Emotions

It's been a while since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone, seems like yesterday.  I'm to a point where I'm not sure what to write about. I seem to get in trouble all the time and really this place has been a reflection spot for me. I've read back on everything we've gone through and see how far we've actually come. I've changed, he's changed and best of all we are changing.

I have felt more emotions in the last 11 weeks. All of them really.   Today I was in trouble for my mouth. Some stuff I said yesterday, some magical words I'm not allowed to say any more were texted over and over again. I knew I was in trouble, I was on his lap, bottom bared and waiting when he said to me "you really need to watch what come out of your mouth". He was being serious, I got the giggles. When he asked why I was laughing, I told him it wasn't my mouth, it was my fingers. Oh the humor didn't last long. The problem was, I never got my head into that remorseful state where the spanking was going to help. Once it started, I wanted to be there but never made it.  So when he made me kneel for the first time ever in the corner, I just got mad.  From giggles to mad in under 5 minutes, gotta be a record in there somewhere.

Well mad led to attitude and as we all know, I have trouble sharing why I'm upset. Little more attitude, little more serious hubby. (Seriously, this man has too much patience with me)  I did tell him the corner time just upset me. He didn't really say much, just gave me a look of "really". Which I should have read as a warning but I didn't.   So mad brat escapes and runs amok in the house. Stomping, slamming doors,rolling eyes, I knew she was out & didn't care.

I was, however, somewhat in control believe it or not. I did mind my rules about texting him when I got to my destination and asking for things I wanted to have but were at his discretion as to whether I can have them or not. I was still mad, just not crazy.   He texted me about what was wrong and knowing I went over that line. I asked if I was I was in trouble. He replied with a definite yes.

What I found myself feeling was relief and happiness. I don't know why but all of a sudden the dark cloud that was my mood, along with the brat, disappeared. I'm not worried about the consequences for the trouble. I'm ok with whatever comes. What I know is he loves me enough to still want to be near me when I'm a miserable brat.  

Still seems rather strange to me that I can feel all this in such a short amount of time. I'm glad the black cloud lifted. I'm glad it was his text that made it go away. He loves me. He wants me. He wants us!  I'm still learning and soon I'll be able to control that brat all the time. (HA I won't hold my breath for anytime real soon). I'm grateful Fonzi is a patient man. I love him!!  We're still on this journey together!!

Bad week

It's been one if those weeks where nothing seems to go right. I've been off and somewhere let the brat out to play and never put her back. I've let the disconnection and misunderstanding grow into a mountain instead of just facing it head on and making it go away. It's my fault (mostly) and I'm ready to admit it. 

To say I've been disrespectful and disobedient are understatements. I've done things just to do them. Said things just to say them. Why?  Because I was mad and upset. I really need to control that side of me better. I need to talk through my feelings rather than hoping they show enough on my sleeves to get his attention. They never do. He knows when something is wrong but he cannot pinpoint exactly what it is it what it means.   

It all started when I was playfully telling him NO but it wasn't really playful as I really didn't do what he wanted. I just didn't want to comply, I chose not to. I spent the test of the morning doing pretty much the same thing. Playfully pushing buttons I knew would make him do something. Anything!  A firm warning, a swat, a look but nothing. Later, a few texts telling me how disrespectful I was and a new list of chores that had to be done or else. (I've so not finished that list yet either). The "we will talk" text mid day sent shivers down my spine. 

The problem was nothing happened. He didn't get upset, no look was given, not one word of lecture or impending doom. I felt abandoned and hurt. Not that I wanted trouble but I guess I was looking for it. The next morning, nothing. The afternoon, nothing. It was as if he completely forgot ME!!  I did what any brat would do, broke a few more rules and backed away from him. I became distant and unreachable. I shut down. I'd been craving the connection but didn't realize it and when it didn't come, I closed (slammed would be closer to the truth) the door. 

I see it now so much more clearly than I did before. The fog has lifted and the brat has been silenced (for a while at least). I talked to him, he heard me. I don't know what the solution is or when it will come but I know he's trying. I know he still loves me. 

As for the rules I broke, the things I said or did, I am deeply sorry. It was wrong, I apologize. I haven't confessed them but I will if I am asked to make an accounting of them.  So far, he hasn't asked but I'm sure it's because he can guess what they are. I wasn't hiding when I did them, I won't hide from them now. (There are probably a few I hid better than others)

I'm still sitting just fine as of this writing. I'm still waiting for his final say, but I am done being a brat (for now LOL). 

It's our journey, it's our path. I am learning to follow. He is learning to lead. As always, be patient with me, I'm a slow learner somedays. 

The daily battle

I made it. I finished a week of daily maintenance without dying. Oh how I thought I might in the beginning but looking back, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.   I'm glad he took the time to reset our journey. My behavior almost derailed the train way too early and that would have been horrible. He loves me enough to right the wrongs and continue.  

Day 1 - no maintenance due to the fact the weekend yielded 5 (3 severe) spankings. He was sweet and gave me grace to allow my bottom a moment to recover. 

Days 2-5 - no more grace. Maintenance delivered and received. Boy was I one sore but content wife. 

Day 6 - Family visiting - no maintenance but I could  feel the brat escaping 

Day 7 - regular maintenance day but the brat escaped before maintenance. Ouch!

It was a tough week and I survived. He told me during our weekly meeting that he didn't like the daily maintenance, so it was over. He said, it felt like he was spanking me for no reason at all. I was surprised by my reaction. I told him, I deserved the spankings (gulp! Ya I said it). I had taken us to a place where he doubted I wanted to be on the journey. I didn't want to make him feel that way and I'm glad he took the reins and put us back on track. I told him how proud of him I was. How loved I felt. And as much as I didn't like the daily maintenance, I knew I was well behaved all week because of it.  I knew a misstep would not end well and on a sore bottom, it would be worse. I was more submissive, I was more his. He was in control and I let him lead. I told him how much I loved him being in control. I was/am content and happy. The incident has been well forgiven and I'm finally able to let it go. Let go of the guilt and frustration, the unhappiness of it all and just be us again.  

But......

Now I want and crave more. I need to know he's thinking about me when we are apart. Mostly because right now, we are more apart than together. We work opposite shifts. We spend nights together - sleeping.  I want to know he cares what I say, what I eat or drink or lately what I don't eat. That keeping me safe and protected is always in his mind.   That he is truly concerned with my health and happiness.  I want him to know it's ok to set boundaries for me.  It's ok to tell me no. It's ok to control the brat when he does say no. (She will be there I'm sure).  

Sometimes, I feel he holds back not wanting to smother me with rules and enforcement. So I wait, going over the scenes in my mind. Playing out the different scenarios until I'm sure I know how it will go. Then it doesn't go anywhere at all and I'm left feeling empty again wanting him to do more.   I'm not empty, not really. Just wanting.   In my mind, I know this needs to progress at it's own pace and I cannot control it anymore than I can control the rain. Yet I push. Patience is not a strong character trait for me.  I'm too good at making the stories in my head, the fantasies, seem so appealing I can't wait for them to be real.  They seldom are.  I will wait for him.  I will follow him. He is my path & I will not stray (no matter how cute the squirrels are the forest). 

I am learning to silence the brat and follow where the path takes me. It's our journey and it might take us years but we will get there - TOGETHER!!!!  Because really there is no other happy ending than the one we make as one!!

Major Lesson Learned

I wasn't going to write about this incident but I've learned so much from it and grown so much, I thought I needed to write it down in case I forget where I came from down the line.  

Basically, it all started from a stress filled attitude problem.  It's just been crazy here lately.  Family drama eventually takes a toll on everyone and for me that means being disrespectful to the one person who justs wants to keep me happy. I totally deserved the attitude adjustment and accepted it with no problems. He put me in the corner and lectured a bit more. Upon releasing me he asked me to do something on a submissive level.  No bra for most of the day. 

(This is where it goes totally wrong)

I didn't want to do it. I didn't want any part of this punishment. I begged for him to change his mind but he stood his ground. Just looking at me with the "really?" expression on his face. He called me back across his lap for round #2. Another firm spanking for disobedience. Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to just submit to his punishment. I looked for ways to get away with not doing it.  I shut down and sat on the floor of the closet and refused to come out.  When he asked what was wrong, I tried to deny it at first but he knew. He cautioned me not to go down this road but I was stubborn and not hearing him. Maybe thirty minutes later, he relented and let me off of this punishment. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself and asked the question. "What is so hard about just doing what he asked?  Why do you need to stand so firm on this?  Is it worth it?"  Now, with tears in my eyes, I gave in to his request.   It took me some time to get there but I did submit. (I think that's important). It was too late, he didn't care. He was relieved I guess that I got there, but not how long it took me. He promised, I would pay for my disobedience later.  When later came, it was a severe spanking but it lacked something. 

The next day, still overcome with guilt and sadness, I spoke with him. I told him how I felt. That I know all was supposed to be forgiven, but it didn't feel right.  I still felt immense guilt. I felt like he was still very upset with me, like it wasn't over. He asked me to drop it and let it go but I couldn't. It wasn't over.   We talked a lot that day about what went wrong. How my actions of disobedience to him was as if I was telling him I didn't want this journey anymore. He felt my not being able to submit was way bigger than just defiance. I didn't see it that way until he brought it up. I told him for me it was more about being vulnerable around other people. Being exposed to people like that was too much for me. He understood, he promised to take that particular punishment off the table.   It was never meant to affect me so negatively emotionally. 

He always would have kept me safe no matter how exposed I felt.   This is what got me to the point of submission. Even in trouble, he would keep me safe. His only concern was for me. He warned me against disobedience for my own good. He spanked me for my own good. 

He decided to get us back on track, he would give me two more spankings.  Basically one then and one later. Both to be severe punishment spanking, both to be remembered for a good long while. (But wait, there's more). He wrote out a stricter list of rules and a daily reminder spanking starting  the next day and on for at least a week. 

I know now that I was asking him to give me 100% of himself but I wasn't willing to give him 100% of me. I told myself I was, but I wasn't really. I still wanted some sense of control. I was picking and choosing how I would be submissive.  After all the spankings, I felt better.  I felt at peace finally. I no longer want to control this. I want him to lead me. I need him to lead me. 

Today is day #3 of daily reminders and I'm not sure right now my bottom can take much more. I will not fuss or fight it. I know he's doing this for us. I know he is right. He made his decision to continue us on our journey and I will follow his lead. 

I learned a lot about myself and Fonzi. This isn't a straight and narrow path, it's a lot of work. I'm glad we are learning and growing together. 

Lost & Confused

Why is it so hard to tell him all that I need and want. Somehow I have no problem telling him the things I've done wrong, the things that get me in trouble but not what is beneath. The why consumes me. The wants and needs. 

I've been thinking about why I constantly disobey or why I'm not feeling as submissive as I want to and I think it boils down to a desire to feel completely dominated. Like give away control and not worry about ever having to feel that way again. I don't feel like I can give up that control. Not yet. It's like some part of me still is trying to control everything and until that demon goes away, I'll be unhappy.

I don't know that it's in him to give me what I want. I don't know that his personality is to be so controlling.  Protective.  Maybe that's part of it too.  Maybe I need him to be overly protective of me. To watch out for me always. To have my back covered at all times. To keep me safe from myself or anything else. To hold me close always and not let me wander, even if it's just my mind wandering. My mind tends to wander a lot and sometimes it doesn't come back. 

Don't get me wrong.  I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. I just want something on a deeper level.  To feel his love when he's not near me.  Some way for him to be with me 24/7.  I know that my being more submissive to him, even when he's not around, will help but how do I get there if he doesn't demand me to be there. 

I feel so selfish.  So out of control, full of stress.  I'm trying but I'm not succeeding. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not really living in this moment. 

I'm lost but I'm willing to learn. I'm still on this journey as long as he's on it with me. 

I know the path is still ahead of us, we've just slid off the trail for a minute.

     This photo is mine.  All rights belong to me!!