Electric fences

The electric fence or invisible fence is a great deterrent when it's working. The trouble is they often fail in extreme storms and never work during power failure.  

I've decided the rules are like that electric fence. When they are enforced, like the fence, they deliver a strong negative force you'd think twice to go near again. When they aren't enforced, it's as if the fence is lacking power. You know it's there, but when tested, nothing negative occurs. No jolt to bring you back to the proper side of things. 

We've been in our own little storm today. Forces outside our own creating a tornado of angry and hurt feelings.  Not at each other but at this particular force. I guess we all have them. Problem is, the fences are down. I've tested them. (I see you rolling your eyes at me but it had to be done). I'm stressed, unhappy by these events and feeling unloved and unwanted. (The un's). I hate these feeling more than the thought of trouble I'm causing myself. The storm has knocked out power to my fence. All attempts to cross boundaries have been successful so far today. 

I know this storm will pass. We get to spend all day tomorrow storm free but I'm not sure the fence will be mended in time. How long will it take to mend the fence this time?  I'm not feeling as strong as I was once and I need him to be solid in the storms.  

Ugh - I dislike feeling this vunerable and needy sometimes. I just want to be held and sheltered. I want him to be my umbrella not shivering in the cold wet rain with me. 

This journey will continue, the path goes on. This time I'm bringing waders!!  I'm learning to endure through the mud and muck. 

I think he had a virus

We spent a couple weeks in funk land.  We've now settled safely on the other side or somewhere close at least.  I'm not sure we are fully safe on dry land but I'm sure our feet can at least touch solid ground.   So I guess it's time to write about those feelings.  I may ramble, oh please, when don't I?  Be patient, I'm sure there's a moral to the story in here somewhere.

So in case you're just dropping into this blog and missed a few entries (what really? Go back and read them - we'll wait), I will tell you that life got in the way a few weeks ago and we've struggled to get back.  Some disturbing news at the doctor led me to pointing accusing fingers and fighting the one person who was trying to help.  He didn't know how to cope with all those emotions and I think he was being drained by my emotional overload.  We also moved and got one of the little people ready to head off to the big bad world.  Needless to say, I was a basket case.

What I needed was a firm hand.  A solid rock to plant my feet on safely above the water line.  I was left drowning instead.  I fought hard but emotionally I couldn't bring myself to safety.  I needed him, I wanted him to be there.  When he wasn't, I shut him out completely.  

I think this is where he caught this virus.  His walls couldn't withstand the pressure I was putting on him and so with his defenses down, he shut down all means of communication between us.  DD stopped.  He stopped trying to help us.  He wasn't leading.  I sure as heck wasn't following.  I broke rules because I was mad, because I was lost, mostly because I was scared.  This virus, a lot like the flu but for the HoH, left him unable to fulfill his role as a husband, a leader, a friend.  He was drained.  He blamed me.  He said I wasn't doing what I needed to do, so why should he.  I must not have wanted this anymore.  That's how I was acting.  He quit leading & started blaming.

Ok, so we both can't be blaming each other.  One of us had to lead us out of the turmoil.  It was horrible.  I never saw any of this as my fault.  I blamed him for everything.  I blamed him for the bad news at the doctor, for our baby growing up and leaving, for making us move, for not doing more.  I was asking more more more and giving nothing in return.  

It hit me - OMG this might be my fault.  I might be the reason he doesn't love me anymore.  Shock & awe, I wanted badly to snap out of it.  I couldn't.  It's not a light switch you can flip and everything gets better.  Depression doesn't work that way (oh I wish it did).  I had to try to explain.  Tears filled my apology and I'm not really exactly sure I even said "I'm sorry".  I told him how I needed him to catch me when I was falling and that he wasn't there.  He let me fall into this pit of despair by thinking that I needed the time and space for myself.  I needed him to help lead me out of the darkness but he let me wander.  I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but it was his fault too.  

We did have a good talk. (It was just a talk that night)  I asked him to be the leader even when he thought I needed space to myself.  That in those times, I needed and wanted him to help snap me out of that place.  I didn't like being in that place any more than he liked me being there.  He's agreed to help me more in those situations.  (hmmmm brat beware!!!) 

It took some time for him to find his mojo after all this.  I guess when you get a bad flu it just takes time to recover.  It's been a slow process but I think he's almost completely healed.  He's reiterated the rules and expectations and has told me in no uncertain terms that he will deal with things as they come up.  No more waiting.  Tested that theory once already & didn't like the outcome.  He's still working on consistency again.  It's not where it once was but I'm sure as fast as he learned once, his recovery from this virus will be just as speedy.

We are still learning.  We haven't given up our journey and there are no roads leading back from where we came.  We will be stronger as we will be together.  Be patient with me, I'm not there yet!!

The funk continues

Maybe it's not a funk so much as an overwhelming craziness caused by life. We are moving. Not the simple pack it all up, load in on a truck kind of move but a bit by bit here and there kind of move. Everything is upside down, nothing is in a place yet and it's driving me crazy.  Not that I'm an everything in it's own place kind of person but I'm a know where it is or was person. Right now my world is in chaos. 

I would love for someone to just tell me exactly what to do, when to do it or have it done by. Instead of the general stuff that needs to be done anytime someone is moving. 

Add to that chaos, the waiting game from test results from the doctor. I'm a total ball of nerves and emotions. He is letting me get away with way to much snappy nasty attitude. I know why & I appreciate the sentiment but I also want the absolute to stay absolute. I'm rambling and probably not making sense. 

A few more days of utter chaos and maybe things can start to return to normal.   

I'm also worried about the privacy type issues in the new house for DD. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. (Pun intended. LOL). 

Sorry if this doesn't make sense but I needed to get it out. Still learning and growing!!

In a funk

Ever had that one thing happen that immediately ruins your day?  How about your whole outlook on life itself?  It's a big deal but really only in my head. Everyone is telling me how it'll all work out just fine. Blah blah blah. The life goes on speech.  Problem is, I don't want to hear about life's not fair and it'll get better. I want to pout about it for a time. I should be able to pout about it.  I should be able to be mad and upset.

I should be able to do that so long as I stay within my boundaries. I am able to be whatever I need to be. I'm just not able to do it within my boundaries. Unfortunately, they are restrictive in that regard. They are supposed to be. The guidelines we've set forth are for us. To keep us focused on the big prize - a happy harmonious peaceful marriage. 

I'm almost over it.  I'm starting to feel better about the world and being a part of it again. I also feel really guilty about all those things I did in my (for lack of better word) tantrum.  I confessed. To all of it. 

What I really wanted was for Fonzi to be my rock. My safe place. Even though he was partly to blame for my unhappiness, he stood firm never yielding to my emotional state. Steering us ever so quietly through the storm. We've reached the harbor and I think the the boat will be in for some repairs. 

I'm slowly learning to control my temper.  Following the rules when I'm mad is a huge hurdle I have yet to clear. There is a lot of work to do on this path and we are still moving forward.  I'm a work in progress and I'm not done learning yet. 

The rainbow

I wasn't going to write about this as I've discussed it a thousand times but I realize that this blog serves as my reminder to not do these things again. A sort of diary of the stupid things that get me in trouble. Really there should be a thousand entries already in our 4 month journey but even I can't figure out why I do some of the things I do. 

So this day started out like any other. Making plans for a Saturday together. We decided to go shopping and to lunch.  I was already starving. Never good as my mood swings are easier to trigger when I'm hungry or tired.   Well plans change as plans do when other people get involved. Now instead of the two of us, it's now us and both girls. No longer lunch where I suggested and had my sights set on but wherever the mood takes us when we get where we are going. (Do you see this starting to unravel). No longer shopping where I wanted to go bet where the others wanted to go. No more about us as a couple, now it's us as parents. 

We hit store #1 and as I am looking around I noticed I was alone. They had gone another direction and not one of them bothered to tell me. (Did I mention I was hungry and prone to irrational moments?). Strike one!  Another smart mouth rude comment from a kid and I was over the edge. I thought I had it under control. I didn't yell or argue just got quiet and sullen. What I didn't do was clue him in as what was wrong. I really did try to get past it myself. I didn't want to ruin his time because of my hurt feelings. It was probably just hunger and I would feel better after we ate.  Right?  Well not so much. I had already decided what I wanted to eat and we didn't go there so at this point it really didn't matter to me.  Just pick something. I'll be fine. 

So apparently the quiet sullen wife who was saying anything was getting on his radar of trouble. (There should b audible warning systems in place). When I told him "it doesn't matter" I pushed the fire all weapons button and sent the day into a downward spiral I couldn't recover from.  He quit talkin to me, wouldn't look at me and his responses were short or "it doesn't matter". Yep doom was into future. 

We were never alone, I couldn't fix it at this point as I didn't know how. I knew I wanted it over but now he was upset and  it would blow up eventually.  I'd ruined the afternoon because I couldn't just drop it sooner. 

A few hours after being home, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He asked what happened and I told him I let something the kid said get to me. He grabbed my hand again and led me to the kid. He sat us both down and told us how he needed us to get over it. (Love this side of him). He held us both accountable for what had happened. 

Once that was settled and we were alone in the house the real trouble began. I was led back to the bedroom. He said let's gets this over with so hopefully I can put it past us. He was still really upset and I knew it would be more severe than normal severe. I don't remember all the details of the actual spanking. There was no warm up, it hurt, I wiggled a lot. Couldn't stay in position to save my life (which I thought it might at some point). He threw down the impliments and walked away not releasing me. Just left. I laid there crying, not from the punishment but from the abandonment. I cried because I'd hurt him so deeply and I couldn't even be still long enough to end it for both of us. When he came back, it started again. He was calmer but still mad. I still wiggled but did my best. 

Finally I was over. A hug, a kiss - forgiveness. 

I never thought it was pilots subtle to be spanked until you couldn't sit down. I'd never been there.  Having now been there, I'm trying every thing NOT to go back. I spent a few hours on my tummy, slept on my tummy and wished for relief. 

The morning brought a rainbow of colors all across my bottom. I think I saw every color in a crayon box. I would not be comfortable again for a long time. I was ok with that. It's like a badge if forgiveness. I know at one time he wouldn't have cared to make us right. It would have eaten away at us for weeks or months. I know because he did take care of it that he loves me. He wants us to still be us. We are still ok. 

I learned to speak up. What I want does matter. I might not get it all the time and I'm learning to deal with that too. I do matter to him. My thoughts and feelings are as important now as they ever were. Only now, I know he hears me. He wants to hear me, wants to make me happy and keep me safe. 

It's not an easy path we are on and really no marriage ever should be. One the path is easy, it's boring and easy to push aside. I like the rocky path, it keeps us trying. I'm still learning everyday in this journey & I'm still so glad he's there beside me. 

My Husband/Best Friend/HoH

Four months ago I brought a completely new dynamic to our marriage.  I asked him to research Domestic Discipline.  I thought it could help fix some of the problems we had.  I thought it was an out of the box solution in a otherwise hopeless existence.  I was there.  Ready to leave before he left me.  I was ready to throw away 20 years with my best friend.  He wasn't there for me and I really did think he ever could be again.  I'm glad I was wrong.

Upon being given this opportunity to research and change the way we do things, he leaped right in.  He started doing his own research online and with me.  Asking challenging questions I really had to think to answer.  He was involved for the first time in over 10 years.  He was talking to me, it was a start.
I explained the whys:  why I thought it would help, why I wanted it, why I wanted us.  He was game.  It took him 4 days.  I'm lucky as not everyone has a partner who jumps right in and decides to do this.
I got one last "are you sure" as there is not going back speech.  

He gone in 4 months from "I could never hurt you" to "it's supposed to hurt".  From "I could never use that" to "that could work".  And my all time favorite:  I could never mix business with pleasure.  (still working on that but it's coming along).

He's amazing.  He's taken the lead, taken back all the control I so longed to be relieved of and no longer holds on to the frustration that I can cause. He allows me to be me while still keeping a firm grasp on us.  He has stopped letting me be THAT person.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I am thankful for him.  I am in love with my best friend again.  I'm sure he is in love with me again.  He tells me all the time.

We have our problems, it's not been a bed of roses.  We don't communicate as much as we should.  I still tend to bottle things up until I just can't hold it in anymore.  He doesn't talk unless prompted.  I find that extremely frustrating.  That feeling like if I don't start a conversation, there won't be one.  I often just sit and wait for him to want to talk to me about anything but he often doesn't.  

I've re-read the blog entries and realize that from where we started to where we are in just 4 months has been a long long journey. I was so naive then as to what a punishment truly was.  I guess at the time, I never imagined they could be so much worse.  I also never imagined that I would feel so much in such a short time.  I think I've lived every emotion there is more than once.  I still feel totally vulnerable and needy most of the time.  

It feels like we've been on this journey forever but also that it's just started.  As long as we are still learning, we will continue.  It's our journey and I'm glad I'm on it with my best friend.  

Time

I've been on a roller coaster of highs and lows over the last few weeks. Not really knowing what I could write that would make me or anyone else feel better. So instead of grabbing the tablet and letting things flow, I've bottled up and started to become resentful. 

It's not that DD has taken a back seat or gone away completely, it's just the way we're doing it isn't as effective as it should or could be. I still stay in trouble and it's not consistency that's the problem. So what is?  Time!

I thought with the start of his new shift, he'd have time for me. Time to talk, time to laugh, time to just be us again. That's not the case. We do have time together but we don't talk to each other. We've been talking at each other for so long, we've slipped back into then habit. He doesn't see that I need more than just a "hi, how are you". I want full long conversations about everything and nothing. All we talk about is what kind of trouble I've caused for myself. What I did or didn't do. Why can't we talk about something silly and stupid. Everything is always serious, followed by well ......

He makes time for the kids, his family and everyone else. He makes sure to do what they need or want him to do and I'm pushed to the side waiting - again. I'm resentful of that. I know he's a great father, brother, friend, yes and husband but what about companion?  If we go out to dinner, I'm left trying to carry or start a conversation that he barely puts any effort into. Why bother?  I just get out my phone too. 

I don't know what I'm saying. Right now, I'm sitting here beside him and he's sleeping. Always sleeping. I feel alone.   Maybe this wasn't the place to vent but this is my safe place.