In a funk

Ever had that one thing happen that immediately ruins your day?  How about your whole outlook on life itself?  It's a big deal but really only in my head. Everyone is telling me how it'll all work out just fine. Blah blah blah. The life goes on speech.  Problem is, I don't want to hear about life's not fair and it'll get better. I want to pout about it for a time. I should be able to pout about it.  I should be able to be mad and upset.

I should be able to do that so long as I stay within my boundaries. I am able to be whatever I need to be. I'm just not able to do it within my boundaries. Unfortunately, they are restrictive in that regard. They are supposed to be. The guidelines we've set forth are for us. To keep us focused on the big prize - a happy harmonious peaceful marriage. 

I'm almost over it.  I'm starting to feel better about the world and being a part of it again. I also feel really guilty about all those things I did in my (for lack of better word) tantrum.  I confessed. To all of it. 

What I really wanted was for Fonzi to be my rock. My safe place. Even though he was partly to blame for my unhappiness, he stood firm never yielding to my emotional state. Steering us ever so quietly through the storm. We've reached the harbor and I think the the boat will be in for some repairs. 

I'm slowly learning to control my temper.  Following the rules when I'm mad is a huge hurdle I have yet to clear. There is a lot of work to do on this path and we are still moving forward.  I'm a work in progress and I'm not done learning yet. 

The rainbow

I wasn't going to write about this as I've discussed it a thousand times but I realize that this blog serves as my reminder to not do these things again. A sort of diary of the stupid things that get me in trouble. Really there should be a thousand entries already in our 4 month journey but even I can't figure out why I do some of the things I do. 

So this day started out like any other. Making plans for a Saturday together. We decided to go shopping and to lunch.  I was already starving. Never good as my mood swings are easier to trigger when I'm hungry or tired.   Well plans change as plans do when other people get involved. Now instead of the two of us, it's now us and both girls. No longer lunch where I suggested and had my sights set on but wherever the mood takes us when we get where we are going. (Do you see this starting to unravel). No longer shopping where I wanted to go bet where the others wanted to go. No more about us as a couple, now it's us as parents. 

We hit store #1 and as I am looking around I noticed I was alone. They had gone another direction and not one of them bothered to tell me. (Did I mention I was hungry and prone to irrational moments?). Strike one!  Another smart mouth rude comment from a kid and I was over the edge. I thought I had it under control. I didn't yell or argue just got quiet and sullen. What I didn't do was clue him in as what was wrong. I really did try to get past it myself. I didn't want to ruin his time because of my hurt feelings. It was probably just hunger and I would feel better after we ate.  Right?  Well not so much. I had already decided what I wanted to eat and we didn't go there so at this point it really didn't matter to me.  Just pick something. I'll be fine. 

So apparently the quiet sullen wife who was saying anything was getting on his radar of trouble. (There should b audible warning systems in place). When I told him "it doesn't matter" I pushed the fire all weapons button and sent the day into a downward spiral I couldn't recover from.  He quit talkin to me, wouldn't look at me and his responses were short or "it doesn't matter". Yep doom was into future. 

We were never alone, I couldn't fix it at this point as I didn't know how. I knew I wanted it over but now he was upset and  it would blow up eventually.  I'd ruined the afternoon because I couldn't just drop it sooner. 

A few hours after being home, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He asked what happened and I told him I let something the kid said get to me. He grabbed my hand again and led me to the kid. He sat us both down and told us how he needed us to get over it. (Love this side of him). He held us both accountable for what had happened. 

Once that was settled and we were alone in the house the real trouble began. I was led back to the bedroom. He said let's gets this over with so hopefully I can put it past us. He was still really upset and I knew it would be more severe than normal severe. I don't remember all the details of the actual spanking. There was no warm up, it hurt, I wiggled a lot. Couldn't stay in position to save my life (which I thought it might at some point). He threw down the impliments and walked away not releasing me. Just left. I laid there crying, not from the punishment but from the abandonment. I cried because I'd hurt him so deeply and I couldn't even be still long enough to end it for both of us. When he came back, it started again. He was calmer but still mad. I still wiggled but did my best. 

Finally I was over. A hug, a kiss - forgiveness. 

I never thought it was pilots subtle to be spanked until you couldn't sit down. I'd never been there.  Having now been there, I'm trying every thing NOT to go back. I spent a few hours on my tummy, slept on my tummy and wished for relief. 

The morning brought a rainbow of colors all across my bottom. I think I saw every color in a crayon box. I would not be comfortable again for a long time. I was ok with that. It's like a badge if forgiveness. I know at one time he wouldn't have cared to make us right. It would have eaten away at us for weeks or months. I know because he did take care of it that he loves me. He wants us to still be us. We are still ok. 

I learned to speak up. What I want does matter. I might not get it all the time and I'm learning to deal with that too. I do matter to him. My thoughts and feelings are as important now as they ever were. Only now, I know he hears me. He wants to hear me, wants to make me happy and keep me safe. 

It's not an easy path we are on and really no marriage ever should be. One the path is easy, it's boring and easy to push aside. I like the rocky path, it keeps us trying. I'm still learning everyday in this journey & I'm still so glad he's there beside me. 

My Husband/Best Friend/HoH

Four months ago I brought a completely new dynamic to our marriage.  I asked him to research Domestic Discipline.  I thought it could help fix some of the problems we had.  I thought it was an out of the box solution in a otherwise hopeless existence.  I was there.  Ready to leave before he left me.  I was ready to throw away 20 years with my best friend.  He wasn't there for me and I really did think he ever could be again.  I'm glad I was wrong.

Upon being given this opportunity to research and change the way we do things, he leaped right in.  He started doing his own research online and with me.  Asking challenging questions I really had to think to answer.  He was involved for the first time in over 10 years.  He was talking to me, it was a start.
I explained the whys:  why I thought it would help, why I wanted it, why I wanted us.  He was game.  It took him 4 days.  I'm lucky as not everyone has a partner who jumps right in and decides to do this.
I got one last "are you sure" as there is not going back speech.  

He gone in 4 months from "I could never hurt you" to "it's supposed to hurt".  From "I could never use that" to "that could work".  And my all time favorite:  I could never mix business with pleasure.  (still working on that but it's coming along).

He's amazing.  He's taken the lead, taken back all the control I so longed to be relieved of and no longer holds on to the frustration that I can cause. He allows me to be me while still keeping a firm grasp on us.  He has stopped letting me be THAT person.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I am thankful for him.  I am in love with my best friend again.  I'm sure he is in love with me again.  He tells me all the time.

We have our problems, it's not been a bed of roses.  We don't communicate as much as we should.  I still tend to bottle things up until I just can't hold it in anymore.  He doesn't talk unless prompted.  I find that extremely frustrating.  That feeling like if I don't start a conversation, there won't be one.  I often just sit and wait for him to want to talk to me about anything but he often doesn't.  

I've re-read the blog entries and realize that from where we started to where we are in just 4 months has been a long long journey. I was so naive then as to what a punishment truly was.  I guess at the time, I never imagined they could be so much worse.  I also never imagined that I would feel so much in such a short time.  I think I've lived every emotion there is more than once.  I still feel totally vulnerable and needy most of the time.  

It feels like we've been on this journey forever but also that it's just started.  As long as we are still learning, we will continue.  It's our journey and I'm glad I'm on it with my best friend.  

Time

I've been on a roller coaster of highs and lows over the last few weeks. Not really knowing what I could write that would make me or anyone else feel better. So instead of grabbing the tablet and letting things flow, I've bottled up and started to become resentful. 

It's not that DD has taken a back seat or gone away completely, it's just the way we're doing it isn't as effective as it should or could be. I still stay in trouble and it's not consistency that's the problem. So what is?  Time!

I thought with the start of his new shift, he'd have time for me. Time to talk, time to laugh, time to just be us again. That's not the case. We do have time together but we don't talk to each other. We've been talking at each other for so long, we've slipped back into then habit. He doesn't see that I need more than just a "hi, how are you". I want full long conversations about everything and nothing. All we talk about is what kind of trouble I've caused for myself. What I did or didn't do. Why can't we talk about something silly and stupid. Everything is always serious, followed by well ......

He makes time for the kids, his family and everyone else. He makes sure to do what they need or want him to do and I'm pushed to the side waiting - again. I'm resentful of that. I know he's a great father, brother, friend, yes and husband but what about companion?  If we go out to dinner, I'm left trying to carry or start a conversation that he barely puts any effort into. Why bother?  I just get out my phone too. 

I don't know what I'm saying. Right now, I'm sitting here beside him and he's sleeping. Always sleeping. I feel alone.   Maybe this wasn't the place to vent but this is my safe place. 

Emotions

It's been a while since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone, seems like yesterday.  I'm to a point where I'm not sure what to write about. I seem to get in trouble all the time and really this place has been a reflection spot for me. I've read back on everything we've gone through and see how far we've actually come. I've changed, he's changed and best of all we are changing.

I have felt more emotions in the last 11 weeks. All of them really.   Today I was in trouble for my mouth. Some stuff I said yesterday, some magical words I'm not allowed to say any more were texted over and over again. I knew I was in trouble, I was on his lap, bottom bared and waiting when he said to me "you really need to watch what come out of your mouth". He was being serious, I got the giggles. When he asked why I was laughing, I told him it wasn't my mouth, it was my fingers. Oh the humor didn't last long. The problem was, I never got my head into that remorseful state where the spanking was going to help. Once it started, I wanted to be there but never made it.  So when he made me kneel for the first time ever in the corner, I just got mad.  From giggles to mad in under 5 minutes, gotta be a record in there somewhere.

Well mad led to attitude and as we all know, I have trouble sharing why I'm upset. Little more attitude, little more serious hubby. (Seriously, this man has too much patience with me)  I did tell him the corner time just upset me. He didn't really say much, just gave me a look of "really". Which I should have read as a warning but I didn't.   So mad brat escapes and runs amok in the house. Stomping, slamming doors,rolling eyes, I knew she was out & didn't care.

I was, however, somewhat in control believe it or not. I did mind my rules about texting him when I got to my destination and asking for things I wanted to have but were at his discretion as to whether I can have them or not. I was still mad, just not crazy.   He texted me about what was wrong and knowing I went over that line. I asked if I was I was in trouble. He replied with a definite yes.

What I found myself feeling was relief and happiness. I don't know why but all of a sudden the dark cloud that was my mood, along with the brat, disappeared. I'm not worried about the consequences for the trouble. I'm ok with whatever comes. What I know is he loves me enough to still want to be near me when I'm a miserable brat.  

Still seems rather strange to me that I can feel all this in such a short amount of time. I'm glad the black cloud lifted. I'm glad it was his text that made it go away. He loves me. He wants me. He wants us!  I'm still learning and soon I'll be able to control that brat all the time. (HA I won't hold my breath for anytime real soon). I'm grateful Fonzi is a patient man. I love him!!  We're still on this journey together!!

Bad week

It's been one if those weeks where nothing seems to go right. I've been off and somewhere let the brat out to play and never put her back. I've let the disconnection and misunderstanding grow into a mountain instead of just facing it head on and making it go away. It's my fault (mostly) and I'm ready to admit it. 

To say I've been disrespectful and disobedient are understatements. I've done things just to do them. Said things just to say them. Why?  Because I was mad and upset. I really need to control that side of me better. I need to talk through my feelings rather than hoping they show enough on my sleeves to get his attention. They never do. He knows when something is wrong but he cannot pinpoint exactly what it is it what it means.   

It all started when I was playfully telling him NO but it wasn't really playful as I really didn't do what he wanted. I just didn't want to comply, I chose not to. I spent the test of the morning doing pretty much the same thing. Playfully pushing buttons I knew would make him do something. Anything!  A firm warning, a swat, a look but nothing. Later, a few texts telling me how disrespectful I was and a new list of chores that had to be done or else. (I've so not finished that list yet either). The "we will talk" text mid day sent shivers down my spine. 

The problem was nothing happened. He didn't get upset, no look was given, not one word of lecture or impending doom. I felt abandoned and hurt. Not that I wanted trouble but I guess I was looking for it. The next morning, nothing. The afternoon, nothing. It was as if he completely forgot ME!!  I did what any brat would do, broke a few more rules and backed away from him. I became distant and unreachable. I shut down. I'd been craving the connection but didn't realize it and when it didn't come, I closed (slammed would be closer to the truth) the door. 

I see it now so much more clearly than I did before. The fog has lifted and the brat has been silenced (for a while at least). I talked to him, he heard me. I don't know what the solution is or when it will come but I know he's trying. I know he still loves me. 

As for the rules I broke, the things I said or did, I am deeply sorry. It was wrong, I apologize. I haven't confessed them but I will if I am asked to make an accounting of them.  So far, he hasn't asked but I'm sure it's because he can guess what they are. I wasn't hiding when I did them, I won't hide from them now. (There are probably a few I hid better than others)

I'm still sitting just fine as of this writing. I'm still waiting for his final say, but I am done being a brat (for now LOL). 

It's our journey, it's our path. I am learning to follow. He is learning to lead. As always, be patient with me, I'm a slow learner somedays. 

The daily battle

I made it. I finished a week of daily maintenance without dying. Oh how I thought I might in the beginning but looking back, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.   I'm glad he took the time to reset our journey. My behavior almost derailed the train way too early and that would have been horrible. He loves me enough to right the wrongs and continue.  

Day 1 - no maintenance due to the fact the weekend yielded 5 (3 severe) spankings. He was sweet and gave me grace to allow my bottom a moment to recover. 

Days 2-5 - no more grace. Maintenance delivered and received. Boy was I one sore but content wife. 

Day 6 - Family visiting - no maintenance but I could  feel the brat escaping 

Day 7 - regular maintenance day but the brat escaped before maintenance. Ouch!

It was a tough week and I survived. He told me during our weekly meeting that he didn't like the daily maintenance, so it was over. He said, it felt like he was spanking me for no reason at all. I was surprised by my reaction. I told him, I deserved the spankings (gulp! Ya I said it). I had taken us to a place where he doubted I wanted to be on the journey. I didn't want to make him feel that way and I'm glad he took the reins and put us back on track. I told him how proud of him I was. How loved I felt. And as much as I didn't like the daily maintenance, I knew I was well behaved all week because of it.  I knew a misstep would not end well and on a sore bottom, it would be worse. I was more submissive, I was more his. He was in control and I let him lead. I told him how much I loved him being in control. I was/am content and happy. The incident has been well forgiven and I'm finally able to let it go. Let go of the guilt and frustration, the unhappiness of it all and just be us again.  

But......

Now I want and crave more. I need to know he's thinking about me when we are apart. Mostly because right now, we are more apart than together. We work opposite shifts. We spend nights together - sleeping.  I want to know he cares what I say, what I eat or drink or lately what I don't eat. That keeping me safe and protected is always in his mind.   That he is truly concerned with my health and happiness.  I want him to know it's ok to set boundaries for me.  It's ok to tell me no. It's ok to control the brat when he does say no. (She will be there I'm sure).  

Sometimes, I feel he holds back not wanting to smother me with rules and enforcement. So I wait, going over the scenes in my mind. Playing out the different scenarios until I'm sure I know how it will go. Then it doesn't go anywhere at all and I'm left feeling empty again wanting him to do more.   I'm not empty, not really. Just wanting.   In my mind, I know this needs to progress at it's own pace and I cannot control it anymore than I can control the rain. Yet I push. Patience is not a strong character trait for me.  I'm too good at making the stories in my head, the fantasies, seem so appealing I can't wait for them to be real.  They seldom are.  I will wait for him.  I will follow him. He is my path & I will not stray (no matter how cute the squirrels are the forest). 

I am learning to silence the brat and follow where the path takes me. It's our journey and it might take us years but we will get there - TOGETHER!!!!  Because really there is no other happy ending than the one we make as one!!