I QUIT!!

A couple weeks ago I cried for no reason during a seemingly normal event. I didn't want it to ruin our future but it did. I never blamed him for what happened but somewhere along the way I guess he blamed himself. I still don't know what caused it, I guess even after 2 weeks we will never know what it really was. It just was. I tried to move past it, I did move beyond it with the help of my friends. Unfortunately, he was frozen in that space of fear and the unknown. 

I'm often told (because I'm hard headed and don't listen) that in order for him to lead, I need to give him a reason to. In my defense, let me say I needed to get past this issue. Needed the closure, needed him to, well, lead.  I was so lost in my needs that I never fully understood his.  He wasn't talking,meant leading, wasn't anything. He avoided me for days, ignored my blatant attempts to find trouble, basically shut down and quit operating. 

The more he retreated into his shell, the more I found myself lost. It's a jungle out there and I no longer had a map. So I did what any self respecting brat would do - I quit!  I gave up.   

I couldn't continue the mascarade of wanting a lifestyle he was incapable of giving me. I put everything away. Out fm sight, out f mind. I refused to speak of DD, refused to follow the rules (not that I was following them anyway). If DD was coming back, it would be his decision. I wouldn't push, I wouldn't explain why I was right (I'm always right - right?) about this lifestyle being right for us. I quit!

I was stressed from the holiday. Too much happening all at once. I didn't need the chaos but there it was all around. I was over whelmed, lost and out f control. I had spiraled so far down there was no up anymore. Once I decided to push DD out of my life, quit being dependent on it, I realized I was unhappy again. Still, I quit.  

Then yesterday, a text. I was told to have his dinner ready and be waiting for him when he got home.  Which I did but still he didn't talk to me. Ate in silence, staring at his computer screen.  By bedtime his tone changed and he was no longer lost and afraid. 

He told me how he'd failed to lead & how I had also failed to submit.  He set me in the corner to contemplate. He was putting us back on track. He never gave up, he just couldn't see the path. He asked me why I hid (put away) the implements. I told him I had quit, I couldn't continue to push this if he wasn't willing or able to continue. I wanted the next step to come from him and not having that stuff around wouldn't influence his decision. He understood but said I should have talked to him first. 

So he spanked me. It wasn't horrible and honestly could have been worse. We reconnected and all the rules are being enforced and I'll be held accountable again.  I'm encouraged and content.  My quitting was short lived and all things DD related have been returned to their cabinet as instructed. 

The journey isn't all easy and we learn from each event. It's not always the event we learn from. Sometimes it's the way we dealt with the event or each other. It's been 20 months on this road and we are still learning and growing. We still have a lot t learn but at least I know he's willing to learn and grow with me. 

What is wrong with me?

Something happened yesterday that emotionally drained me and left me feeling completely empty. I still can't explain what happened and the why isn't becoming clearer. It left Fonzi in such a state, he didn't know how to deal with me or the situation. Needless to say, I'm writing out of confusion and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.   Sorry if you can't follow or it's not my typical type of post but hey it's my blog, I'm being true to me. 

So yesterday after being apart all day, he tells me he wants to visit the bedroom. Usually a bad sign for my butt except I was not in trouble. The would be one of the fun trips to the bedroom. Ok I'm up for that. He wasn't overly dominant, I wasn't anywhere near submissive but hey, sex is sex and I'll take it. He had a paddle (well a light saber looking thing) but he wasn't using it. Nothing unusual going on, nothing new. Sex was good, like really good. I was relaxed, it was nice. Again nothing unusual.   Until it was. I readjusted my position which my now dominant hubby took offense at. He pulled my hair, yelled at me that I don't get to move unless I ask. I apologized but it was too late. I was in full on sobbing tears. 

Let me state, nothing was unusual except the tears. I've never cried before. He's pulled my hair, he's lectured me for moving.  He's swatted me for less. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't damaged in any way but I was crying. The ugly full sobs runny nose kind of crying. In my head I tried to rationalize it, make myself stop. Try as I may, I couldn't figure out why it started so making it stop was impossible.   He asked why I was crying and I said I don't know. I honestly didn't know. I still don't.   He freaked out. He didn't know if he'd hurt me, he was as lost as I was.   So now we are both sitting there after not knowing what to do. 

Emotionally I was empty. I wasn't feeling anything. I sat on the edge of he bed and while the crying stopped, I wasn't ok. I still have trouble explaining how I felt even to myself (& I was there). It was at this point surreal. Like I wasn't really there. I just sat. 

He eventually asked what he could do for me. I asked simply to be held. I know he was freaked because at this point he would grab me full bear hug and just hold me until I was struggling to be freed. He kinda side armed me. That really didn't help my lost and empty feeling but it was better than him walking away and leaving me there by myself.   It's a lesson we had to learn the hard way. 

So even tho I don't know why there were tears and I've had some maybe sorta ideas.  Like we weren't really in a full on Dom/sub mindset when he suddenly switched, it was too much too fast and it triggered tears. That's really my only idea, the rest didn't even make sense in my own head, no sense putting them on paper. Anyway, the point is, no I don't know why there were tears, but I know what I needed after. I didn't then, he didn't either and we struggled all night because of it. What I needed at that moment, when I needed to be held, I needed to be cuddled deeply and loved until I couldn't be held anymore. Maybe it would have been short, maybe I would have fallen asleep in his arms but I needed to feel safe in that moment. I needed my happy spot. Snuggled tightly, big heavy arms wrapped around me in an embrace that would normally suffocate me. I needed him. My rock, my center, my everything. 

I've told him he needs to hold me better next time and I hope he can read this and see I'm not making this about his failure. It's not about failure, it's about learning. It's about moving past whatever this was and growing. No, we don't know what caused it.  It may happen again. What we learned was what I need to get through it. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. We are perfect for each other. 

We are still learning, still growing and still moving forward. At least with all these new experiences, he will never get bored with me.