Vulnerable or needy?

I've needed to write for days but couldn't think of what to write. Usually it's something about me bing in trouble, but really is that all I ever want to write about. Although, I have plenty to write about.   I'm sitting here looking at the laundry I was told to put away many times. I'll get to it. Eventually. LOL. 

So here it is. My topic for today. Maybe someone will understand my rambling. Where's the line between vulnerability & neediness?  

I woke up yesterday in a sad place and I tried for hours to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that I was missing the closeness with Fonzi. Since this journey began, we've spent a lot of time together wether talking, laughing or just snuggling.  I've felt loved, wanted, safe and very vulnerable. I've given more of myself to him in the last two weeks than I had given in years. I've given him all of me; emotionally & physically.  I've not asked for much in return other than to feel the closeness and the love. Those are the things that make me feel safe & protected.   

Then suddenly a forgotten word, a forgotten hug or snuggle. I felt exposed in a way I hadn't been before. Ive not needed him to say "I love you" every time he leaves or before bed in years, so why now?  Why do I need to hear it before I can sleep?  Why before he leaves for the day?  

I guess I don't want to fall back into old habits. I don't want to go through life in a hum drum kind of space anymore. I want more from him, from us.

So I have this question:  Am I just being needy or selfish or have I left my self vulnerable?

I did write him a note explaining how I felt ignored when he forgot the little things we had promised each other. I did feel better after knowing he read it and said he didn't realize I felt that way.  Yet, I still feel something sad inside that at anytime he can forget again.  I promised not to be a brat and just talk to him (I don't see that brat part not happening tho) if I feel this way again. I also promised to follow the rules, even if I wasn't feeling like it. 

So that being said.  Off to tackle the laundry monster.  Still with questions in my head but a little more at peace now that I've thrown it into blog land. I don't expect anyone to read it or comment but it's out of my head and that helps me too.

Obsession

Do you have an obsession or addiction?  Has it gotten so far out of control that you can't manage to stop on your own?  Have you asked for help?  Even with help, do you find it hard to control?

I have a Facebook addiction. There I said it.  Admitting it is the first step right?  I don't know why but I see that little icon on my phone and it calls to me. It wants me to come inside and visit with my friends and family. It wants me to play the games and post the silly pictures. It draws me in like a moth to the flame. 

Once inside, there is comfort in seeing that all your friends are there. There is warmth in their posts and silliness in their photos. A new selfie, a milestone for the new baby. It's like we live our lives in a virtual world on a screen.  We don't actually ever share these moments but somehow we are there. Every time I sign on, it's like a family or class reunion, lunch with the girls or just watching like a mother at a park watches everything.  It's comforting. 

I guess I don't have many friends that are not in Facebook land. The connection I feel is probably great inside Facebook because I don't see many of my friends due to very busy lives. It's a way to keep in touch. 

Needless to say, I'm addicted. I can't help it. I told Fonzi I wanted help to curb the desire to be on Facebook so much. He agreed it had become a huge distraction for me and agreed to help. (Although he thinks I have other things that are far worse - don't worry, he made rules for those too)  I agreed to stay off (cold turkey) of Facebook for 2 weeks. A self imposed grounding from Facebook. 

I did so good the first week.  I didn't go in once. Oh, the desire to go in was there but the instinct to save my butt was stronger. I am allowed to play the app games that connect with Facebook. One such game sent a request & when I clicked it, it took me to Facebook instead of the app. It was an accident, I quickly closed Facebook down, made a quick confession and it was over. Or was it?  The problem was a saw something that troubled me and by the next day the obsession with the error got the better of me and I checked out Facebook. Just for the error, I didn't scroll or browse around. Good for me but bad for the addiction monster lurking inside me.  The monster showed up full force yesterday and I found myself engulfed in the stories and faces I have missed so much for a whole week. It took me a few (like 3-4) minutes to realize what I was really doing and I shut it down.  

How on earth do I tell him?  How did I get myself here?  Extreme guilt and shame had to be worse than anything he would say or do.  I told him in a text.  His reply "meet me in the bedroom when you get home".   It was a butterfly kind of moment, I knew I was in trouble but I felt relaxed and at peace because I knew he would help me. He was there to see me through his no matter what.  He stepped up to the HoH plate and swung for the home run. I had nothing to worry about.  When I'm not in control, he is. Ever loving, never harsh, just totally in control. 

After everyone was in bed and the house was quiet, after we snuggled for a little while, he stepped up to the plate and started swinging again. He has quite a swing on him.  He was at bat for what seemed like an eternity. I won't sit still today or probably tomorrow but I know I won't be on Facebook. He also imposed another 2 week ban. So much for progress, I start over. 

This addiction is small in comparison to some struggles of other people but addiction, no matter what it is, can be all consuming. I am lucky I have someone who is willing to help me fix me.  I am loved. 

Be patient with me, I'm still learning.

The First Sit Down

He started by telling me there would be no trouble for things said in the sit down. I wasn't so sure I believed that at first. We discussed our first week, what went right, what went wrong and how we planned to improve. I said I had been a brat because I was upset with him. I felt ignored and rather than tell him so, I just acted out of spite. I was less than submissive. I was more downright defiant at times.  He apologized for getting lazy.  He knew he should have corrected an attitude or tone but he didn't. He said he knew when I was being a brat but chose to ignore like he used to.  He promised that would change. (Ut oh). 

I didn't tell him the other stuff. I feel guilty but I didn't want to push too far. It wasn't a big deal, so I'm just going to let it go until it eats away at me so much, I explode in a whole confession saga. (Or he reads this blog - whichever comes first). It's hard to say I disappointed you again.  I know I wasn't supposed to but I did it anyway.  Ok so here it is.  It's really not that bad.  The first time in a week I saw Facebook was totally by accident. I did not mean to be there, I was playing a game. But what I saw was an error message with my account. I didn't even check it out. Quickly as it came on, it was off again.  The second time (here's the guilty part) was to find out what the error was or if there was one.   I didn't stay long, I didn't even scroll but having it there on the screen was comforting.  All my friends and family tucked happily away in one place. 

So the meeting was a success. No rule changes this week because we both still need to work on what's already in place. We both need to step up to the plate again and swing for all it's worth. Nothing less than home runs. 

Then he reaches into the cabinet of horrors and pulls out the hairbrush. Really?  I thought we were just talking here. He gently explains that this will put us back on track.  Help me remember who's in charge. Help me focus on changing my attitude and tone.   Just a little touch-up. 

I was hesitant about crossing his lap. He gave me time (not much tho) to set myself in place. I felt vulnerable and safe. This one wouldn't be because he is mad or disappointed with me.  This one is because he loves me. 

The first week

Here it is the last few moments of the first full week of our new journey. I can't say I've enjoyed the entire ride so far but I know we are on the right path. 

I feel loved and wanted. I feel safe & secure. I feel spoiled & protected. I feel happy. Happy has been hard to find lately and I've realized it was mostly my fault. Once I started taking responsibility for my actions, I became calmer, more sane. 

This week of dd has brought out all the firsts.  First spanking to break us into the lifestyle. It kind of gave us a base for where we would begin. A kind of clear the air, start a new chapter. The past is the past, all is forgiven and we march on.  The first punishment spanking which was well deserved after a few rule breaking moments. Followed by the first swats of "oh no you didn't just do that" after a refusal of punishment. Silly thing was, it wasn't even a spanking I was refusing. That's what I got plus the original punishment. 

It wasn't all spanking & punishment though.  It was communication and a togetherness we haven't shared in a long while. It was an accountability statement for both of us. It was our way of finding the love we've shared for 20 years. 

I'm looking back on this first week, I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself but I know that he is right behind me for support however I may need it. I know he loves me, he tells me everyday. I know he misses me when I'm away as I miss him.   He shows me everyday. I will do the best I can to make him happy and show him how much I love him too. 

Rumor has it that maintenance starts next week. I'll let you know how that goes.  I do know that I won't refuse. See I am learning!!!

Oh no you didn't

Let me start by saying I did not sleep well that night. Too many things going round and round, spinning in my head.  Watching the hours go by, waking up every 2 or 3 hours starting all over trying to regain control of sleep. 

The alarm went off, the snooze was pushed. I finally found sleep in that short 9 minutes. Trouble was, he knows I should be up. So 4 minutes late, that's not so bad, right?  He can't possibly be that upset over 4 minutes, could he?  He didn't say anything.  Whew, in the clear. I did have an excuse in case he asked but he didn't ask. 

I showered and continued on my morning routine, getting ready for work. Helping make sure the kids left on time, brushed what needs brushing, wearing what needs wearing. Typical morning stuff. Then they were soon out the door and gone for the day. My turn to finish up and get going as well. 

His version of silent spanking is what I like to refer to as Star Trek panties. The kind that go where none have gone before. Extremely uncomfortable and a rule breaker to fidget with. 
He asked me to change into the special panties, which I did but rather pouty and really upset about it. 

"You're not pouting are you?" He asks knowing the answer. 
"Yes, kind of"
His simple why led to an explanation reeking of defiance. 
"I just don't want to be uncomfortable all day at work"

I know. Think first, speak second, never act. Oops too late!  Almost as soon as the words flood from my mouth, I knew it was the wrong thing to say. 

"Ok, you can take them off" he says while reaching into the cabinet of horrors. 
"No, I'll wear them.  It's ok."
"Too late for that now.  You will not pout when I give you a punishment whether you like it or not. Off they go and get ready"

The lecture included me begging a little and then admitting to what I had done. He didn't want to spank me, I gave him no choice. It was 20 hard swats with the dreaded evil stick. That thing stings like crazy and has a way of reminding you of its visit for hours if not days later.   I was sorry for my behavior, we hugged and all was forgiven.  

"Now put the panties back on and get dressed for work." 

I still had to wear the miserable panties for the day. All I gained was a red bottom to go with them. 

Hang tight, I'm still learning!

Sit on it!

Well I asked for it.  I asked for this new lifestyle.  I guess part of me(ok most of me) fantasized over the actuality of it. No stopping the train now, he's fully on board and more aware than ever of the things I/we need to work on.  Up until last night I felt I held all the cards.  Controlling the situation, steering the conversations my way. Until .....
He says we need to talk. Scared but I follow him to the bedroom. He explains that we start tonight with a kind of clear the air, introduction spanking. WHaaat?  Head spinning, but listening to him. Telling me when and how to prepare.   It would come later that night. 
I prepared as expected. Doing everything he asked, everything required. I waited for what I knew as coming. 
He was nervous, I was nervous. All fours, not bare (whew). I think he tried everything in his stash. It wasn't long, it was firm. It will be remembered. 

And then a full day of DD. Our first real first whole day. 

After last night, I was trying everything to be good. I blew it by breakfast. I don't know why I let that child get under my skin like that. She snapped at me, I snapped at her and my day began in trouble.   

We spent the day together. Talking, laughing.  Just being the couple we used to be. Happy with each other. Blew it again as I yelled at him for his driving skills. Basically I scared him, he almost hit another car. Oops - knew immediately after it happened that I had been disrespectful and rude. I apologized many time in the next few hours.  Still, we walked and talked, happy just to be together.  There have been many years where those simple outbursts from me would ruin a week or two. Today, there was peace. 

When we got home this evening the dreaded "we need to talk". Butterflies flying inside my stomach. Nerves taking their toll. He asked about my day.  I confessed everything. He was there, not much to hide. I was ashamed I couldn't do better for him on the first real day of dd. I was embarrassed. I knew I'd asked for this & even I couldn't follow through for one day.   Scared but willing to accept my punishment, I listened to the lecture. Then 30 minutes in the corner with horrible awful uncomfortable Star Trek underwear ONLY!! (The kind that go where non has gone before)  He said I did well for the first day. He was proud there weren't more incidents.  He knows me so well. 

Corner time sucked. I had too much time to think.  To much time to wonder if he was really just putting me there to get me from behind. I was fidgety, wiggled way to much. Not to mention the shorts running up. Oh how I hate the ones that ride up. (Like I said, he knows me well).   I'm thankful he gave me time to reflect on my behavior in such a way.   Last nights introduction wasn't to be forgotten either as it totally reminded me from time to time. 

I'm happy. I'm content. I'm loved. 

Oh he lectured me that I hadn't kissed him or hugged him all day & that had to change. I was not to forget to do these things. I love that man!!!

Punishment hurts!

How did I get here?  How did I break such an important rule?  Why, in that moment, did I let my anger get the best of me?  

It was a typical morning.  Work was moving along just fine until ...  

Really?  Could these people be so disrespectful?  Profanity laced outbursts directed at no one and everyone all at once.  Not really a screaming fit as much as a tantrum. I have trouble with people leaving such a mess in a shared space. It's rude & disrespectful. 

I felt horrible after.  I texted Fonzi and told him everything. He said we would talk when I got home. The rest of the day went pretty well.  I'm sure there were a few other things I did wrong that day added to the events from yesterday.  Our conversation that night was geared more to an understanding of the rules and how they apply in real life situations.  How even when we are not together, they are there for my/our overall well being. I felt horrible, I knew I had again let him down.  I knew I was in for something to remember but it would wait until morning when there were fewer people in the house. 

I knew from last night that this mornings punishment spanking would be intense. He did not let me down. I came out of the shower to see ALL his tools lined up neatly on the bed.  Butterflies again. No way out of it. So, after the last kid left for the day, it was a trip to the bedroom to remember. OTB.  I laid down and tried to get as still and quiet as I could. He told me again why I was here. Calm & relaxed, lecturing softly. 

The warm up was quick, the stick was fierce and the paddle brush was intense. I honestly can't remember if there were more or if he used one twice. It felt more like he was using them all at once. I tried to be still, steel my resolve into not moving around but it was impossible. I wanted to sink so far into the bed that he couldn't reach me anymore. We took a break so I could calm down. Once calm, it began again. The rolling around, the hands trying to cover. I did not take my first punishment spanking well at all.  When it was over, he snuggled me, rubbed my back and told me it was ok and how much he love me. 

A quick look in the mirror confirmed what I knew. This color would last a few days and change a few shades of purple along the way. 

I dressed for work. What a day and it had only just began. 

I learned that everything I do affects someone else in some way. Whether I'm late or throwing a tantrum. I may not be hurting anyone but my actions do come with consequences. I will get angry again but next time, I won't lose my temper & have a tantrum.   

Please be patient with me, I'm not done learning yet. 

Our New Journey

I finally got up enough courage to talk to him. Tell him what I knew, how I felt, how I wanted more.  I guess it started out of guilt or jealousy. 

He left his phone.  I, being the curious jealous type that I am, had to look through the texts, the Facebook messages, everything. I didn't like what I found. I found it the wrong way. In my defense, it should never have been there to find. He was wrong, he hurt me.  I reacted badly.  Stomping through the house, acting like a brat, silent treatments, the whole works. I didn't talk to him. For weeks, a built up rage & frustration building. Was he leaving me?  Was he cheating on me?  What did these messages or other people give him that I wasn't. So, I talked to him. 

Incredible guilt and no release, I searched for a way to relieve the stress. Why not a spanking. Spanking alway eased the guilt when I was a child. All was forgiven after. Punishment served. I searched for information on this. What appealed to me.  Was it the wham bam it's over ma'am or was it a sexy thrill. No, it needed to be more. It needs to bring us closer together, more in unison, more in love. 

I found blog after blog about DD and in reading what these women were writing, felt in my heart that I knew what they were feeling.  I felt it too.  My life out of control, me trying to control it with no success. I need direction.  I need consequences. I need to feel close to him again. I need him to help me.  I want him to help me.  I'm flawed, there's no denying that.  I don't need my flaws to push him away.   Pushing him into another's arms. 

I told him what I knew.  Told him how I felt.  Everything, ok almost everything, out in the open. I haven't told him how I know, haven't said those words out loud. I didn't trust you, so I searched your phone. Hard still to admit. I didn't trust him.  

I asked him to do research of his own about DD. For the first time in years, we talked.  Openly honestly, we talked. What I needed, why I needed it.  What he wanted, why he wanted it.  I feel I need him to take control back.  I have too much, and I'm going to break.  My faults are getting bigger, more numerous to count.  We decided to give ourselves to this new life. He will take control.  He will help me be the person I want to be, the woman he loves. He will take responsibility of his own actions becoming the man I fell in love with. 

So list making we've started. What he wants, what I want, what needs to be corrected and how. I'm ready for this new journey. I don't know if this will be the happy ending I'm looking for or a hellish nightmare but I know we need to try.   I'm ready to be the woman he deserves. 

I love him!!  He deserves me to be the best I can be.  With his help & guidance, love & support, I will be.