Driving

I've been thinking about why I want to be submissive to him, only him. The more I think about it, and read different definitions of it, I realize I'm not as submissive as I want to be. I can't break through the tough independent woman I have been forever without feeling guilty. 

I drive everywhere. Literally and figuratively. I drive to get where I'm going, to get people where they need to go, errands and whatever. I also drive me.  I drive myself to control the chaos in my life. I try to make everyone else happy and in doing so I've given all of me to everyone else for as long as I can remember. I've always been the grown up one, more mature, more common sense, more smarts than the others. People come to me for advice and often I have some good stuff.  The advice I give them, I can't give myself. I wish I could.  I take care of everyone, it's time to take care of me. For this, I'm called selfish. 

I don't need to rely on anyone. I can do this all myself. I have done it all myself. I've been driving in my world and I've finally run out of gas. I want to give my submission so that I can please only one person, instead of everyone. So he can help me control who gets my time and attention. So he can help me drive. 

I don't think it's selfish to not want to drive anymore. Yet I feel guilty that I want to be driven instead. I want to sit back and relax on the journey instead of worrying about how or when we will get there.  

I'm better since starting this adventure but I still need and want more.  It's not a secret to myself or him that my submission requires his dominance. Here's the major guilty part. I feel like I'm asking for someone he isn't wanting to give. I don't think he wants to drive. I don't know if he's ready to continue on our adventure.  He's not consistent in enforcing the rules.  I'm definately not very submissive in following them. How can either of us succeed in our roles?  Why would either of us want to?

I don't have any answers. I know I'm tired of driving but if I don't drive, I get nowhere. I know I can't sit in the car waiting for someone to turn on the music or take the car out of park.  I'm lost and I don't know how to get back on track. 

I QUIT!!

A couple weeks ago I cried for no reason during a seemingly normal event. I didn't want it to ruin our future but it did. I never blamed him for what happened but somewhere along the way I guess he blamed himself. I still don't know what caused it, I guess even after 2 weeks we will never know what it really was. It just was. I tried to move past it, I did move beyond it with the help of my friends. Unfortunately, he was frozen in that space of fear and the unknown. 

I'm often told (because I'm hard headed and don't listen) that in order for him to lead, I need to give him a reason to. In my defense, let me say I needed to get past this issue. Needed the closure, needed him to, well, lead.  I was so lost in my needs that I never fully understood his.  He wasn't talking,meant leading, wasn't anything. He avoided me for days, ignored my blatant attempts to find trouble, basically shut down and quit operating. 

The more he retreated into his shell, the more I found myself lost. It's a jungle out there and I no longer had a map. So I did what any self respecting brat would do - I quit!  I gave up.   

I couldn't continue the mascarade of wanting a lifestyle he was incapable of giving me. I put everything away. Out fm sight, out f mind. I refused to speak of DD, refused to follow the rules (not that I was following them anyway). If DD was coming back, it would be his decision. I wouldn't push, I wouldn't explain why I was right (I'm always right - right?) about this lifestyle being right for us. I quit!

I was stressed from the holiday. Too much happening all at once. I didn't need the chaos but there it was all around. I was over whelmed, lost and out f control. I had spiraled so far down there was no up anymore. Once I decided to push DD out of my life, quit being dependent on it, I realized I was unhappy again. Still, I quit.  

Then yesterday, a text. I was told to have his dinner ready and be waiting for him when he got home.  Which I did but still he didn't talk to me. Ate in silence, staring at his computer screen.  By bedtime his tone changed and he was no longer lost and afraid. 

He told me how he'd failed to lead & how I had also failed to submit.  He set me in the corner to contemplate. He was putting us back on track. He never gave up, he just couldn't see the path. He asked me why I hid (put away) the implements. I told him I had quit, I couldn't continue to push this if he wasn't willing or able to continue. I wanted the next step to come from him and not having that stuff around wouldn't influence his decision. He understood but said I should have talked to him first. 

So he spanked me. It wasn't horrible and honestly could have been worse. We reconnected and all the rules are being enforced and I'll be held accountable again.  I'm encouraged and content.  My quitting was short lived and all things DD related have been returned to their cabinet as instructed. 

The journey isn't all easy and we learn from each event. It's not always the event we learn from. Sometimes it's the way we dealt with the event or each other. It's been 20 months on this road and we are still learning and growing. We still have a lot t learn but at least I know he's willing to learn and grow with me. 

What is wrong with me?

Something happened yesterday that emotionally drained me and left me feeling completely empty. I still can't explain what happened and the why isn't becoming clearer. It left Fonzi in such a state, he didn't know how to deal with me or the situation. Needless to say, I'm writing out of confusion and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.   Sorry if you can't follow or it's not my typical type of post but hey it's my blog, I'm being true to me. 

So yesterday after being apart all day, he tells me he wants to visit the bedroom. Usually a bad sign for my butt except I was not in trouble. The would be one of the fun trips to the bedroom. Ok I'm up for that. He wasn't overly dominant, I wasn't anywhere near submissive but hey, sex is sex and I'll take it. He had a paddle (well a light saber looking thing) but he wasn't using it. Nothing unusual going on, nothing new. Sex was good, like really good. I was relaxed, it was nice. Again nothing unusual.   Until it was. I readjusted my position which my now dominant hubby took offense at. He pulled my hair, yelled at me that I don't get to move unless I ask. I apologized but it was too late. I was in full on sobbing tears. 

Let me state, nothing was unusual except the tears. I've never cried before. He's pulled my hair, he's lectured me for moving.  He's swatted me for less. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't damaged in any way but I was crying. The ugly full sobs runny nose kind of crying. In my head I tried to rationalize it, make myself stop. Try as I may, I couldn't figure out why it started so making it stop was impossible.   He asked why I was crying and I said I don't know. I honestly didn't know. I still don't.   He freaked out. He didn't know if he'd hurt me, he was as lost as I was.   So now we are both sitting there after not knowing what to do. 

Emotionally I was empty. I wasn't feeling anything. I sat on the edge of he bed and while the crying stopped, I wasn't ok. I still have trouble explaining how I felt even to myself (& I was there). It was at this point surreal. Like I wasn't really there. I just sat. 

He eventually asked what he could do for me. I asked simply to be held. I know he was freaked because at this point he would grab me full bear hug and just hold me until I was struggling to be freed. He kinda side armed me. That really didn't help my lost and empty feeling but it was better than him walking away and leaving me there by myself.   It's a lesson we had to learn the hard way. 

So even tho I don't know why there were tears and I've had some maybe sorta ideas.  Like we weren't really in a full on Dom/sub mindset when he suddenly switched, it was too much too fast and it triggered tears. That's really my only idea, the rest didn't even make sense in my own head, no sense putting them on paper. Anyway, the point is, no I don't know why there were tears, but I know what I needed after. I didn't then, he didn't either and we struggled all night because of it. What I needed at that moment, when I needed to be held, I needed to be cuddled deeply and loved until I couldn't be held anymore. Maybe it would have been short, maybe I would have fallen asleep in his arms but I needed to feel safe in that moment. I needed my happy spot. Snuggled tightly, big heavy arms wrapped around me in an embrace that would normally suffocate me. I needed him. My rock, my center, my everything. 

I've told him he needs to hold me better next time and I hope he can read this and see I'm not making this about his failure. It's not about failure, it's about learning. It's about moving past whatever this was and growing. No, we don't know what caused it.  It may happen again. What we learned was what I need to get through it. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. We are perfect for each other. 

We are still learning, still growing and still moving forward. At least with all these new experiences, he will never get bored with me. 

Writing

I've thought a lot lately about writing. Different ways I am made to write, what I'm made to write, why I'm made to write and why other people write what they write.  That's a lot of writing questions.  I know why I write.  I write as a release of emotions. It's almost therapeutic for me - cleansing. 

I've been asked to write answers to questions he's given me. This for him is a way to see if I know what it is I did or want and why I want or did these things. He's asked me what I get out of this lifestyle and what I think he gets. I thought a long time about that one and almost didn't answer the question.  The thing is sometimes what's in my head can't make its way out onto the page. I get so totally overwhelmed that I shut down.  Like most things when I'm inside my head, I can't manage to fight my way out. But he demanded I answer the question and wouldn't let me off without it getting done. Once I started, the ideas came flooding out and there it all was written down. He was pleased and I was happy again.  I'd done it. I wrote to please him and in doing so pleased us both. Cheap therapy.

Recently he asked me to write a story about a couple in a DD relationship and how I saw the HOH as being in charge. What I wanted in an HOH is what he wanted to read. He expected it to be a quick story, a short story. Boy was he wrong. It ended up being a novella that took almost 5 months to write. What I learned from writing it is there really only is fantasy and reality and no matter how much I tried to fuse the two, they are still just that. Yes the characters to me are real, I created them but they will never be real real. I'm ok with that. It's a damn good story - even if I don't let anyone read it. (I haven't decided). As much as I wanted him to be my perfect HOH, he will never be. I already have the perfect HOH for me. I do hope he reads it and finds himself in the character.   I feel better having written it and I think that's part of the lesson he wanted me to learn. When I am focused on writing, the chaos of the world melts away and for a while I am there, in the story, calm and at peace. 

I wonder if people who write lines or essays feel anything when they are made to write. I'm sure they learn a lesson, or why bother, but does it make them feel anything?  I'm thankful he makes me write things that have purpose.  Lines would drive me insane. I'd feel something alright but it wouldn't be positive. 

Which brings me to the point of my post. Really there was a reason for all this. The other day he asked me to write a pledge. An oath of sorts to recite to him every morning. A DD mantra just for us. Something that meant something to us and only us. I found this overwhelming and couldn't start thinking of it.  I searched the web for help, there had to be someone else doing this. I found nothing. No hope of hints, no clue as to what he wanted and the deadline loomed like a big grey cloud about to dump a whole heap of nasty on my bottom. I got encouragement from a friend who told me to write from my heart. Using his guide p, I quickly wrote some words on the page. Short simple and us!  (I do have to memorize this after all - long was not an option). I did it, I wrote it & it felt really good. He read it, he liked it and so it becomes a part of my daily routine. 

I pledge to try my best to be a good faithful submissive wife. To honor and obey.  To follow where you lead even when I disagree. To accept your word or consequences in the loving trusting manner in which you give it. I pledge to be yours!

As with anything TTWD, find what makes you happy and use the tools you create together along the way.  The tools will change, the journey will evolve and become so much more than you imagined. As long as you stay together in your goals, all will be right in your world.  I write to bring myself joy and peace. He asks me to write because he knows I find solace there. I find myself there and sometimes I need to be found. 

We are still learning, sill growing and for once residing on the same page.   

I cried

I cried when you left today

Saddened by my loss

I thought you'd want to talk to me

But apparently I was wrong

You find the time for other things

But not the time for me

I'm scared you're not as into us

I should just let it be

I count the minutes hours we're apart

The time it takes to see you

The moments in my heart

I need you right beside me

Fighting all the way

To make us strong and happy

Laughing through the day

I cried today you left me

Alone and all unsure

I know that you'll come back to me

But the world is all a blur


I found this on my phone today. I wrote it several weeks ago when we were at such a low point. Honestly he quit talking to. He said he didn't have anything to say.   I was lost and confused.   He had gone to work that day without kissing me or saying goodbye.   I cried for hours. 

Part of the problem was me. I had to much pride to tell him what was wrong with me. I was breaking all the rules, I was withdrawn and disrespectful.   I couldn't tell him what I really needed was him. I needed him to talk to me, to want me again. I was hating that his job was coming in between us. I was feeling slighted when he didn't have time for me. It seemed, to me at least, he had time for everyone else.  I couldn't talk to him and when I did, I was a blubbering ball of disrespect. 

We took off that weekend. One day retreat, just us.  We went away. Had an adventure. I tried desperately to get him to open up to me.  I wanted him to start a conversation. To tell me what was wrong.   He never did. Not like I wanted but I realized something. What I wanted wasn't what he could give.   I had to change my perspective.   I started talking. I told him all the things that were bothering me. I told him how I felt. I didn't point fingers, didn't assign blame. Just talked. He listened. He's great at listening. Sometimes I don't even really think he's paying attention, but he's listening. 
It took a long time but he finally began to respond. He let me know some of the things that were bothering him.   We came to an agreement of sorts.   I need to calmly rationally tell him how I feel and he needs to not shut down on me.   

I know now it's ok to communicate my feelings. Even though I start a conversation, it doesn't mean I'm leading. It means only that I had something to say before it became a problem.  It's not a perfect solution but I know he cares.   

That night forgiveness was given. There was peace again and contentment where it had been missing for so long. I've since been able to let him know when I was feeling off.  For me to notice and let him know without being a complete brat, that's progress. Slow and steady, we will continue on the journey that is TTWD. 

I'm still learning and growing. What else can we ask for?

Fixing me

So I've been off a lot more lately than usual. I've spent an extraordinarily long time trying to figure out why I keep ending right back where I started.  The circle is never ending. I think I get it all figured out but then life comes along and shows me I really didn't figure anything out. Each time I learn something new but I haven't solved anything.  So while I'm lost, I know I'm not going too far. 

After a year and a half I thought I would have mastered this lifestyle but instead I'm just as in need of fixing as I was when I started. Biggest difference is I know now that he can't fix me. Oh sure he can prod me in the right direction and help me see what it is I want but he can't fix me.  I'm better than I was. I know now when I need special attention. I still can't ask for it, but I recognize when I need the reset. I'm learning what my triggers are. Slowly but surely, he's learning what my triggers are. Stress and chaos are still the biggest triggers and figuring out how to slow those down before they explode is in itself a ball of stress and chaos. (Back to those circles)  

Lately we've been in an on and off again DD lifestyle. The off cycle isn't nearly as off as it used to be and the on is amazing. When it's on, it's not forced anymore. It just kind of happens and it's perfect. 

In a nutshell, we are still learning. We will never know it all. All we can do is figure it out together. 

In the rest of my world, things and people still make me wonder about the things I say.  Again I say this, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am who I am. If you don't like me, that's ok but you have no reason to be aggressive towards me. I have fun and enjoy a warped sense of humor. I find things funny where most find it serious. That's me. Love me, like me or leave me alone. 

                   

Not done yet

It's been a long time since I wrote the last post. I'm not sure I'm beyond the confused feelings of my last post but I do know we are still sailing along. 

What did we do to get back on track?  We TALKED. I know right. Such a concept. I had to get past the fact that you quiet non communicating husband wasn't going to start a conversation about where we were. I swallowed my pride, bit the bullet and asked to talk. What I heard was distressing and confusing even more than I was before. What he was feeling was the same as I was. He also wondered why I wanted this but couldn't follow simple rules.  How could I need this and not want to at the same time. He basically was frustrated with my inconsistency.   GASP!!  Now I'm even more confused.  How could he possibly think I was in any way at fault for any of this?  

So we talked and we talked some more. Then we got back on track. That part wasn't much fun for me but after there was the peace and harmony that I had been longing for.  I'm still confused but I know I need to try just as hard as he is.

Fast forward a few more weeks. 

I went on a short vacation where he was unable to go with me.  During my absence he recharged his HOH batteries and we are now almost as good as we ever were. If I had thought our previous back on track spankings were severe, I learned how wrong I was. I'm not sure how or where he got ideas from but it seemed that everything I wanted him to figure out, he did. He's got the restraint part down and he push a few limits he hadn't gone close to in forever. Needless to say, I didn't sit well for a few days. He told me I had gotten what I had been needing for quite some time. (Don't tell but I was glad he finally stepped up and did what needed doing without fear of me getting upset or mad. I had to agree, it was what I needed)  I may still be confused about the path we are on, but I'm content and happy where we are. 

It's a bumpy road and we are still learning to navigate the trail.  As long as we do it together, I will be happy.