The break he needed was short lived. Much like the several times that I quit. He needed time to not think about what we were doing or why we were doing it. I think he needed time to just process all the stuff we'd been through. I'm not sure tho. He is a very quiet person. He keeps his feelings to himself and rarely lets anyone have a glimpse of what's inside. So as much as he needed a break, and as much as those words broke me to my core, it wasn't really a break after all.
A day or two after his announcement, he informed me that the break was over. I barely had time to wrap my head around the event and it was over. I'm not complaining, I was a wreck. I can't even begin to count the rules or expectations I gave up on. Would be a way shorter list of ones I didn't break.
So over the past few weeks, we've had a few reconnection, reset spankings and several other more serious spankings. His mindset on his role in our journey is right on target of where I always wanted us to be. My role and mindset is a daily work in progress.
What I learned from this? I can't force him to want this. He needed to come to the conclusion on his own. It has taken several tries over these last 2 years and there may be more times yet to come. I think he realized we are better on the journey than we are off. I learned I want to be submissive. In some form, I want to give myself to him. It may be as simple as fixing his favorite dinner and bringing him his plate, or even giving up the last piece of pie (ok maybe not the pie) but you get my point. For me, I figured out that me being submissive isn't all about the rules and expectations, it also lies within all the little things I do everyday anyway just because I want to. When I took those things away out of anger & spite, I was unhappy. Even more so than just being on break.
This isn't a long post but I needed to write it. We are better. Everyday is an adventure on this journey and life keeps tossing in bad weather and boulders along the way. I am sure life isn't done with is yet but everyday we are learning new ways to deal with it.
The point is we are still learning. After two years, we are no closer to having a perfect relationship than when we started. I know, there are none, it's not possible but somehow I know there is still better to become. Together we will get better and our children & grandchildren will see a happy couple still in love after 22 years.
