Stories

Update:  The rest of the story was posted.  I hope you like it!

Most of you know, if you've read here for awhile, that I wrote a story. It's called The Sherriff and I finally decided what the hell and posted a short bit of it. If everyone wants to read the rest, I'll post it. This is just to see if anyone actually likes it.

Click on the tab next to the home button - the title of the page is the story. 

Thanks for reading the blog and if you choose, the stories as well. 

E

A Break

"A break". The two most devastating words in my life right now. 

After almost two years of DD, I'm not sure how to be anything else. I'm not sure I want to. The place we were before was so sad and lonely.  I was angry all the time. I was pushing everyone I loved away from me. I was depressed. I wasn't loveable. 

So he's not sure he wants DD anymore.  What it feels like is he isn't accepting of me or who I am. I know his decision isn't about me, it's about him and where his mind is. I'm trying to accept that but it's hard. I've told him many times how I feel and why this is important to me and he doesn't respond. He doesn't share what he wants or what he feels. I never know. I'm shut out right now. 

I don't want to be his roommate. I don't want to go back to the way it was before. The me before!  I'm so confused. So lost.   

When did we take this detour?  Who set up this road block?  How & when do we find the road back to happy and content?  

Driving

I've been thinking about why I want to be submissive to him, only him. The more I think about it, and read different definitions of it, I realize I'm not as submissive as I want to be. I can't break through the tough independent woman I have been forever without feeling guilty. 

I drive everywhere. Literally and figuratively. I drive to get where I'm going, to get people where they need to go, errands and whatever. I also drive me.  I drive myself to control the chaos in my life. I try to make everyone else happy and in doing so I've given all of me to everyone else for as long as I can remember. I've always been the grown up one, more mature, more common sense, more smarts than the others. People come to me for advice and often I have some good stuff.  The advice I give them, I can't give myself. I wish I could.  I take care of everyone, it's time to take care of me. For this, I'm called selfish. 

I don't need to rely on anyone. I can do this all myself. I have done it all myself. I've been driving in my world and I've finally run out of gas. I want to give my submission so that I can please only one person, instead of everyone. So he can help me control who gets my time and attention. So he can help me drive. 

I don't think it's selfish to not want to drive anymore. Yet I feel guilty that I want to be driven instead. I want to sit back and relax on the journey instead of worrying about how or when we will get there.  

I'm better since starting this adventure but I still need and want more.  It's not a secret to myself or him that my submission requires his dominance. Here's the major guilty part. I feel like I'm asking for someone he isn't wanting to give. I don't think he wants to drive. I don't know if he's ready to continue on our adventure.  He's not consistent in enforcing the rules.  I'm definately not very submissive in following them. How can either of us succeed in our roles?  Why would either of us want to?

I don't have any answers. I know I'm tired of driving but if I don't drive, I get nowhere. I know I can't sit in the car waiting for someone to turn on the music or take the car out of park.  I'm lost and I don't know how to get back on track.