  He didn't say much.  I resumed my morning.  He sat up in the bed and grabbed one of his favorite implement (the evil paint stick to be exact - not the oar). When I asked what this was for, he looked sad.  He told me he was disappointed in me. He said when I don't follow through with the little things we agreed to, it's like I didn't find the time for him.

Wow!  I wasn't expecting that response.  I'm glad he did it.  He is finally taking care of disruptions of our balance when they occur.  I found peace after that.  There was no time for cuddling but I was safe and secure in the knowledge that he cared for me, for us.  I'm happy.  We are happy. I am truly remorseful that I disappointed him in that way.  I will be more careful in letting the little things slide.

We are good.  Learning to take the journey together.  Ready to let him lead.  

I'm done being afraid of everything.  I'm done letting people control who I am or who I want to be.  With one exception.  My self confidence is growing again.  I'm safe.  I know he will protect me.  My doubts are fading, my fears diminished.   I'm back.  You have been warned.  LOL

Devastated

I've never really posted about my world outside of my relationship with Fonzi and our journey with DD, but this is my place to wite what is on my mind and try to work through my feelings. So here goes, raw emotions to follow.

It's no secret I have found a community, a family, a place online where I have felt safe to share my views, my life, my deepest dartpkest secrets and fears.  A place where I could just be me and people accepted it. A place where I could share advice and ideas for everything from cooking to this journey we are on.  I was happy here chatting with friends, making new friends and just being me. What I didn't realize was just how much happy I had wrapped up in that world. How intertwined reality and virtual had become. 

I am who I am, I base my advice on where I am emotionally, physically and pure heartfelt experience. I've never been blindsided like this before. I do not wear a bullet proof vest when I chat, I'm not protected. I am extremely cautious but I wear my heart on my sleeve unguarded, always have. I feel that's a part of me I wanted to share with others and I give more of me than anyone really knows. Everything I've ever done has had someone else's well being ahead of my own. However, I've been injured deep inside my core and I'm not sure I'll be the same. I never saw this threat coming. I didn't have time to prepare. Now I'm devastated and don't know I want to go back. My happy place will be will with doubt and hurt. I'm hurt. I didn't mean to cause anyone any damage. My words of advice come from my own experience. Good, bad or ugly. It was not my intention to do any perceived harm. I don't think I did. I feel still, even after all this, my opinion is mine to share. You do not have to agree, I am not perfect. Never claimed I was. 

I won't give many details, that's not why I'm writing this. My advice and intent was questioned. I feel personally attacked and right now as I type this, I do not want to go back to that place.  I want to withdrawal from everything and find my center again.   I've made great friends who are supporting me like I never thought anyone would. I know I'm loved. This is kinda like being in one of those comas where you know what's going on but you just can't make yourself wake up and be involved.   Don't count me out just yet, but currently I've pretty much lost the will to survive in my happy safe world. I need to see if I can be myself without it. 

What do I get out of DD?

Ok so this post isn't about me.  I was asked to answer that question for Fonzi.  What did I think he should be getting out of this dynamic.  I pondered this for a while.  If he didn't know what he was getting, how am I suposed to tell him what I thouht he should get.  Well frankly, I'd not put much thought into it.  I just kinda thought he got what I got.  So here is how I answered his question.

I know you don't want the cookie cutter answers but I do think those are the best place to start.  You get peace & harmony in the household.  The better communication, a deeper connection, a better more meaningful cohesive us.  We get to be friends again, companions, lovers.   Things we've been missing for a long time.

You gt a way to deal with me.  To forgive an let go.  No more hiding behind anger or frustration.  You get to help me be better, for me & for us.  You get a wife who is at peace, content with the world instead of trying to control the chaos.  You get a happier, well adjusted (most of the time anyway) me. 

You get a cleaner house.  Though not perfect, it's better than a few years ago.

You get final say, for us, for me and for our family.

I hope you get peace and contentment.  I hope you've found love and friendship again.

So that was my answer.  It's not a great answer to his question and I still hope he finds out what he gets from DD without me telling him.  I love him and I want him to feel the same benefits I do.  Our path has not unwound itself yet and I think we may have made a few circles around the same tree, but I know the decision was right to go down this road.

Feeling Special??

I want to feel special.  I want to be told I'm special.  That kind of special that brings a sparkle to his eyes at the mere mention of your name.  Or may bring a smile to his face when you walk in the room.  I want that feeling.  I want to know I still hold some kind of magic with him, with us.

When we started on the adventure, I felt special.  Little things he did or said.  He would open my car door for me or make sure my car was full of gas.  He would hold my hand as we walked through the store.  I felt like he wanted to be around me.  He talked to me about stuff, everything really.  These things have faded, I'm not feeling that special connection.

Maybe the connection lost is my fault.  I gave him the ability to control.  Control everything including me.  Control of  my accountability.  Control of my day to day.  Problems is, he doesn't control all of me.  He wants to & I want to let him but there is that little bit he hasn't mastered yet.  With that comes an opening.  An opening I take full advantage of. 

I guess to feel special, I need to let him know I am special by doing the things he's asked.  I need to control that one little part of me that he hasn't quite mastered yet.   Maybe he doesn't open car doors anymore because I've somehow let him know it isn't necessary.  Maybe it's too late for that one.
I'm not complaining, I'm venting in that "woe is me" kind of mood.  I asked for this, I want/need this and I'm the one fighting the process. 

Ok, so I haven't quite mastered this submission or rule thing but I never claimed to be perfect.  I only need to be perfect enough for me but especially him.  The struggle continues and after 10 months, I do not have all the answers yet.  I guess we will continue on our journey until we reach a finish line.

UPDATE

This was probably the first blog that he actually said something about.  He said to me:  You are special but I want to be special too.  I thought at first it wasn't about the blog but he made sure later I knew later it was all about the blog.  This blog upset him.  Basically, because he felt I was asking for things I was unwilling to give in return.  I did admit that it was mostly my fault.  I havn't been subissive or following the rules as I should.  I know I need to hold up my end of the bargin.  I wanted to apologize to him for not making him feel special.  This journey is for both of us and we both must do what we can to make the other realize how much they mean to us.  I've been somewhat better, not perfect but better.  The path has had a few rock in the way but we are still moving forward.